


queer rats and bisexuwhales

by barbatoslatte



Series: the RAT shows [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Afterlife, Birthday, Cross-posted, France (Country), Gangs, John Mulaney References, Mentions of Samurai Warriors later on, Multi, Queerplatonic Relationships, References to Clue | Cluedo, Screenplay/Script Format, Underworld, cottagecore lesbians, lots of death, making fun of shitty things, mentions of Genshin Impact later on, there's a webtoon adaptation, this whole thing is ridiculous, usage of the word queer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 47,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbatoslatte/pseuds/barbatoslatte
Summary: Cat and Rue became friends on a lesser known quiz site, and together discovered they weren't straight but did it platonically together. Watch them struggle through life as two young queers that really like to eat bread. Cross-posted, co-authored by my friend.(webtoon adaptationby lunalix)(don't take this shit seriously please we wrote this when we were high on oxygen)
Relationships: Cat (QRAB) & Rue (QRAB)
Series: the RAT shows [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165814





	1. pilot

NARRATOR: it all started with a request for help. granted, it wasn't a big thing or anything. a small 4'9 girl asked a 5'3 girl for help with a story on a quiz site. the story wasn't that important, but at that time in their lives, they truely believed writing on a lesser known quiz site was where it was at.

NARRATOR: rue was the one to answer the call. she wasn't the first, but she was the last. back then rue hadn't gone by the name rue. she had gone by hailey. cat was the one to put out the offer. she was going by callie back then, which isn't entirely necessary to the story but it's being explained anyways

NARRATOR: rue had worked on one chapter before giving up because she just wasn't into the story. so she had unmade herself an author of it. and callie and hailey dropped out of touch. until a few months later, when melanie martinez's second album, k-12 came out.

NARRATOR: and for some reason, that's what brought them together. and then they dropped out of contact again. until two months later. they talked for about a week, and then callie had to go to hawaii, which was like 6 hours behind or ahead of hailey. whatever. didn't matter. that's around the time when they started changing their names. hailey suggested calling callie cassie for a while. and then after a while, cassie told hailey that her real name was catherine. hailey immediatly went, "CAT. YOURE CAT NOW." 

NARRATOR: and then at new years day, hailey changed her name to rue. you see, her real name was ava, but she had always hated ava, and her middle name was rubie. so. she decided to make everyone call her rubie or rue. mostly rue. rubie seemed a bit long of a name. 

NARRATOR: im too lazy to get into every other detail right now, so i'm gonna fast forward to the present and occasionally give you little flashbacks. but before we actually start, let me tell you that when they initially met, each thought they were as straight as a pin, but in now, in the present, cat is a biromantic lesbian and rue is a queer mess, meaning she questions her sexuality daily but if you asked her for a label she would say that she was bisexual.

CAT: rue rue i can not bELIEVE this man

RUE: what now?

_rue cracked her back for the 9th time that minute. her back was already hurting again._

CAT: just the post he made.

NARRATOR: she was referring to a post by some smaller account that had singled her out because cat had made a callout post about him since the account had called the murder of george floyd an accident. cat and her friends spat facts at the account until finally cat blocked their ass. they thought the discussion was over but bitches, you thought wrong.

RUE: are you fucking kidding me

NARRATOR: oh yeah, although they're basically babies, they swear like sailors. keep children away from this show. except rue and cat. don't keep them away from this show.

CAT: he's acting like he didn't do anything when BITCH! WE HAVE SCREENSHOTS!

RUE: he didn't even type your url i'm crying

CAT: he just used my name. like, there are fifty million kais on this site. how is anyone who sees that post supposed to single me out?

RUE: what happens when you change your name to banana toe or something

_cat shrugged. she shrugged a lot._

CAT: maybe i should change my name. how is he gonna find me then?

NARRATOR: and here we get to talk about name changes. cat and rue changed their names a lot. sometimes they made sense. sometimes they didn't. let's look at around the middle of the year of our lord 2019. the two of them were messing around with google translate and typing their thoughts in the comments of a book. for example:

RUE: i'm "particles go crazy now"

CAT: wHEEZE

NARRATOR: sometimes, they didn't even use them as names. they just laughed at them:

CAT: _rue is an adult cow_

RUE: I AM

CAT: wHEEZE

NARRATOR: sometimes, they weren't even names. like this:

RUE: _i remember his last hand._

CAT: w h e e z e

NARRATOR: as you can see, they wheezed. a lot. sometimes the others worried for their health. in real life, their laughs do not sound like wheezes. cat sounds like a rapidly vibrating dolphin. rue just gurgles. if you put their laughs together, it would make dubstep, but don't tell them i said that. 

NARRATOR: now, back to the present. cat and rue were now talking about the guy singling cat out for calling them out about what the account had said.

CAT: im gonna change it to this video game character

_she types in the name "[gracia](https://giantbomb1.cbsistatic.com/uploads/scale_medium/0/6228/2593116-gracia%20sw4.jpg)."_

CAT: bam

RUE: actually, i kinda like that. and most of your names are whack. remember loyalty to aquarius?

CAT: im not even an aquarius

RUE: i had to think about that for a hot minute i forgot that i called you saggytaurus for a month straight when i was going to sacrifice you on the ides of march

CAT: i remember those times those were good times

NARRATOR: yeah, this is just your average queer rat and bisexuwhale. these two do the weirdest things. one of the not weirdest things they did was discovering that they are not, in fact, straights. let's take a look.

_flashback to one year ago_

YOUNG CAT: hi i'm cat and i'm eleven and i am not part of the LGBTQ+ but i support it!

YOUNG RUE: hi i'm rue and i'm twelve and i am also not part of the LGBTQ+ but i support it too! also i'm going to marry a girl when i'm old enough to get married. 

YOUNG RUE AND CAT: we're very straight! 

NARRATOR: they were not.

NARRATOR: there's so much proof

_cut to rue reading comics and having a crush on all of the characters_

_cut to cat watching shows and having a crush on all of the characters_

YOUNG RUE: oh my god this character is so so cute i would like to marry them

YOUNG CAT: *screeches* WHY IS EVERYONE SO CUTE? EVEN THE ASSHOLE PEOPLE ARE CUTE

YOUNG RUE AND CAT: but i'm still straight!

NARRATOR: anyways, now they know the truth

PRESENT RUE: cat

RUE: cat

RUE: cat

RUE: cat

CAT: what what what

RUE: i forgot you took too long

CAT: what the fuck it was 17 seconds

RUE: too long

NARRATOR: rue has the shortest memory you've ever seen.

NARRATOR: she once forgot that humans are supposed to breathe

NARRATOR: she was underwater

NARRATOR: and then she remembered and started breathing underwater because she forgot that humans aren't fish

_the camera cuts to an unconscious rue floating in a pool_

NARRATOR: she nearly drowned because she forgot that humans aren't fish. smh

NARRATOR: cat has a better memory, but still the dumbass-y-ness.

NARRATOR: for example, one day cat was at a dance recital, and her group's theme was "pool party in las vegas" so they had to wear some cheap ass goggles.

NARRATOR: little cat didn't know how to adjust goggles, and because they couldn't fit around her head, she just kept pulling them until they broke.

NARRATOR: she was in the front row of the dance and had no goggles, and she also decided not to bobbypin her headband to her head, so it fell off. she was basically just a little girl in a stupid bathing suit, which was everyone else too except for the boys. the boys got to wear suits and ties. but at least the other girls had their headbands and goggles. honestly i have no idea which is worse.

_the camera shifts back to the present. a girl enters their conversation_

GIRL: hey guys

RUE: lou yes hello we were talking about socks

_the camera zooms in on cat's confused face, as they were clearly not talking about socks_

LOU: that's cool i like to listen to tall out boy

_lou walks away_

RUE: that's my fiance

RUE: right there

RUE: yep

CAT: mine wife gives me cheese

_rue stares into her soul_

NARRATOR: you see, in their friend group they have platonic marriages. cat and rue used to be married, but then cat left rue on their wedding day for rue's friend holly, all because holly had shredded cheese at the time and rue didn't. so rue got together with her friend lou. they were getting married in about a week. 

CAT: tall out boy

CAT: i want to make that a thing

CAT: just take a picture of the band and make them all really unrealistically tall

_cat opens up pixlr and takes a picture of the band, then liquifies their legs_

CAT: kinda like [this](https://i.postimg.cc/vBXxBNgQ/download-1.jpg)

RUE: wow they're so hot they're bringing out the tiny straight part of me

CAT: i know so attractive i just want to lick their ears

RUE: what

CAT: what

_the camera zooms in on their faces for an uncomfortable 30 seconds, then zooms out and everything returns to normal_

RUE: cat you remember our conversation about how we could never have sex because we're both bottoms?

CAT: yes i do

RUE: and how if we ever had sex we'd just be laying on a bed side by side

CAT: this is all theoretically right

RUE: well duh you're not my type you don't wear glasses and you're not short enough

_cat, tearing up_

CAT: that's the first time anyone's ever told me that

CAT: but where are you going with this

RUE: i dunno i honestly didn't really have a plan

CAT: you're so mean but you're not my type either

_rue, tearing up_

RUE: i know that why am i sad

CAT: because i'm cutting onions right underneath your face

_rue looks down. cat is indeed slicing an onion right underneath rue's face_

RUE: also i know i'm not your type your type is everyone from those chinese drama shows

CAT: where's the lie though

RUE: it's not there

CAT: that's why i said it dumbass

RUE: can you stop cutting those onions now i'm crying for no reason

CAT: maybe you're on your period. here eat some onions

_cat shoves onion slices into rue's mouth._

RUE: these taste like shit

CAT: they are

_rue spits out the onion_

RUE: wHAT

CAT: yeah

RUE: also you're right i am on my period it's real uncomfy

RUE: tampons are weird so i don't use them

RUE: so instead i wear what is basically a diaper being a woman is fun

_rue looks right into the camera and gives a thumbs up_

CAT: that's why you should just drink acid to burn through your uterus

RUE: what

CAT: doesn't everyone do that these days

RUE: these days? what are you, like 80?

CAT: yes

RUE: when did we age 68 years

CAT: no just me

_cat suddenly shrivels up and becomes an old woman_

RUE: what the fUCK

CAT: you youngins swear too much, fucking hoes

RUE: but

CAT: now cook me some rice and beef

RUE: i don't even know how to cook rice and beef

CAT: did i fucking stutter now go cook me some rice and beef or i will keep cutting onions under your face

_rue starts to prepare the rice. she breaks the rice cooker. the kitchen is now on fire_

CAT: fIRE

RUE: IM SORRY IM SORRY IM TRYING TO FIND THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER

CAT: nO NOW I CAN TRULY BE WITH MY PEOPLE

_cat walks into the kitchen and suddenly disappears into the flames. the flames extinguish and cat suddenly reappears as her normal tween self_

CAT: why do you look like you've just seen a ghost rue

RUE: what the fuck you were an old woman and you just walked into a fire

CAT: are you ok rue 

CAT: why is there spat up onion on the floor

RUE: long story

CAT: i have 68 years left to live my horoscope just told me so

RUE: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

CAT: me and my sexy beef pig

RUE: there are so many things wrong with that sentence

CAT: i know that's why i said it

_she pulled out a cross_

CAT: im not religious or anything but you need to pray to gourd

RUE: you do know neither of us believe in-wait did you say gourd?

CAT: yeah it was in this show i love

CAT: lord of the dings

RUE: yeah i know we wrote it together

CAT: oh yeah i forgot you were there

_rue, making confused face noises_

CAT: what was that

RUE: what was what?

CAT: you made a bunch of noises

RUE: yeah i know

CAT: why did you do it

RUE: why not

CAT: fair enough do you want to binge watch LOTD

RUE: of course

_the two of them sit down in front of the tv and start watching. just as gallon throws the man into the lion pit with grandpalf and the lion, the doorbell rings_

RUE: i wonder who it could be

_she opens the door_

RUE: oh my god it's fritata

CAT: wait from the show?

RUE: yeah

CAT: holy shit

_cat runs to the door with rue. it is indeed fritata looking as fritata-y as ever_

FRITATA: hello ladies i was wondering if you happened to have some food to spare

RUE: yes we do

CAT: please come in

FRITATA: fabulous

_he waltzes in, pausing every two steps to pose like he's on a runway. it's a very awkward moment_

CAT: *whispers* what the fuck

FRITATA: are there not cameras to take my picture

RUE: is your name actually fritata or are you an actor

FRITATA: im not even sure anymore maybe im not either

CAT: blink

FRITATA: did your friend say blink

RUE: yeah she accidentally lost her head in a bowling accident and now she's constantly pregnant

CAT: when did this happen? i don't remember-

RUE: that's because your head was lost in a bowling accident. this is not your first head

CAT: wait what-

RUE: SHUT UP WE HAVE A CELEB IN WHEREVER THE FUCK WE ARE

NARRATOR: im not even sure where they are until now it was just a blank space. someone better describe it so we can tell

NARRATOR 2: i will. they were in cat's house. cat's house looks normal when you walk into the entryway until you walk into the family room. the family room has a big couch and there is a Fathead™ picture of her dog on the wall. the table is made of wood and the chairs are white and squishy and there are crumbs at cat's brother's table place bc he's a dirty fuck

NARRATOR 2: also when was this bowling accident cat doesn't even go bowling

NARRATOR: can you shut the fuck up and let the story keep playing

NARRATOR 2: sorry

CAT: why am i constantly pregnant i thought that was you

RUE: what why me

CAT: because of my mental dick

FRITATA: wait you have a mental dick

CAT: yeah

FRITATA: wait you guys are the ones who wrote the script for lord of the dings, right?

RUE: yeah

FRITATA: no wonder that script was shit

CAT: *pulls out her brother's wooden staff* say that one more time and i'll shove this up your ass through your digestive system and out your mouth

RUE: *pulls a sock out from under the couch* cat do you think that this man has ever gotten an antartican gobsmacker

CAT: i don't think he has rue

RUE: then let's deliver it

CAT: yeahhh

_the two of them viciously attack fritata, cat by shoving the stick up his ass through his digestive system and out his mouth, and rue by hitting him with a sock in ways you didn't even know you could be hit with a sock_

FRITATA: should i find this arousing

CAT: nO you weird fuck im twelve

FRITATA: ok im leaving

RUE: yeah! and stay out!

_fritata leaves. cat and rue high five, and rue pulls a cupcake out of her back pocket_

CAT: how do you have a perfectly unsmushed cupcake in the back of your jeans pocket

RUE: how do i have anything in the back of my pocket

_rue pulls out a rocking chair out of her back pocket and sits in it_

RUE: i dunno. maybe im the next miss frizzle

CAT: have you ever even watched that show

RUE: no but i know she's a lesbian and she's played by a lizard

CAT: you're totally right i had to watch that show in school on rainy days and she is very much a lesbian

RUE: lesbians unite

CAT: hell yeah

CAT: wait did you say she's played _by_ a lizard

RUE: yes

CAT: well i'm afraid that's wrong it's actually _that_ she has a pet lizard

RUE: why would you emphasize "that" in that sentence

CAT: why not

RUE: fair enough

_the two of them sit in silence before fritata comes back in, crying, with gallon and grandpalf following him_

FRITATA: t-they were the ones that beat me up

GRANDPALF: you girls are about to learn what happens to people who hurt fritata

GALLON: you both are about to get an antartican gobsmacker

RUE: jokes on you i have the sock for the antartican gobsmacker now get out or we'll attack you

GRANDPALF: pfft what can you babies do

RUE: well i can give you an antartican gobsmacker and cat can shove that kung fu staff up your asshole through your digestive system and out of your mouth so i'd say that's pretty intense

GALLON: bring it on

_a fight ensues. they kick up dust even though there is no dust in the house._

_the camera break_ s

CAT: FUCKING HELL YOU BROKE MY CAMERA

_a shattering sound is heard_

RUE: DONT WORRY I HAVE ANOTHER CAMERA

_the camera is turned back on and we see that the house is fucking wrecked. lou runs back in_

LOU: oh goddamn what happened. 

RUE: our characters came to beat us up

LOU: seems normal i guess. goodbye. i need to keep up my music intake or i might die

RUE: yeah please don't do that

_lou leaves_

_holly runs in_

HOLLY: squish are you okay?

RUE: hey what about me

HOLLY: hay is for horses

RUE: neigh neigh bitches

CAT: why are you like this

RUE: i really don't know cat why are you like _this_

_she motions to cat, who is now all tangled up in a way that isn't physically possible_

CAT: wish i knew i just am

HOLLY: i'm gonna go listen to some tall out boy with lou now bye

_holly leaves_

CAT: help i'm stuck and i don't know what to do

RUE: well now i'm stuck like that too

_they both sit there like tangled pretzels._

CAT: do you want to trade hair

RUE: what

RUE: are you bald

CAT: i thought you were an egg too im so sorry

RUE: wait you're an egg

CAT: FORGET EVERYTHING

_cat throws a smoke bomb on the ground but it doesn't go off. they stare at it for 3 hours straight until it goes off._

CAT: well that was a waste of my life

CAT: bye forget everything

_she throws another smoke bomb but it does the same thing_

CAT: damn it

RUE: you are so dumb sometimes

CAT: i know

_the credits roll as they start to scream like feral cats at each other_


	2. the rat

in which rue and cat complain about the guys from one direction, then turn into a rat. and also cat dies but when is she really alive

RUE: i don't understand why people find the peopel from one direction hot

RUE: none of them are

_cat leans her head out of the kitchen, holding a bowl of crackers_

CAT: i know they're all basic white men

CAT: like none of them are hot

CAT: they make me GAYER

CAT: that's how not hot they are

RUE: i know. they all have a fuckboy haircut and it's like. honey. no. stop it.

CAT: they ARE fuckboys let's be real

RUE: honestly yeah

CAT: i don't like their individual songs either

RUE: yeah all of them either have a weird vibe or they're about sex

CAT: especially whatshisface and his song called pillow or something

CAT: that was w e i r d 

RUE: don't know what you're talking about but if it's a song called pillow im scared

CAT: it's literally about sex it's so weird

_cat cracks her knuckles. they make a loud crunchy noise_

RUE: hey remember when we gave fritata an antartican gobsmacker

CAT: yes

RUE: what _is_ that exactly

CAT: i don't know it's either when i use the stick as a human flagpole or when you smack people down with a sock

RUE: will it ever be explained

CAT: probably not

_rue wiggles her shoulders_

RUE: want to watch some tv

CAT: yes i do let's watch the sad queer cultivator show

RUE: the 

RUE: the what now

_cat wiggles her eyebrows_

RUE: no we're not watching the untamed for the one thousand seven hundred eighty secondth time

_cat makes a mad face noise_

RUE: what the hell was that noise

CAT: it's my mad face noise

RUE: sounded like a tortoise having sex

CAT: you mean the sounds they used for the dinos in jurassic park

RUE: wait what

CAT: yeah look it up

CAT: also do you regularly listen to tortoises having sex

RUE: 

RUE: no

* * *

THEME SONG

**friends**

**friends**

**this is a show about two people**

**who live together**

**in a made up house in the middle of nowhere**

**they're both kinda gay but not for each other**

**cuz they're friends!**

* * *

RUE: hey cat do we live in the woods or at the beach

CAT: look out the window

NARRATOR: neither of them were entirely sure what they would see when they looked out the window

_rue looks out the window and sees a bunch of blood and feathers_

RUE: nevermind i don't know WHERE the fuck we are

CAT: what what's wrong

RUE: there's blood and feathers everywhere

CAT: a bird slaughterhouse

RUE: what

CAT: we're in a bird slaughterhouse

CAT: is that big bird's corpse

_big bird from sesame street is lying amidst all of the blood and feathers_

RUE: well it sure is big bird but i don't know if that's his corpse

CAT: let's go check

 _they go outside to big bird's body_. _rue pokes it_. _big bird wakes up_

BIG BIRD: holy fuck what happened here

CAT: we don't know either dude we haven't looked outside in ages

RUE: come to think of it it looked normal until fritata came to our house

CAT: *gasps* fRitATa MUsT HAvE doNE THIs

BIG BIRD: well i did see a man killing all of my big bird brethren was this the fritata you speak of

RUE: what did he look like

BIG BIRD: like a man that would be named fritata

CAT: that's him that's the man

RUE: we gotta find him and make him clean up this shit

_rue burps and a portal opens_

CAT: woah what the fuck 

CAT: burp again 

RUE: i can't i burp once like every 5 years

RUE: my inside body is as fucked up as my outside body

CAT: well damn that sucks

CAT: well let's use this portal that just showed up then

RUE: okay

_they run through it and suddenly they're in california_

RUE: shit this is california i've never been here i don't know where to go

CAT: i don't know either

RUE: didn't you live here

CAT: not here though

CAT: wait weren't we in my house in california last episode

RUE: no now we've time traveled into the future now we're adults and we live in germany except now we've traveled to california

CAT: well fuck

CAT: also this looks like we're on the top of the golden gate bridge

RUE: have you been here

CAT: of course not you dumb fuck how would i get on this pole

RUE: no have you been to the golden gate bridge

CAT: like once when i was six but not on top of it

BIG BIRD: how are all three of us standing on this tiny pole

BIG BIRD: also the narrator hasn't shown up for a while where they at

RUE: we really need to stop breaking the fourth wall

_people have noticed them and are screaming and pointing at them_

CAT: shit people have noticed us now we're gonna get on the news and we can't murder fritata

CAT: also how do we get down

RUE: let's go back to the part where you said "we can't murder fritata"

BIG BIRD: yeah i thought you said he was just gonna clean up his murder mess

CAT: well i want to give him another antartican gobsmacker but more than two will kill you and he's already had two so

RUE: fair enough

BIG BIRD: how do we get down though we can't murder him from the top of the golden gate bridge

RUE: also i've been thinking about this for the past minute but are you saying germany is full of dead birds

CAT: i don't even know man

CAT: are we even in germany

BIG BIRD: no we are clearly on the golden gate bridge

CAT: oh yeah

RUE: how do you just forget-

_rue falls off the bridge and onto a car_

RUE: how do you do madame

WOMAN IN CAR: holy shit an angel

RUE: well this is a first

CAT: oh my god rue's dead

BIG BIRD: no i think she's getting up

CAT: i need to save her 

BIG BIRD: how

BIG BIRD: don't 

BIG BIRD: don't do it

_cat falls off the bridge and onto rue_

WOMAN IN CAR: oh my god tWO ANGELS I KNEW GOD WAS REAL

CAT: we're not angels we are so unpure you have no idea

RUE: yeah we write tv show scripts about very vulgar things

CAT: also do you think you could help our friend he's stuck on the top of the golden gate bridge

_she points at big bird who is currently serenading the onlookers with the song "memories" from cats_

CAT: i take it back actually he's singing a song from cats

RUE: yeah let's just go find fritata

_the two of them walk through san francisco looking for fritata_

RUE: oh my god what is tHAT

_she points at[a building with huge women legs sticking out of the window](https://www.smartertravel.com/uploads/2018/03/Haight-Ashbury.png)_

CAT: I literally have no idea

RUE: didn't you live in california shouldn't you know

CAT: i lived in san francisco for like a year when i was five rue then i moved to the suburbs

RUE: what is this then the urbs

CAT: yeah maybe

RUE: actually i think it's called urban but whatever

RUE: it can be the urbs

RUE: im hip 

CAT: yes you are

RUE: the fact that that statue has a vag will haunt me forever

CAT: oh god

CAT: what if someone had sex with it

RUE: why

RUE: how

RUE: when

CAT: because they wanted to 

CAT: i don't know the exact details

CAT: at night

RUE: why are you like this

CAT: you forget we're the same person

RUE: oh shit

_cat and rue morph into one being known as a rat_

RUE: well shit we're literally a rat now what do we do

CAT: idk eat cheese

RUE: no we need to find a way to kill fritata

CAT: we don't even know where he IS

_fritata walks near them_

RUE: oh i see him let's hope we have rabies and we kill him by biting him

CAT: ooh good idea

_they run over to fritata and bite his ankle. he starts foaming at the mouth_

CAT: good job we did it we killed him

_they highfive each other except they're one being so really the rat just claps_

RUE: now we should try to unrat ourselves because we have rabies when we're in rat form

CAT: how do we do that though

RUE: i have no idea

_suddenly cat starts foaming at the mouth, except because they are one being one side of the rat's mouth just starts kinda doing that_

RUE: shitshitshit and i don't mean literally

CAT: gurgle

RUE: cat if you die i might be stuck as a half rat

RUE: catttt

CAT: yeah im okay i just accidentally ate my liver

RUE: what

CAT: wait do we not have two livers

RUE: no

RUE: why would you eat your liver in the first place

CAT: it looked tasty

RUE: how it's inside you

CAT: not anymore

_cat wiggles her eyebrows except rats don't have eyebrows so it just looks like the rat is having a seizure_

RUE: oh my im going to die half a rat

CAT: and you'll have to carry my dead body around

RUE: oh god

RUE: i'll have to drag half of this rat body around with me

_cat dies_

RUE: i can't believe this why does this happen to me now i'm stuck as half rat all because cat was a dumb fuck and ate her own liver

 _suddenly rue bumps into someone_. _she looks up. it is a shy corpse._

SHY CORPSE: sorry sorry i didn't mean to bump into you 

RUE: no it's fine

SHY CORPSE: i was just going to visit a relative would you like to meet him

RUE: is it another corpse

SHY CORPSE: no no he's alive i am the only corpse in my family

RUE: oh my mistake

_the shy corpse picks rue up and starts walking_

RUE: so what's your name

SHY CORPSE: i was going to make a reference to the untamed but you wont like it so just call me dave

RUE: you look the least dave-like out of all of the people that could be named dave

DAVE: yes i know that but i like the name dave it sounds like pain which i am in constantly

RUE: first of all no it doesn't

RUE: second of all why

DAVE: i don't know

RUE: so dave guess what im not actually a rat im a human

DAVE: oh shit

RUE: and im stuck carrying my best friend's dead body around

DAVE: where is it

RUE: we merged into one person

RUE: my name is rue and her name was cat

RUE: so rat

DAVE: why did you not just turn into a whole white person and blasian?

RUE: i dont know

RUE: we just did

RUE: what if we combined the white person and the blasian and got a hot mess

DAVE: that would be me

RUE: but we're both girls

DAVE: exactly two negatives make a positive

RUE: the fuck does that mean

_cat comes back to life_

CAT: time for an antartican gobsmacker

CAT: wait who is this man carrying us

RUE: call him dave

CAT: is his name dave

RUE: no

CAT: oh okay

DAVE: hi you must be kat

CAT: actually i'm cat

DAVE: okay kat you can call me dave

CAT: no it's cat with a c

DAVE: but they sound the same how did you even know that i said it with a k

CAT: it's all about the authenticity

RUE: what authenticity they both sound the same

CAT: question me and you'll get an antartican gobsmacker

RUE: we're in the same body

CAT: it doesn't matter

DAVE: i want to marry this hot rat

CAT: shut up 

DAVE: ooh sexy

CAT: im a child piss off

_dave jumps into the ocean_

RUE: how the fuck did he do that we're nowhere near the ocean

CAT: i don't know

CAT: he was an elf

RUE: wait wasn't he carrying us

CAT: oh shit maybe that's why we're underwater

_they float underwater now. a fish swims by them. a big fish_

FISH: hello there friends, i am the fish of the underwater kingdom. would you like me to take you there

RUE: will there be oxygen

FISH: no why would we need oxygen

RUE: well _we_ need oxygen we're holding our breaths right now

FISH: you're letting out a ton of air by talking to me and also you're inhaling water and you're fine

RUE: wait holy shit really

CAT: oh my god

CAT AND RUE: WE CAN BREATHE UNDERWATER NOW

FISH: of course you can dumbass. all rock stars can

CAT: excuse me what

FISH: you must be rock stars

RUE: we don't even listen to rock

FISH: but everyone here loves your rock albums

CAT: our what

* * *

_long guitar riff that rips your face off_

**AMERICA, FUCK NO**

**AMERICA CAN SUCK A DICK**

**A DICK NAMED MISTER PEEN**

**AND IF YOU DONT BELIEVE ME, WELL THEN BITCH**

**GO LIKE** **eat a desk or smth idk im shy**

_angry drum solo_

* * *

RUE: i would have loved to write that song but i didn't

CAT: i didn't either

RUE: and neither of us can play an instrument

FISH: oh shit really

FISH: well damn get out of the sea

CAT: how

CAT: there's no stairs

FISH: fucking swim you ugly rat

RUE: hey

RUE: we're a hot and sexy rat

CAT: hell yeah

FISH: sure

FISH: happy birthday rue

RUE: wait it's my birthday?

_the fish leaves_

CAT: but it's june

RUE: yeah uh my birthday is in nOVEMBER DUMBASS

_the fish flips her off_

CAT: how did it do that it has no fingers

_rue shrugs_

RUE: well maybe we should starts swimming to the top

_they swim and swim and swim_

CAT: goddamn i can't even see the surface where are we

RUE: maybe we are in a vat of oil

CAT: what's oil

RUE: it's like this

CAT: oh damn

RUE: yeah i know

CAT: how do we get out

CAT: what if we inhale it

RUE: well then i guess you have to be prepared to die

CAT: was that a vine reference

RUE: yes

RUE: hee hee

 _they keep swimming. as they swim, the credits roll_. _finally they broke the surface_

RUE: yeEHAW


	3. murder and bagels

in which cat and rue fight over bagels, everything descends into madness, and they both become sexually attracted to men with pumpkin heads even though cat is a lesbian

_cat and rue are eating food at a cafe. rue is eating an asiago bagel. cat is eating a plain bagel._

CAT: i love plain bagels

RUE: fuck you and your plain bagels, asiago is superior and you can't tell me no

CAT: no

RUE: i told you you can't tell me that

CAT: well i just did

RUE: what is wrong with you

CAT: plain bagels for the win. they are simple and straight to the point and beautiful.

RUE: they're bland as fuck

RUE: bland is how i like my men

CAT: but you don't like men

RUE: exactly

CAT: is that why you don't like plain bagels?

RUE: yes

CAT: because they remind you of men?

RUE: what

RUE: where did you come to that conclusion

RUE: but you're absolutely right

CAT: i know i am

CAT: same brain

RUE: oh my god did you take my brain

CAT: that is always a possibility

_the camera flashes back to when cat snuck into rue's house in the middle of the night, cutting open her head. she reached into rue's head and stole half her brain_

RUE: is that why i feel less than average

CAT: oh please you're average at worst

RUE: what

CAT: didn't that make sense

RUE: kinda?

RUE: wait are you admitting to taking my brains

CAT:

_cat runs off_

RUE: gET BACK HERE

CAT: NO

_she smashes into a desk_

CAT: aH FUCK NOW I AM ONE WITH THE DESK

_she morphs into the desk. the desk now has eyes and a nose and lips and hair_

RUE: ew my sleep paralysis demon

CAT: wicca wicca woo

RUE: aren't you a desk

CAT: dicca dicca doo

RUE: that is so much worse

CAT: well sorry but can you call me dat now

RUE: why

CAT: because my name is dat so i have dat ass

RUE: you're a desk you don't have an ass

CAT: goddeskit

RUE: what does that even mean

_cat walks over to the camera, looks straight into it, and gives it the middle finger_

RUE: did you just flip off a camera

CAT: yeah with my desk fingers

RUE: you mean your dick

CAT: well in that case i have four dicks

_she wiggles the desk legs_

RUE: why am I friends with you

CAT: because you don't really have a whole lot of choices

RUE: youre right

CAT: and you love me

RUE: youre also right

CAT: and i eat cows

RUE: excuse me

CAT: i eat cows

RUE: we're no longer friends

CAT: listen i know you love cows and i do too

CAT: but i also love the taste of their meaty flesh

RUE: that was incredibly creepy

_cat shrugs_

CAT: i know but isn't that my job as a desk

RUE: i didn't know desks had jobs

RUE: most desks aren't even sentient 

CAT: what does that mean

RUE: look it up

CAT: no you never look up anything i tell you to look up

RUE: because you know im lazy

CAT: yeah that's why i do it

RUE: god why am i friends with you

CAT: we literally just went over this

RUE: i know but still

CAT: then don't ask the fucking question 

_the two of them sit in silence_

CAT: does this desk have wheels i want to go somewhere

RUE: yeah it has wheels look

_she points at cat's desk wheels_

CAT: great. can you push me

RUE: no

_she runs away. she hears the sound of squeaking and looks behind her. cat the desk is speeding after her with her squeaky wheels_

RUE: i tHOUGHT I HAD TO PUSH YOU TO MOVE YOU

CAT: YOU DONT I WAS JUST LAZY BUT NOW YOU MUST PREPARE TO DIE

_rue stops running_

RUE: i am prepared

CAT: wait no you're not supposed to be

RUE: you're the one who wrote your own funeral plans

CAT: true true 

CAT: but i wasn't SUPPOSED to

CAT: wait didn't you also write your funeral plans

RUE: yeah that's why im ready

RUE: i left you my future inheritance

CAT: aw really

RUE: yes

RUE: it includes an amount of money, 15 acres of land, and 5 houses happy birthday

CAT: you know damn well it's not my birthday

RUE: im wishing you early because you're going to kill me now

CAT: imagine being killed by a wheeling desk

RUE: that's how i wanna die

CAT: well it's not gonna be by me

RUE: why not 

RUE: it's every gorls dream to be killed by her bestie

CAT: did you just call me your bestie

RUE: yes

CAT: what are you, nine?

RUE: spiritually yes

CAT: spiritually im eleven years older than you is this pedophilia

RUE: no we're not in a romantic slash sexual relationship

CAT: still is it pedophilia

RUE: no i dont think so because youre not actually eleven years older

CAT: yeah im a year younger

RUE: yeehaw

CAT: oh god coreboy

RUE: coreboy?

CAT: yeah the cowboy core

CAT: it's called coreboy

RUE: im scared to ask why you know that

CAT: here i have pictures

_cat the desk opens a drawer of herself and spits out[this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7cc1d76a70b6a5ddeb0534826844b221/675023fe996a3225-71/s500x750/36d3045668e83245ee32c1019e8643a5c6039b43.jpg)_

RUE: why he's disgusting

CAT: that's what comes up on google

CAT: unless you want "cowboy to the core"

RUE: what about sexy halloween pumpkin men

CAT: oh yes

CAT: that's a whole line of new beginnings and possiblities

RUE: he really is hot though 

NARRATOR: a few weeks back rue had started reading a new webcomic called third shift society and discovered she was kinda attracted to the pumpkin man. so she shared him with cat, and they both realized they found him kinda hot.

NARRATOR: and then cat had the...interesting idea to photoshop the pumpkin face onto one of her favorite actors

CAT: sWEET JESUS

CAT: i hate this

RUE: oh god

RUE: it's satan in the second coming

CAT: im tempted to find other photos of this actor and put pumpkin head on him

_cat searches up the actor_

CAT: wait why does google fill in the name with "intimate pictures"

_cat clicks on it_

CAT: oH MY GOD HIS EX GF LEAKED BASICALLY HIS NUDES

CAT: **_AAAAAAAAAGH IM SCARRED FOR LIFE MY LESBIAN EYES_**

RUE: cat are you okah

CAT: dOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM

RUE: no

CAT: WELL I AINT

RUE: well

RUE: im kinda tempted to look now why'd you tell me 

CAT: BECAUSE I WAS CONFUSED AT FIRST AND THEN I GOT SCARED

RUE: well

RUE: i will have to shove down my curiosity into my right boob

CAT: why

RUE: that's where my right brain shoves all of it's questions 

CAT: that makes it seem like you have two brains

RUE: who said i didn't

CAT: what

RUE: anyways let's go back to the fact that you wanted to lick tall out boy's ears

CAT: ahah let's not

RUE: okay then let's go hide in the body of a chipmunk

CAT: how

RUE: just pull it's mouth open

CAT: ok let me try

_she grabs a chipmunk._

CAT: can you open your mouth pls

RUE: no not like—

_the chipmunk unhinges its jaws like a snake_

RUE: holy shit

_she and cat climb inside the chipmunk mouth_

CAT: it's sweaty in here

RUE: so what's up with tall out boy and their sexy ears

CAT: i tHOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERENT GONNA TALK ABOUT THEM

RUE: well what do we talk about

CAT: how about we watch barbecue the priorities dinosaur

_she points to a tv_

RUE: how is there a tv we're inside a chipmunk mouth

CAT: idk

_they turn on the tv and start watching barbecue. just as jessica starts planning her wedding, there is a knock on the chipmunk_

RUE: did someone knock on the chipmunk like its a door

CAT: who is it

_she pulls open the chipmunks mouth from the inside_

CAT: holy shit its barbecue

CAT: and jessica

CAT: and cheryl

RUE: the holy trinity

CAT: praise the gourd for giving us the holy trinity

RUE: ramen

BARBECUE: what the fuck

CAT: don't ask

JESSICA: ew where the fuck are we?

JESSICA: it feels like a wet sock

CHERYL: do you normally feel wet socks

JESSICA:

JESSICA: shut up cherry moisture

RUE: hey jessica do you remember us

JESSICA: oh shit

JESSICA: you were the sun

RUE: yes i was 

RUE: i was a hot sun

CAT: wait what when were you the sun

RUE: that one episode in barbecue

CAT: oh yeah

JESSICA: here comes the sun

CHERYL: pew pew pew pew

JESSICA: wh

_cheryl up and shoots her with a gun_

CHERYL: finally that dumb bitch is dead

RUE: did you just kill jessica

CAT: you just killed part of rue

_suddenly half of rue's body sags_

CAT: rue nO

RUE: im sorry cat im dying

CAT: NOOOOOOOO

_rue dies_

CAT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BARBECUE: girl are you okay

CAT: _**DOES IT LOOK LIKE IM OK BITCH**_

CHERYL: sorry

CAT: _**NO YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND AND SHES THE ONLY NECROMANCER I KNOW**_

CHERYL: wait but i bet she can revive herself

_rue stands up_

RUE: hi i'm tired what did i miss

CAT: holy shit

RUE: what

CAT: you just revived yourself

RUE: did i?

CAT: oh my god you're now an oblivious necromancer and an alive corpse

RUE: that's me

CHERYL: does this mean jessica is alive

_she looks at jessicas body_

BARBECUE: i guess not

RUE: can we leave this chipmunk mouth it's sweaty in here

_they climb out and discover that they are actually a lot taller than barbecue, but not cheryl_

CAT: wait how is this possible

CAT: barbecue is the tallest character in the show and yet we're taller than hm but he's still taller than cheryl but cheryl is still taller than us

RUE: holy fuck are we on drugs

CAT: we're on some acid

RUE: but we're kids where did we get acid

RUE: also i swore to never do drugs im already crazy enough

CAT: what the fuck did you do then

RUE: i made a ghost

RUE: it's me

RUE: im the ghost

CAT: well yeah we established that

CAT: but i thought semen was the ghost

RUE: no no semen is semen

CAT: ew gross

RUE: no a sea man

RUE: he's a man at sea

CAT: what sea

RUE: ejaculation

CAT: ew

RUE: sorry you asked

CAT: sigh

RUE: did you just say "sigh"

CAT: yeah

CHERYL: excuse me pay attention to us

_rue and cat look at cheryl. she is humping barbecue dressed as a large pencil_

CAT: why

RUE: why

BARBECUE: kill me i hate this

RUE: okay this show is going off the fucking rails 

_rue snaps, and their surroundings disappear. barbecue, Cheryl, and jessicas body melt away._

CAT: what

RUE: i think we need a redo

CAT: okay 

RUE: do I start the day over or can I draw us into a different place

RUE: like france i like france

CAT: okay

CAT: at least we'll be away from trump

RUE: you're right

_rue pulls out a pencil and gets to work, starting with the eiffel tower_

_roll credits_

CAT: so do you draw all the scenery 

RUE: yeah im pretty sure my hands are broken


	4. cat and rue in paris

in which rue drags her best friend to france, and then they get attacked by two french people and an american

_cat and rue are now in france, sightseeing on top of the eiffel tower_

CAT: maybe this episode will actually be peaceful for once

RUE: cat don't jinx it

_a big ass car falls out of the sky and slams down on the eiffel tower, causing it to start falling_

CAT: fUCK

RUE: YOU JINXED IT YOU BITCH

_rue pushes cat off the eiffel tower_

CAT: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa

_she hits the ground with a surprisingly loud squelch_

RUE: how the hell did i hear that

_rue dives off the eiffel tower and lands gracefully next to cat_

RUE: cat are you okay

_cat is nothing but a pile of organs and blood and eyeballs_

RUE: ew

CAT: h E L P M E

RUE: how are you still speaking

CAT: i d o n t k n o w b u t i t s a l l w e i r d b e c a u s e i m i n p i e c e s

RUE: hold on i need someone who can put you back together

RUE: but first i need your bones skin brain and head

RUE: where are they

_cat shrugs, but because she is in pieces, it looks like shes seizuring_

CAT: i d o n t k n o w

RUE: how the fuck did you break into so many pieces that you lost your bones, skin, brain, and head

CAT: do i look like i know

RUE: fair point

RUE: i know who to call

CAT: the ghostbusters

RUE: what no

_a few minutes later, horses and men show up_

RUE: time to put humptey dumpty together again

CAT: are you saying im an egg

RUE: you've told me you were an egg several times i have every fucking right

CAT: okay

_the men try to push cat's body parts together but to no avail_

MAN: bRING IN THE HORSES

_the horses also try to push cat's body parts together. eventually they just eat them_

RUE: yOU ATE CAT

HORSE: neigh neigh bitch i do what i want

RUE: yOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME

HORSE: the h in horse isn't for help it's for hoe

RUE: what

HORSE: im a hoe

HORSE: a hoe-rse

RUE: a hose

HORSE: no you idiot

RUE: you said a hose

HORSE: i said h-

_the horse collapses on the ground, and cat climbs out its butthole, covered in shit but all in one piece_

RUE: what the fuck

CAT: did ya miss me

RUE: maYBE a LITTLe BUT I diDNT nEED tO seE tHAT 

CAT: well sorry

CAT: want a hug

RUE: you're literally full of shit so no

CAT: what

CAT: oh

_suddenly it starts raining. the shit washes away_

CAT: want a hug now

RUE: no there's still shit residue on you

CAT: fuck you you're so ungrateful

_suddenly another car falls from the sky and crushes her_

CAT, FROM UNDER THE CAR: wHY DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO MEEEE

RUE: maybe it's because you jinxed it and now all the bad shit is gonna happen to you

CAT: i hate my life

RUE: aint that a mood

CAT: you're not the one who got eaten and shat out by a horse and then crushed by a car

RUE: true but i have my own problems

RUE: like the fact that i can't grow my toenails longer than eight inches

CAT: who even sets a goal of that shit

RUE: i'm trying to break a world record

RUE: my fingienails are already long as hell

CAT: okay

RUE: do you wanna see

CAT: not really but i get the feeling i don't have a choice

RUE: you're right

_she shows cat her hands. her fingernails are so long they go under the car and penetrate cat's stomach_

CAT: ow

RUE: sorry let me put them away

_she shrinks her fingernails to an acceptable length_

CAT: wait you can shrink your fingernails

RUE: yes i can i am a god

CAT: why aren't you the god

RUE: the what

CAT: capital g but we're not using that here because lowercase aesthetic

RUE: well i'll fight him then i can be

CAT: but how do we fight him

CAT: where

CAT: this was _supposed_ to be about our adventures in paris

CAT: not fighting god

RUE: well yknow does it matter

CAT: well yknow can you get me out from under this stupid car

 _rue pushes over the car_. _cat gets up_

CAT: thanks hoe

RUE: i will push you back under that car

CAT: you wouldn't 

RUE: you're right im too weak

CAT: same though

RUE: anyways what does water taste like to you

CAT: blue

RUE: what

CAT: it tastes like blue

RUE: that's not a flavor cat

RUE: vanilla is a flavor

CAT: do you think water tastes like vanilla

RUE:

RUE: possibly

CAT: and you said i was odd

RUE: you said water tastes like blue

RUE: it's not even blue it's clear

CAT: ok well

CAT: it tastes like it 

CAT: you asked for my opinion

RUE: you're right

CAT: anyways we're in france

CAT: what do you wanna do here

RUE: find leo

CAT: who the fuck is leo

RUE: leonardo 

CAT: decaprio

RUE: is he here too

CAT: i don't know

RUE: im looking for leo the pinchy

CAT: leonardo devinci

RUE: no he's dead

CAT: leo the pinchy

RUE: yes

RUE: he's my pet crab

CAT: that explains a lot

RUE: and then we should find some bread and eat it

CAT: that sounds fun 

RUE: i know that's why i suggested it

CAT: boop 

RUE: yes

CAT: aight lets go to the cemetery

RUE: what why

CAT: well you said leo davinci was dead so we gotta go grave robbing

RUE: no that's not what i—

_rue drags her to the cemetery and two shovels appear out of thin air_

CAT: now we gotta dig up all the graves and dna test all the bodies until we find leo davinci

RUE: can't we just read the gravestones

RUE: also what if someone catches us

CAT: the gravestones aren't marked because this is a special cemetery

CAT: and we can just say we're archaeologists because that job is legal

_she starts digging a grave and pulls out a skeleton_

RUE: holy shit

RUE: that's fritata

CAT: HOLY SHIT

CAT: wait what year is it

RUE: it's 2999

RUE: fritata died eight years ago

CAT: woah we're old

RUE: no we stopped aging at ages 12 and 13

CAT: oh fuck i'll never be a teenager

RUE: i'll never be a human

CAT: what

RUE: what

RUE: anyways

RUE: have you ever wanted to be a lesbian

CAT: i

CAT: am i a lesbian

RUE: i know

CAT: your reaction didn't make sense

RUE: i know 

RUE: when has it not

RUE: anyways i just realized this show doesn't have a theme song

CAT: but we do

RUE: we do?

CAT: yeah you wrote it in like the second episode

_rue pulls out a script. she angrily flips through it._

RUE: oh right

CAT: why do you just have that with you

CAT: we never even printed it out

RUE: we didn't?

CAT: yes

RUE: i don't remember printing this out

CAT: did 

CAT: did someone steal our script

RUE: they better not

* * *

NARRATOR: meanwhile

NARRATOR: yes im back

NARRATOR: i was on vacation

NARRATOR: what happened

NARRATOR: oh cat is dead again

NARRATOR: whatever

NARRATOR: anyways meanwhile, across town, there was a french gang forming against cat and rue

GANG MEMBER ONE: so i stole the script from rue 

_there's a flashback to rue reading the script on her phone_

_rue sees the ice cream truck_

_rue forgets her phone_

_the gang member steals it_

GANG MEMBER ONE: it was really hard and we had to battle it out

GANG MEMBER TWO: woah tell me more

GANG MEMBER ONE: no

GANG MEMBER ONE: i will not

GANG MEMBER TWO: but why not

GM1: because i don't _want_ to

_another gang member steps in_

GM3: bonjour hon hon hon what baguette are we murdering today, fellow croissants

GM2: i forgot that we let a non-french person into our gang

GM1: goddammit who let her in

GM2: not me

GM1: but youre the only other one _here_

GM2: well there's the receptionist at our headquarters maybe he let her in

GM1: what headquarters

GM1: what receptionist

_flashback to a rat sitting at a desk_

GM2: oh fuck maybe i just listened to a rat and let in this idiot

GM2: whatever

GM2: anyway is it time to murder cat and rue

GM1: cat is already dead

GM3: bonjour no she isn't

_gm1 slowly turns to gm3_

GM1: what do you mean

GM3: bonjour i saw them going to dig up some graves earlier

GM1: but the narrator said she died

GM3: bonjour you cant trust the narrator

GM2: can you stop putting bonjour at the beginning of your sentences

GM3: sorry

GM3: baguettes and wine anyway i saw cat and rue going to dig up some graves

GM1: rue was probably just going to bury cat so she's already dead

GM3: baguettes and wine but—

GM1: so let's brainstorm some killing methods

GM2: how about we shoot her

GM2: with water guns

GM1: how will that help 

GM2: theyre poisoned water

GM1: what

GM2: we spray it at her

GM2: make sure you spray her in the mouth

GM2: then she dies

GM1: i like how youre thinking

GM3: baguettes and wine can i come too

SCRIPT WRITER: you should just abbreviate baguettes and wine i hate typing it out

GM3: sorry

GM3: baw can i come too

GM2: no abbreviate it to the french spelling

GM3: bev can i come too

GM1: yeah why not

_they find cat and rue digging up graves_

GM3: bev i told you 

GM1: oh my god

* * *

_cat and rue see the gang members_

RUE: shit what do we do

CAT: don't worry

_she took out a tab of alka-setlzer and chewed it up, giving her a foaming at the mouth appearance to make it look like she has rabies_

CAT: now ive thrown them off their rhythm

RUE: oh my god wow

_the gang members come over to them. cat reaches into one of their pockets and pulls out a gram of coke_

CAT: woah wtf is this

GM3: bev its not mine

CAT: what the hell does bev mean

CAT: and its in your jacket pocket mister

GM3: bev im a woman

CAT: missus

CAT: you're doing two to ten and your kids are going to social services

GM3: bev i dont have kids

CAT: why do you keep saying bev

_cat grabs a telephone book and beats gm3 on the toes with it_

RUE: youre supposed to beat her torso

CAT: fuck

_now gm3 is foaming at the toes_

RUE: do i stomp on her stomach

CAT: no didnt you learn anything from barbecue we're not supposed to

RUE: i didnt know we were supposed to learn anything from barbecue

* * *

_while cat and rue are bickering_

GM2: will wooly be okay?

_gm1 looks at gm3 on the ground_

GM1: yeah

GM1: now lets take these two to a secondary location

_rue hears this_

RUE: nah sister. you aint getting me to no secondary location

_rue gets knocked out and gm1 drags her away_

CAT: what about me

GM1: aren't you dead

CAT: no

GM1: i think you are

GM2: come on lou let's goooooo

GM1: alright alright

_they drag rue and wooly away, leaving cat behind_

* * *

LOU: alright tell us what we want to know

_rue is tied up on a chair_

RUE: i wont tell you shit

LOU: you have to

RUE: no i dont want to

LOU: goddammit

LOU: wynter bring out the interrogation tactics

GM2: will do

_she threw wooly's body on the floor in front of rue_

WYNTER: tell us or you eat her

RUE: im a vegetarian

WYNTER: no youre not i saw you eat a chicken wing two hours ago

RUE: oh fuck my cover is blown

_she pulled out an engraved money clip and throws it with her teeth_

RUE: you want it? go get it!

_wynter stares at it_

WYNTER: no we want you to tell us what we want to hear

LOU: she's being so difficult

LOU: bring out the ultimate tactic

_wynter leaves and comes back with a giant knife_

_she then cuts a cake_

WYNTER: do you want some

RUE: no

WYNTER: because cake is for talkers

RUE: i dont want cake

WYNTER: what kind of idiot doesnt want cake

RUE: me

LOU: goddammit none of our tactics are working

LOU: wake up wooly

_wynter blasts a trumpet in woolys ear_

WOOLY: did someone say something

WYNTER: interrogate this person please

_suddenly cat bursts in with a giant tuba_

CAT: THE POWER OF TUBAS YA BOI

_she smashes the wall and it crumbles around them_

_credits roll_

RUE: so are you gonna free me or something


	5. cat and rue ponder their existence

in which cat looks for her fish, and then bursts into songs from the willy wonka soundtrack. not the new one. the old one with jeans wilder-than-you or whatever the fuck his name is i forget. 

_rue storms inside their new house_

RUE: IM GONNA GO MURDER A KOI FISH AND EAT IT RAW

CAT: woah what the fuck happened

RUE: IM ALSO GONNA GO PAINT MY SKIN WHITE AND SO ILL BE SAFE

CAT: oh that the fuck happened

CAT: well i just bought a pet koi fish named kai but please don't eat him

RUE: ok

_cat leaves to go to the bathroom. rue grabs the koi fish out of the fish tank and swallows it whole, then pretends to be reading a book._ _cat comes back_

CAT: wHERE IS MY KOI FISH

RUE: your- oH MY GOD YOUR KOI FISH IS GONE

CAT: DID YOU EAT KAI

RUE: NO I SAID I WOULDNT DONT YOU TRUST ME

CAT: BUT MY KOI FISH IS GONE WHERE HIS HE

RUE: I DONT KNOW

CAT: LETS SEND THIS CASE TO BUZZFEED UNSOLVED

RUE: GOOD IDEA

_they type it all down and email it to buzzfeed unsolved_

_a week later_

CAT: the new episode of buzzfeed unsolved just came out and it's about kai

_rue sweats_

CAT: why the fuck are you so sweaty

RUE: we're in the direct sun

CAT: well okay

RUE: i need to eat brownies 

RUE: my uterus is breaking down

RUE: i have a dead kid in my body that needs to drip out of me for a week

CAT: jesus rue

RUE: we don't believe in jesus catherine

CAT: jesqueshus rue

RUE: there we go we do believe in the gourd's son

CAT: wait so you just started your period

RUE: yes

CAT: mine just ended yesterday

CAT: why haven't we synced

_suddenly blood pours out of cat_

CAT: NOOOOO WE SUDDENLY SYNCED RIGHT AFTER I ENDED MY PERIOD

CAT: WHY GOURD WHY

RUE: i'm sorry

CAT: YOU SHOULD BE

_cat sobs blood_

RUE: wait you're crying blood

RUE: and also blood is coming out of your mouth and nose and ears

RUE: i don't think this is your period

CAT: ITS BECAUSE MY KOI FISH IS DEAD

CAT: YOU KILLED HIM

RUE: what no i didn't

CAT: YOU ATE HIM NOW IM BLEEDING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE

CAT: THAT WAS THE DEAL I MADE WITH THE PET STORE CLERK

CAT: IF I LOSE THE KOI FISH OR IT DIES I BLEED OUT UNTIL I DIE TOO

RUE: oh fUCK

_rue shits out the fish_

RUE: see it's alive

CAT: you bitch you ate my shit

RUE: what no

CAT: sorry verbal typo

CAT: i meant fish

RUE: i was gonna say

CAT: don't eat my shit

CAT: also did you just shit out a whole ass fish

RUE: yes

RUE: for you

CAT: that's oddly

CAT: i don't know how i feel about that

_the fish flops. cat puts it back in the tank. all the blood disappears_

CAT: oh fuck all of the blood disappeared from my body

_she falls down dead_

RUE: not again

RUE: why do you have to die every episode

_cat says nothing_

RUE: caaaaat

_cat_

RUE: wait i still have questions

RUE: how do i make a couch

RUE: how do i join the fbi

RUE: how do i convince john mulaney to marry me

RUE: how do i convince john mulaney to give me his dog

RUE: how do i seduce a frog

KAI THE KOI FISH: wait weren't those the questions fritata asked in lord of the dings

RUE: maybe but we didn't really answer them

KAI: do you want me to

RUE: no i want to

RUE: go to ikea

RUE: kill someone and beg for forgiveness

RUE: i can't he's too old and too tall

RUE: just ask him

RUE: i ask lou

RUE: she knows how to seduce a frog

KAI: o

KAI: okay

KAI: well this episode is kind shit if cat is dead the whole time

RUE: are you saying i can't entertain people without her

RUE: you're totally right but im gonna be super offended and kill you off if you agree with me

KAI: i don't know what to say

RUE: then dont say shit

_rue calls up john mulaney_

RUE: mister petunia's dad i need help

RUE: how do i make a couch

RUE: how do i join the fbi

RUE: how do i convince you to marry me

RUE: how do i convince you to give me your dog

RUE: how do i seduce a frog

JOHN MULANEY: how did you get this number

RUE: i dont know my best friend's pet koi fish gave it to me

KAI: no i didnt

RUE: shut up you did

JOHN MULANEY: is this a spam caller

RUE: no i need you to answer these questions urgently

JOHN MULANEY: well first of all im not marrying you or giving you my dog

RUE: goddammit

_rue hangs up_

KAI: i told you not to call him

RUE: you didnt tell me shit

KAI: yeah because you told me not to

RUE: goddammit

KAI: is that your catchphrase

RUE: yeah maybe

RUE: im very angry all the time

KAI: is it because cat is dead

RUE: i mean probably 

RUE: i should probably revive her

KAI: you can do that?

RUE: well yeah

RUE: i wrote part of this show

_rue pulls out a typewriter_

KAI: what is this, the 90s

RUE: shut up

 _she types. cat appears but is horribly disfigured_. _her legs are where her arms should be and her arms are coming out of her head. also her head is upside down and her neck is part of her left ass cheek_

CAT: _**why have you done this to me**_

RUE: shit how do i fix this

KAI: don't look at me i am just a simple fish

RUE: bullshit you can talk

KAI: im not helping you you ate me

RUE: come on won't you do it for cat

KAI: nah i dont want to

CAT: _**please kai**_

_kai dies_

CAT: _**nooooooo kai**_

RUE: oh god i dont want to look at you

CAT: **_i dont want to look at me either to be honest_**

RUE: why are you speaking all weird

CAT: sorry ill stop

RUE: thank you

CAT: pls fix me

RUE: how

CAT: i dont know kai is dead

RUE: we're well past that

CAT: there shouldnt be a horse in the hospital

RUE: we're well past that too

CAT: ok but hElp me

RUE: hOw

CAT: i DoNT kNoW

RUE: aAaAaAAAhH

_they scream at each other for four hours. night falls_

CAT: im hungry but i cant eat like this

RUE: your mouth is fine though

CAT: how do i get food into my mouth

RUE: arent your arms long enough to reach over and grab food

CAT: oh true

_her arm reaches out like a claw and grabs a ritz cracker_

CAT: nom nom bitch

RUE: ew you look like a spider

CAT: im an anteater

RUE: what

_cat turns into an ant_

CAT: im a cannibal

RUE: oh god

RUE: what do i do

RUE: honey my best friend shrunk herself into an ant

CAT: what a classic movie

RUE: i know

RUE: it stars me and you

CAT: well obviously 

CAT: who else would be in the movie

RUE: i don't know

RUE: Kristen Stewart 

CAT: what

RUE: idk the writer who is writing this right now is tired

CAT: isn't it you 

RUE: yeah

CAT: ok

RUE: what if i just say a bunch of random shit

CAT: no

RUE: rectangle. america. megaphone. monday. butthole

CAT: you stole that from parks and rec

RUE: indeed i did but the writer who is writing this now just woke up and is tired so you have to deal with it

CAT: well i dont like it

RUE: you're so rude

CAT: yeah i am and whats it to you

RUE: well its just that a rude ant is kinda weird

CAT: stfu

_she puts a bony finger on rue's shoulder_

CAT: come with me

RUE: no

CAT: and you'll be

RUE: no

CAT: in a woooorld of pure imagination

RUE: no

CAT: something something something explanaaaaatIOOOOOOOOON

RUE: you dont know the lyrics to this do you

CAT: sOMETHING ABOUUUUUT PARADIIIIIIIIISE

CAT: EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK YOU CAN VIEW IT OR SOMETHING 

CAT: ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO ITTTTT

CAT: I DONT REMEMBER THE END OF THE SONG

RUE: you dont remember most of the song

CAT: true

RUE: this chapter's quality is slowly declining

CAT: yeah we need to reach 5.1 pages at least

RUE: how many are we at now

_cat looks down at the page count_

CAT: 3.6

RUE: we need 2.5 more

CAT: shall we sing the lyrics to never gonna gi—

_rue shushes her_

RUE: absolutely not we're not cheap

CAT: we are cheap though

CAT: i'm still an ant

RUE: oh i forgot

_she snaps her fingers and cat is a human again_

CAT: thanks it was weird being an ant

CAT: what if we made a bee movie but with ants

RUE: no

CAT: the ant movie

CAT: arry a. ant and his friend badam

RUE: you have been stopped

RUE: permission denied 

CAT: pleeeeease

RUE: no

CAT: sad face noises

RUE: you need to stop with the sad face noises they're very disturbing

CAT: what do they sound like

_rue makes sad face noises_

RUE: like that

CAT: eugh

CAT: nasty

_sad face noises_

RUE: what the hell now they're just happening around us

_the sad face noises get louder_

CAT: what is happening

RUE: who or what is making the sad face noises

_the room gets dark and ominous music turns on. a spotlight points to a random corner of the room_

CAT: hey uh what

_a snail crawls out_

RUE: aw a cute snail

_it opens its mouth to a large size, revealing twenty rows of sharp teeth_

CAT: sWEET JESUS

SNAIL: kARGHKAFCAKHGH

RUE: _**kARJGHUGHACKGRAHP**_

SNAIL: sweet jesus

CAT: how did you do that rue

RUE: just be scarier

CAT: thats not an answer

RUE: is too you bitch

RUE: you just can't do it because you're small

CAT: this is catphobic

RUE: i know

RUE: you're so tiny

RUE: you know you could write it so you were taller right

CAT: what

RUE: yeah

CAT: did you do that

RUE: no im an average size

CAT: don't settle for average

RUE: what

CAT: be extraverage

RUE: that's not a word

CAT: doesn't matter

RUE: and also it doesn't matter if you write yourself taller because i draw the scenes

RUE: which means you gotta be nice to me

CAT: oh 

CAT: well

RUE:

CAT:

CAT: guess i will never be tall

RUE: remember when this show had structure

CAT: vaguely

RUE: what if

RUE: we put it back on track

RUE: this episode was supposed to be about your damn fish

CAT: well change the title then

RUE: okay

_rue pulls out her phone and goes to the script. the title reads "kai the koi fish." she changes it to "cat and rue ponder their existence"_

RUE: this seems right

CAT: anyways

CAT: do you ever think about how you're a character created by another version of you that's created by another version of them that-

RUE: im gonna stop you there because you'll go on forever

CAT: yes i will

RUE: but yes

RUE: do you ever think about the fact that bees shit

CAT: no but i am now

CAT: what the fuck

RUE: hee hee

CAT: oh my god

_credits roll_

CAT: what the fuck does bee shit look like


	6. how to train your eagle

CAT: do you want to go outside

RUE: no

CAT: why not

RUE: every time i go outside an eagle lands on my shoulder and people think i support america which i do not

CAT: what

RUE: i accidentally manifested an eagle and now it won't go away

RUE: wHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT EAGLE?

RUE: WHO IS TRYING TO CONTACT ME?

CAT: me

RUE: no but for real

CAT: it's me

RUE: you're not even a real human being

CAT: oh shit what am i

RUE: we've been over this you're an egg

RUE: if i punch you, you'll crack in half and spill your nasty juices

CAT: that's really weird

RUE: it's really disturbing to watch

CAT: it's disturbing to feel too 

_suddenly an eagle lands on rue's shoulder_

RUE: what the fuck i'm not even outs-

_suddenly a group of people wearing maga hats and american flag shirts burst in through the wall_

AMERICANS: aMERIKUH

AMERICANS: _**FUCK YEAH**_

_they place a maga hat on rue's head. she yeets it off_

RUE: can you stop harassing me this is the eighth time this week

_cat goes to stand between the americans and rue_

CAT: rue punch me

RUE: what why

CAT: just do it it will make these guys go away

_rue punches cat and she explodes, sending egg yolk all over the americans. they run away screaming_

CAT: see it worked

RUE: wow

RUE: i hope they don't come back

RUE: how are you still alive

CAT: how am i ever alive

CAT: also ow you punched me in the boob

RUE: well that's the most suspicious spot

CAT: the what

RUE: sorry verbal typo

RUE: sexual

RUE: wait no

CAT: im sorry wHAT

RUE: wHAT WORD AM I LOOKING FOR

CAT: i dONT KNOW

RUE: IT STARTS WITH AN S

RUE: SENSITIVE

RUE: THATS THE WORD

CAT: I HATE YOU

RUE: I HATE YOU TOO

_cat cries_

CAT: i didn't mean it

RUE: well if it helps i didnt mean it either

_cat stops crying_

CAT: yay! 😀😬😁😃😄😊🙂🤗

RUE: what the fuck were the sounds you just made

CAT: sounds of happiness

RUE: i have never made those sounds

CAT: then you've never truely been happy

_the camera zooms in on rue's confused face_

RUE: holy shit 

RUE: that was deep

CAT: i know i'm deeper than the ocean

RUE: what

CAT: yeah

RUE: if i reached down your throat, you're saying i could do that for miles 

CAT: how long are your arms

RUE: i told you they were freakishly long

RUE: see

_rue slapped her arm, and it grew ten feet_

CAT: that's nasty

RUE: flop flop

_cat slapped her neck. it grew ten feet_

RUE: now _that's_ nasty

CAT: fuck fuck

CAT: did you know giraffes fight with their necks

RUE: what

CAT: yeah they fight with their necks

RUE: are you a damn giraffe

CAT: no don't you see my teeny legs

RUE: i was gonna say

CAT: wobble wobble

_cat hits rue with her neck and knocks her out_

CAT: well fuck i guess you're the one that dies this episode

_rue is dead_

CAT: rueeeEEEEE

_rue_

CAT: goddammit rue i still had questions

CAT: how do i make a couch

CAT: how do i join the fbi

CAT: how do i convince john mulaney to marry me

CAT: how do i convince john mulaney to give me his dog

CAT: how do i seduce a frog

NARRATOR: why is this line a universal thing across the shows

CAT: it's all in the same universe

CAT: i would show you a timeline but it has new unreleased shows and some spoilers

NARRATOR: show me but just block it out

CAT: fine

_she pulls out a[timeline](https://i.postimg.cc/FsbgRyNp/Screen-Shot-2020-07-11-at-9-58-51-AM.png)_

CAT: here

NARRATOR: wait so this is the future

CAT: duh weren't you paying attention when we were in paris this is the year 2999

NARRATOR: damn im old

_the narrator begins to shrink and shrivel up into an old person_

NARRATOR: im dyi—

_the narrator is dead_

CAT: goddammit everyone is dead

CAT: well what do i even do

CAT: also will this eagle stop circling rue

CAT: its making me dizzy

EAGLE: fuck you

CAT: oh god

EAGLE: what

CAT: i didn't know you could talk

EAGLE: youve written a story about a junkie dinosaur 

EAGLE: a knockoff version of lord of dings and lord of the flies combined with your first show

EAGLE: and other things that are a secret

EAGLE: and the talking eagle is what disturbs you

CAT: well yeah

CAT: usually vultures are the birds that eat dead people yknow

CAT: not eagles

EAGLE: that's my secret

_it unzips its body to reveal a vulture_

VULTURE: i was wearing an eagle suit

VULTURE: but now that you know my secret i have to eat you because no one can ever know

_cat pulls out a sling shot and hits the vulture with a basketball. it slams into the wall and falls down dead_

CAT: take that you carcass eating bitch

_she stares at rue. suddenly another rue walks into the room_

RUE: hi

_cat looks at new rue and then dead rue_

CAT: what the fuck

RUE: what are you staring at

_cat looks back at dead rue but she has disappeared_

CAT: you were just lying on the ground dead a few minutes ago

CAT: a vulture was going to eat you but i shot it with a slingshot and a basketball

RUE: what vulture

RUE: what slingshot

RUE: what basketball

RUE: what are you talking about

CAT: what is happening

RUE: dunno maybe this is all a dream

CAT: that would be really lazy

RUE: i know it really would

CAT: but we are lazy

CAT: and so are the writers

RUE: we can't end this at 2.6 pages, cat

CAT: i know

RUE: how do we stretch this out

CAT: idk

RUE: where's the narrator by the way

CAT: they died

RUE: we need a new one

NARRATOR: hi i'm the new one what do i narrate

RUE: i dunno we don't really know what to do in this episode

NARRATOR: how about you train my pet eagle for me

_the narrator releases an eagle into the room_

NARRATOR: her name is primmy

RUE: primmy?

NARRATOR: yes

NARRATOR: i need you to train her how to sit, fly on command, peck out eyeballs on command, and do the hula

CAT: eagles can't hula

NARRATOR: says who

RUE: well i guess we should try

_the eagle stares at her_

RUE: er

RUE: so 

RUE: primmy sit

_primmy just stares_

CAT: let me try

CAT: primmy

CAT: SIT YA ASS DOWN

_primmy flips her off with her foot_

CAT: dammit

CAT: i thought that would work

RUE: primmy can you sit for me please

_primmy sits_

CAT: ok so we've found out that what we have to do is be polite

RUE: how do we train her to peck out eyes without her possibly hurting either of us

_cat smirks_

CAT: get her to peck out the narrator's eyes

RUE: ooh good idea

RUE: primmy can you peck out the narrator's eyes please

_primmy flies over to the narrator and pecks out their eyes_

NARRATOR: ow the fuck?

CAT: she's learned how to peck out eyes aww so cute

NARRATOR: don't you guys write this show

RUE: i guess so

CAT: it's really a story from deep in our subconciousnesses

RUE: we aren't really thinking when we write

NARRATOR: well you could have written a person in so primmy could peck their eyes out

RUE: that's true

RUE: tRUE

RUE: im so punny

NARRATOR: nO YOURE NOT!

RUE: shut the fuck up i could end you right now

_rue turns to cat_

RUE: can we bring the old narrator back he wasn't so judgy 

CAT: that's only because he had the voice of neil patrick harris

RUE: wait did he

CAT: i don't remember

CAT: but i did like him better let's bring him back

_the old narrator is back_

RUE: hi narrator

OG NARRATOR: hello

_he stabs the new narrator and kills him_

OG NARRATOR: anyway where were we

CAT: we were training the old narrator's pet eagle but now he's dead so we don't know what to do now

OG NARRATOR: oh my god that's my daughter

RUE: what

_the eagle turns into a young girl_

PRIMMY: hi dad

OG NARRATOR: pRIMMY

PRIMMY: ew no no affection or feelings you haven't been around for the past eight years

OG NARRATOR: i'm sorry i was getting milk at the store but i got into a very long hug with a woman

PRIMMY: ew sex

NARRATOR: how do you know what sex is 

PRIMMY: i'm an eagle eagles know all

CAT: what no they don't 

PRIMMY: this one does

RUE: wait so are you a human that can shapeshift into an eagle or an eagle that can shapeshift into a human

PRIMMY: what do you think

CAT: probably the human one because your dad is a h—

PRIMMY: wrong

CAT: wait what

PRIMMY: i'm an eagle

CAT: what

PRIMMY: im an eagle

RUE: how ever

PRIMMY: i don't know

NARRATOR: i didn't fuck an eagle i swear

CAT: im not sure if i should believe you

NARRATOR: no she just came out like that

RUE: did you wife have sex with an eagle

RUE: or your hookup i don't know what the situation is here

NARRATOR: i hope not that's super weird

RUE: then i don't know what the fuck is going on

PRIMMY: try not to think it over too much

PRIMMY: just take your drugs

RUE: what drugs

RUE: they haven't put me on drugs for a while

PRIMMY: oh

RUE: unless you count inhalers 

RUE: which i only use around cats

PRIMMY: what

RUE: im allergic to cats

PRIMMY: but 

RUE: what

_primmy points at cat_

RUE: she takes my breath away

RUE: literally

RUE: i had a dream once where she strangled me to death and said "here i am, your lovely granny."

CAT: wait what

RUE: yeah that was last night

RUE: i woke up because i was laughing too hard

CAT: what the fuck

RUE: i don't know it was really funny for some reason

CAT: sure

PRIMMY: okay

PRIMMY: well

PRIMMY: goodbye

CAT: oh

CAT: bye

RUE: we might as well end the episode here 

RUE: i'm not entirely sure what else could even happen

CAT: me neither

_credits roll_

CAT: wait why did i refer to myself as your grandma

RUE: i have no fucking clue okay


	7. cat and rue go to the movies

_rue enters, holding a piece of paper_

RUE: cat have you ever wanted to be in a movie

CAT: aren't we in a show right now

RUE: well yes

RUE: but have you ever wanted to play the part of a neglected child

CAT: no

CAT: ive never wanted that

RUE: well too bad we're auditioning come on

CAT: foR WHAT?

RUE: a movie

RUE: it's called "the two children of the earth"

RUE: it's about two neglected children who come together and fight aliens that are invading earth

CAT: no i don't want this

RUE: too bad

_they arrive at the auditioning place_

DIRECTOR: alright are you auditioning as a pair

RUE: yes

CAT: no

DIRECTOR: perfect come on in you're the first ones to audition

_the other people auditioning watch them as they are handed a script_

DIRECTOR: alright rue you're saying the lines of emmu and cat you're saying the lines of gessica

RUE: why is my character named emu

DIRECTOR: no it's emmu

DIRECTOR: now action

CAT: "i hate my life i want death to envelop me in his soft arms and whisper 'hey girl wanna have s-" wOAH WOAH WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS

DIRECTOR: it's sci-fi erotica

RUE: wait what

DIRECTOR: there's gonna be some sexy times between you two

CAT: um

CAT: what

RUE: we're children

DIRECTOR: wait i thought you were over eighteen

RUE: hOW 

DIRECTOR: well the form submitted online said you were over eighteen

_cat glares at rue_

CAT: did you say we were over eighteen?!

RUE: wELL I THOUGHT IT WOULD GET US THE PART FASTER

CAT: FUCK YOU I DIDNT EVEN WANT THIS

_cat storms off. rue follows_

RUE: okay you know the magic school bus

CAT: shut up im not listening to you anymore

CAT: but also im listening you had me at magic

RUE: well they're doing a live action version

CAT: oh yes

RUE: it's after this audition

RUE: so we gotta wait here

CAT: well darn

RUE: yeah

CAT: fine

CAT: i hope i get to play miss frizzle

RUE: no i get to play miss frizzle

CAT: and what are you going to bring to the role then

RUE: i'm going to do it in fish form

RUE: and in my lesbianest form

RUE: i'm going to be the ultimate fish lesbian

CAT: actually you can be miss frizzle i'll be your pet lizard

RUE: sounds good we'll be an iconic duo

RUE: wait how does a fish have a pet lizard

CAT: i don't know but maybe you should get into fish form

RUE: ok

_rue turns into a fish_

CAT: good job

CAT: i guess i'll just dress up as a lizard then

RUE: so you'll be a furry

CAT: no

CAT: a scaly 

RUE: oh god

_cat spins around and is suddenly in a lizard costume_

RUE: oh god oh fuck this is worse

_the director steps out_

DIRECTOR: all people who are auditioning for the live action remake of the magic school bus, please enter now

_rue and cat walk in. the director points at cat._

DIRECTOR: oH MY FUCK HONEY YOU LOOK FAB

CAT: purr

DIRECTOR: nevermind that was scary

CAT: beep beep

DIRECTOR: is that a human being

RUE: im sorry she's odd

CAT: odd isn't a word

RUE: yes it is

CAT: okay

RUE: im a dictionary

DIRECTOR: oh good. get in the costume

RUE: wait what

_the director shoves her into a book_

DIRECTOR: speak words

RUE: how am i the book now

DIRECTOR: makeup magic

DIRECTOR: now speak words

RUE: i just did

DIRECTOR: fabulous you've both gotten the part

DIRECTOR: rue, you're miss frizzle. cat, you're that lizard whatever the fuck its name is

CAT: hell yeah im a boss ass bitch

RUE: oh yay im a huge lesbian

RUE: so i can be ms frizzle no problem

DIRECTOR: good annie

RUE: who is annie

DIRECTOR: oh shit i thought you were my daughter for a second

RUE: what

RUE: you don't have a daughter

DIRECTOR: how did you 

DIRECTOR: ....

DIRECTOR: okay

DIRECTOR: now get into costume and get on set

_they do that_

DIRECTOR: action

CAT: wait we don't have scripts what do we say

DIRECTOR: this entire show is improv now gO

CAT: uh uh

CAT: oh golly oh gee ms frizzle where is my dick lubricant even though i am a female lizard and do not have hemipenes like the males

RUE: but you have hemiclitores

CAT: i dont need dick lubricant for those tho

DIRECTOR: cut cut this show is supposed to be educational not sexual

CAT: it is educational im teaching kids that lizards have hemipenes and hemiclitores

DIRECTOR: not that kind of educational

DIRECTOR: youre supposed to teach them about numbers and shit

CAT: oh ok

DIRECTOR: action

CAT: oh golly oh gee ms frizzle where is my dick lubricant for the two (2) hemipenes that i don't have

DIRECTOR: cut

CAT: what i thought i was doing good

DIRECTOR: we are not talking about genitalia at all in this show

CAT: oh

RUE: party pooper

DIRECTOR: now let's do it again from the top. improv but no sexual content

DIRECTOR: action

CAT: women have two breasts and milk comes out of them-

DIRECTOR: i think you meant to go to the show that filmed before this one

CAT: what show

DIRECTOR: i don't know but it was a lot more sexually explicit

CAT: breasts aren't sexually explicit

DIRECTOR: but this is a children's show you're supposed to be teaching them about like

DIRECTOR: bees or something

CAT: ah okay

DIRECTOR: action

RUE: so the bees are dying

CAT: i know ms frizzle it is sad

CAT: maybe if female bees had titties to feed more baby bees they—

DIRECTOR: cUT

DIRECTOR: NO TITTIES

DIRECTOR: NO PENISES

DIRECTOR: NO VAGINAS

DIRECTOR: ACTION

RUE: so the bees are dying

CAT: i know ms frizzle it is sad

CAT: but i know how to save them

RUE: how, lizard

CAT: i will use my lizard milk makers to save the bees

DIRECTOR: _**CUT**_

DIRECTOR: _**WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TITS**_

CAT: you didn't say we couldn't allude to tits

RUE: yeah you said this was improv so we can say what we want

CAT: yeah what if i just meant my milkshake machine with lizard cups

DIRECTOR: ok we're not talking about reproduction anymore

DIRECTOR: talk about underwater plant life

DIRECTOR: action

RUE: ok so we're going to learn about underwater plant life. if you look here this is coral. it is actually alive, so don't step on it

CAT: are the holes—

DIRECTOR: CUT

CAT: i wasn't going to make a sexual reference! i was going to ask if the holes were there so fish could hide in the coral from predators

DIRECTOR: oh

RUE: asshole

RUE: come on cat we're leaving

 _cat flips off the director on her way out_. 

_outside of the building_

CAT: well now what do we do

RUE: i don't know

RUE: what if

RUE: we went to paris

CAT: we already did that

RUE: oh yeah

CAT: god im so bored

RUE: we need some spicy drama

CAT: okay

RUE: who would give us some spice

RUE: let's put wooly back in here

CAT: didn't she try to kill you

RUE: no that was lou

CAT: isn't she your wife

RUE: not anymore

CAT: oh

RUE: why did you doubt i would divorce her

CAT: i don't know

RUE: she tried to kill me

RUE: i think

CAT: but you had a good marriage

RUE: some good marriages come to an end that's just how it is

CAT: oh

_the french gang bursts in_

WYNTER: you can't get away now bitches

WOOLY: hon hon hon my baguette will slaughter these idiot croissants

LOU: wooly why

WOOLY: i'm trying to be french

LOU: just stop

WOOLY: sad face noises

WYNTER: why does she always make the sad face noises

LOU: i don't know she's odd

WOOLY: i am odd thank you

RUE: what is happening

CAT: let's get away while they're talking

_they run away silently as the french gang talks to each other_

WOOLY: they got away

_she points to where cat and rue used to be_

LOU: damn

LOU: don't worry i put trackers on them in "cat and rue in paris" so we can find them easily

LOU: the tracking app is on my phone

_she reaches into her back pocket_

LOU: where's my phone

WOOLY: you used my phone

LOU: where's your phone

WOOLY: i might have sold it on ebay bc i needed the money for a beret

LOU: oh my gOD

WYNTER: we really need to find a person who is actually french

LOU: i know

WOOLY: im trying okay

LOU: at least she is fine with stabbing people 

WOOLY: you're right

_meanwhile, cat and rue had gone to the gas station_

CAT: fuck why'd we write them back

CAT: i knew this was an awful idea

RUE: eh

CAT: what do you mean eh

RUE: i'll be the distraction and you can run

CAT: what no

RUE: yeah think about it

RUE: i have no preferences on whether or not i live

RUE: but you have a life

RUE: sort of

CAT: what life

RUE: yours

CAT: all i do is sit on my ass

RUE: we both do

CAT: yeah so i don't really have a life

RUE: shut up

CAT: no you

_while they fight, a small child comes up to them_

CHILD: hewwo

RUE: ew uwu talk

CHILD: i don't speak in uwus you dumb bitch

CAT: the baby swears

CHILD: of course i swear

CHILD: and i'm not a baby

RUE: what are you

CHILD: a velociraptor

_it pulls off its human suit to reveal a velociraptor_

VELOCIRAPTOR: my name is velma

CAT: like in scooby-doo

CAT: are you a lesbian

VELMA: no i—

RUE: oh my god a lesbian icon

VELMA: nO—

CAT: LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

VELMA: _**NO**_

RUE: LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

_velma hits them both over the head with a brick and then throws them down a trapdoor in the floor behind the gas station counter_

VELMA: the french gang will have to deal with them

RUE: by the way

RUE: where is the french gang

RUE: i swear i let them put a tracker on me one time

VELMA: why are you awake

RUE: so we could have this conversation

RUE: anyway where are they

_she looks at cat. cat shrugs her knees_

CAT: i dunno

CAT: i clearly don't know

RUE: ok

VELMA: they're coming

VELMA: they're having trouble with wooly

VELMA: she sold her phone

_meanwhile, with the french gang_

WOOLY: i think i found who i sold my phone to

WOOLY: but they sold my phone because it was actually just a piece of metal

LOU: all phones are pieces of metal you dumb fuck

WYNTER: woah language

LOU: 所有的手机都是你笨蛋的金属

WYNTER: did you google translate that

LOU: yes i did

WYNTER: ok because i was confused you said "all mobile phones are your dumb metal" and i dont think that's true in me or wooly's case

WOOLY: no it's true i am the maker of all mobile phones and they're all made out of my blood

WYNTER: what

LOU: what

WOOLY: i mean

WOOLY: i haven't done anything haha hee hee hoo hoo

LOU: no one says hoo hoo anymore

WOOLY: except me

WYNTER: i don't like this

WYNTER: why did we let her in

WOOLY: because you all love me

WYNTER: no i think it was just because we both enjoy similar things

WOOLY: that also might be true

LOU: good god we're never gonna find them

_credits roll_

RUE: so do you want to go to the next audition

CAT: bitch no


	8. rue makes a song and cat is also there

RUE: I am making a new song

CAT: about what

RUE: try to guess by these lyrics

_rue plays some music_

CAT: is it about candles

RUE: how did you guess

CAT: the lyrics are just the word "candles"

RUE: oh fuck

RUE: maybe i shouldn't have been so obvious

CAT: maybe

RUE: well i've been kind of dry

CAT: ew what

RUE: not like that

RUE: song-wise dumbass

RUE: i don't have anything to write about

CAT: you have me

RUE: but you're not an aesthetic

CAT: why not

RUE: i don't know you just aren't

RUE: also i wrote like three songs about you

CAT: aw

RUE: but then i scrapped two of them because one time you pissed me off and i didn't like the other one

CAT: oh

RUE: so anyways

RUE: i need inspiration

CAT: .. m e

RUE: no

CAT: sad face noises

RUE: what do you always do this

CAT: how about america

CAT: and how it sucks

RUE: hm an idea

_she writes it down_

RUE: what's the first line

CAT: "america, land of the slaves, because freedom is apparently only for the white men"

RUE: that's kinda long and what's gonna rhyme with that

CAT: dunno you're the song writer not me

RUE: why did i ask you

CAT: why do you ask me anything really

RUE: i don't know

RUE: i need validation

CAT: mood 

RUE: okay maybe i should start with a beat

RUE: can you do that

CAT: maybe

_cat starts making dying bird noises_

RUE: sure that works

CAT: really

RUE: uh

RUE: im going to try

CAT: woah

RUE: hopefully i can pair it with other things and it can be a dubstep

CAT: fuck america: dubstep version

RUE: sure

_she makes a beat. the dying bird noises are very loud_

CAT: why are the dying bird noises so loud

RUE: because

CAT: oh

CAT: what if i made alive bird noises too

RUE: what does that sound like

CAT: just normal bird noises

RUE: how about you make a sound like a tiger being choked to death by a string of pen caps

CAT: oddly specific but ok

CAT: rAWghGHARfGAHkCHAE

RUE: nice

RUE: i have no idea what the fuck im doing anymore

CAT: well obviously

RUE: what if i send this to tonald drump

CAT: the president?

RUE: yes

CAT: do it i dare you

RUE: i already said i was gonna do it

CAT: anyways

RUE: ok can you make a noise that sounds suspiciously like a sexy pigeon

CAT: uh

CAT: hold on

_cat scrunches up her face_

RUE: what the fuck are you doing

CAT: getting into character

RUE: okay

_cat wiggles her eyebrow_

RUE: did you just-

CAT: _**coo**_

RUE: woah what the fuck

CAT: was that sexy pigeon enough

RUE: yes

CAT: kay good what's next

RUE: uhh make a noise that's like a subtly sexually aroused car

CAT: why does everything have to be sexual

RUE: just do it it will work out in the end

CAT: hold on let me get into character

_she leaves and comes back an hour later in a[car costume](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/67/65/1e/67651ecb1079bcfc26a6d0786ae093a2.png)_

CAT: **_ᵛ ʳ ᵒ ᵒ ᵐ_**

RUE: yes that was perfectly subtle and sexually aroused

CAT: ok can i get out of this costume now

RUE: yes

RUE: why do you just have that

CAT: i dunno you drew it for me

RUE: when

RUE: i don't remember doing that

CAT: you don't remember anything

RUE: you're not wrong

CAT: ok ill be right back

RUE: alrighty

_cat comes back an hour later_

CAT: is the song ready yet

RUE: yes i think so

_she plays the song. it is a mixture of dying bird noises, rAWghGHARfGAHkCHAE, coo, and ᵛ ʳ ᵒ ᵒ ᵐ_

CAT: nice i like

CAT: do we send this to tonald drump now

RUE: not yet i still have to add lyrics

CAT: what was i just doing

RUE: you were making the music

CAT: oh

CAT: well can the lyrics be "fuck drump"

RUE: sure but we need some more

CAT: "drump can eat a dick"

RUE: sure

RUE: there's gonna need to be more than just two sentences in it though

_rue starts dancing to the beat_

RUE: there's a really awful rhythm to this

CAT: i know how are you even dancing to it

RUE: i have no idea

RUE: i think ive been possessed

RUE: anyways

RUE: lyrics

RUE: let's go

_rue sways a little and then drops to the floor_

CAT: uh

_cat starts rapping_

* * *

**When I was young my husband had an award.  
I waz kicked out without no board.  
I never thought I'd see that accord.  
Ain't a soul alive that could take my husband's record.**

**A strong bat is quite the rat.**

**Thinking of pianos. Yaz, thinking of pianos (pianos).**

* * *

RUE: what

RUE: you have a husband

RUE: you think of pianos

RUE: how is a bat like a rat

CAT: shut up i was freestyling and i couldn't think of anything else

RUE: the hell does "yaz" mean

CAT: saying "yeah" is lame

RUE: that entire song was lame

CAT: rude ass

RUE: rUED

CAT: shut up

RUE: no you do it to me all the time

CAT: you're not wrong but still

RUE: ok hold on i'm gonna try to add vocals to this entire mess of a song

_rue pulls a microphone out of her mouth_

CAT: what the fuck

CAT: how long has that been there

RUE: not very long

CAT: and you wonder why your lungs are shit

RUE: i don't actually wonder i just hate it

_rue sets the microphone down and starts singing_

* * *

**This is a song for help**

**Clearly, we are losing our minds**

**This is a song for help**

**Because actually a few days ago we killed an eagle**

**This is a song for help**

**Because we are technically minors atm so we shouldn't even be writing this show**

**But this is a song for help**

**Okay, fuck it.**

**I don't even know how to add lyrics to this**

* * *

CAT: wow

CAT: that was beautiful

RUE: what the fuck do you even mean

CAT: it was lovely

CAT: i love the part where you breathed

RUE: i haven't breathed since the beginning of the episode

CAT: what

RUE: that means you didn't like the song at all

CAT: no no no

CAT: i liked the part where you DIDNT breathe

RUE: you like my slow painful death

CAT: no no no

CAT: i like you alive

RUE: being alive is pain you like seeing me in pain

CAT: no no no

CAT: i--

RUE: how many times are you gonna say "no no no"

CAT: as many times as i need to so you get my point

RUE: don't force your opinions on me you dirty toe

CAT: that's new

RUE: i'm really tired and when i am tired i make up insults

RUE: i called someone a "fucking blueberry skittle" one time

CAT: who fucks blueberry skittles

RUE: nobody

CAT: oh

CAT: can our next song be about blueberry skittles

RUE: absolutely n--

_cat has already created music and is now rapping about blueberry skittles_

RUE: why are we friends

CAT: because i give you my toenails

RUE: wait what

CAT: you receive toenails every few weeks in an envelope, dont you?

RUE: th

RUE: _that's you doing that?_

CAT: mhm

RUE: _can you stop_

CAT: but what you want to clone me one day

RUE: why on earth would i want to clone you

CAT: i dunno

CAT: you love me and are sad when im gone

RUE: well i mean that's true but i would never make a clone of you

RUE: we don't need another tiny asshole running around and throwing pedophiles off their rythm

CAT: you're right

CAT: i only do good for as long as i am alive on this planet

CAT: after i die the world can fall into hell

RUE: well i dont wanna live in it

CAT: you can kill me remember if i become too corrupt

_cat gasps_

CAT: our next song should be about me being murdered by a tall mysterious woman with lots of symbolism alluding to stabbing

RUE: i'm not that tall 

RUE: or mysterious

CAT: pretend to be it makes it more dramatic

RUE: do i need to follow chris's tips to become a more mysterious person

_she pulls out her phone_

RUE: "pretend you are blind so people will feel sorry for you"

RUE: i can do that

RUE: im already pretty fuckin blind

_rue slips on some sunglasses_

RUE: okay next step

RUE: " people you are deaf for a mysterious deaf effect"

_rue turns to cat_

RUE: i am deaf

CAT: no you aren't

RUE: shh

RUE: "act like you want to divorce your wife"

RUE: well i can't do that no one wants to marry me

RUE: nEXT

RUE: "wear a lace glove because they are the most mysterious gloves known to man"

RUE: cAT

RUE: do you have any lace gloves?

CAT: no but i have face gloves

_she holds up two gloves with the faces of chris hemsworth on them_

RUE: well i guess those work

RUE: "why not dress like a ghost so people will think you are mysterious and haunting"

RUE: i will wear this blue sheet because i dont have white sheets

_rue cuts two eyeholes out of the blue sheet and drapes it over herself_

CAT: stylish

RUE: "tell your friends there is a creature living inside your head"

_rue walks over to lou, who is reading a magazine backwards, upside down, and diagonally_

RUE: there is a creature living inside my head

LOU: who the hell are you

RUE: i am a tall and mysterious woman

CAT: yes she is

LOU: wait are you rue

RUE: dammit how did you know

LOU: you two are never seen without the other

RUE: fuck

RUE: cat you gotta become mysterious too

CAT: ok ok hold on

_cat runs off, coming back in a matching blue sheet, wearing gloves with a picture of wen qing from the untamed on them_

CAT: is this mysterious enough

RUE: sure

RUE: very mysterious

RUE: what the hell are those gloves though

CAT: what the hell are yours

RUE: you gave these to me

CAT: these kinds of gloves are very cheap and i am small and have no money

RUE: that makes sense

CAT: i'm surprised this makes sense to you

RUE: you just gotta remember that nothing makes sense and then everything will make sense

CAT: what

RUE: i might be having a stroke

CAT: please don't die

RUE: im fine

RUE: maybe

RUE: anyways the song is done

RUE: now we have to listen to it one more time and then publish it

_rue plays the song, but all you can hear is faint singing and duck noises_

RUE: perfect

CAT: it's a masterpiece

CAT: what is our band name

RUE: rat

CAT: no that's too cliche

RUE: mouse

CAT: uh sure but let's make it longer

RUE: how about we spell it like mowss

CAT: no that just sounds like mows like mows a lawn

RUE: how about mouse in german 

CAT: maus?

RUE: uh french

CAT: souris?

CAT: ooh i like that

RUE: wait how do you know all these things you don't speak german or french

CAT: i have my ways

_she slowly hides her phone that has the google translate tab open_

* * *

_flash forward to the song being released_

RUE: okay

RUE: there are only bad reviews

CAT: but there's eight million likes

RUE: what the fuck then

CAT: i have no idea

CAT: the nice people are shy?

RUE: a possibility

_the credits roll_

CAT: this song is actually kinda shit

RUE: you're only realizing that now


	9. saving the turtles

CAT: skskskssk save the turtles

RUE: oh god not a vsco girl again

CAT: no rue

CAT: my turtle friend is in trouble

RUE: your what

CAT: my turtle friend steve

CAT: he has been taken hostage by some sharks and they're gonna eat him

RUE: sharks don't eat turtles

CAT: these sharks do

CAT: weird i know

RUE: when did you get a turtle friend named steve

CAT: when did you get a pet crab named leo the pinchy

RUE: we never actually found him

RUE: cuz you took me to the cemetery

CAT: it all was for the best

RUE: i could have been chilling with my crab dude but instead i got knocked out and taken hostage how is that for the best

CAT:

CAT: i don't fuckin know

RUE: mad face

CAT: did you just say mad face

RUE: yes

CAT: i'm sorry i pissed you off but can we save steve

RUE: we can kill steve

CAT: no

RUE: why

CAT: i love him

RUE: ew

CAT: not in that way 

CAT: like a friendship way

RUE: oh

CAT: did you think i was smooching a turtle genuinely 

RUE: kinda yeah

CAT: oh my god why do i even ask

RUE: i don't know

RUE: you know my mind is fucked up

CAT: that's true

RUE: i drew a horse teeth mask on a duck once

_cat pauses_

CAT: first off

CAT: why

CAT: how

CAT: what 

CAT: when

CAT: where

CAT: who

RUE: because i wanted to

RUE: i picked up a pencil and tried to draw a horse but it turned into a duck. or maybe the other way around

RUE: a horse duck mask

RUE: don't ask me that because i don't even know what year it is

CAT: it's 2999

RUE: it was in my house

RUE: i did it

RUE: i did the murder in my house with the pencil

CAT: this isn't clue

RUE: are you sure

CAT: no

_suddenly they are in a mansion_

MRS PEACOCK: oh my god mr body is dead

CAT: holy shit we're in clue

RUE: are we being controlled by any humans

_rue looks up. she sees three giant humans playing clue_

RUE: oh my god we're characters in game

CAT: what do our descriptions say

RUE: you are a girl with a strange affinity for throwing knives and i have been known to only play piano at jazz concerts where people mysteriously perish

CAT: gross

CAT: how do we get out of here we need to save steve

RUE: is that steve

_she points to a dead turtle mounted on the wall_

CAT: sTEVE

_she runs over to steve_

CAT: STEVE

_she shakes steve_

RUE: he's fuckin dead cat stop shaking him

CAT: IF YOU SHAKE SOMEONE HARD ENOUGH THEYLL WAKE UP

RUE: where did you get that little nugget of information

CAT: MY DREAMS, BITCH

RUE: ah yes

RUE: dreams

RUE: the best source of information

CAT: HELP ME

RUE: why

RUE: you know damn well i have no energy 

CAT: you like science 

RUE: that doesn't mean im frankenstine

CAT: what

RUE: frankenstine is the scientist

CAT: i thought it was the monster

RUE: no

CAT: okay

_she keeps shaking steve_

RUE: you're shaking him so much you're gonna break his neck

CAT: he doesn't have a neck

_she breaks steve's neck_

CAT: shit

RUE: i told you

CAT: bitch you didn't tell me anything

RUE: i told you that you would break his neck but did you listen

RUE: no

CAT: i don't have to listen to you

RUE: i would advise that you do so because i'm older and smarter

CAT: you're a year older and just as dumb as me 

RUE: i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that

_cat begins to scream what she just said_

CAT: y _OU'RE A Y **EAR OL—**_

RUE: ok i get it

CAT: good

_she keeps shaking steve and slowly breaks all of his turtley limbs_

CAT: shit

RUE: why are you like this 

CAT: im not really sure

RUE: and you wonder why people don't trust you with things

CAT: people trust me with things

RUE: you literally just double murdered a turtle because you thought you could bring it back to life

RUE: i wouldn't trust you with shit

CAT: sad noises

RUE: definitely never

CAT: sob

RUE: cat look at that fuckin turtle

CAT: i don't want to

RUE: _**LOOK AT IT**_

_she forces cat to look at it and accidentally snaps cat's neck_

RUE: oh fuck

_cat is now dead_

RUE: why do you have to die every episode

NARRATOR: it makes it more dramatic

RUE: but it doesn't because it happens every time so it's predictable

NARRATOR: listen i didn't write this

RUE: ok neil patrick harris

NARRATOR: whatever

RUE: you always do this

NARRATOR: do what

RUE: being a simple bitch

NARRATOR: as the narrator it is my job to be the simplest bitch

_rue throws cat and steve's dead body at the camera_ _. the camera screen cracks and then goes black, but there is still audio_

RUE: fuck, i broke the camera!

NARRATOR: good god

_there is a scuffling sound_

RUE: my foot is stuck under something

NARRATOR: how

RUE: well my vision is connected to the camera so i see whatever it sees

RUE: since it sees nothing i see nothing and i think i got my foot stuck

NARRATOR: don't you write this show

NARRATOR: just write it so that the camera is fixed

RUE: i literally just told you i can't see

NARRATOR: here's a pencil

RUE: what the fuck do i write on

NARRATOR: just write on the wall

RUE: okay whatever

_there's a scribbling noise and the camera flickers on but it is shattered so everything looks kinda like a kalediscope_

NARRATOR: that is the worst handwriting i have ever seen

RUE: fuck you i couldn't see

NARRATOR: it looks like a drunk monkey tried to write with its feet

RUE: i kNOW

NARRATOR: it's like if a chicken was on drugs and picked up a pen

RUE: I KNOW

NARRATOR: or if a girl of age 13 couldn't see and picked up a pencil

RUE: _**SHUT UP**_

NARRATOR: geez sorry

RUE: you better be sorry

NARRATOR: anyway can you write cat back to life

RUE: no

NARRATOR: what why

RUE: because you were mean about my handwriting so i'm not gonna write

NARRATOR: i didn't mean it

RUE: you sounded like it

NARRATOR: i'm sorry

RUE: you don't mean that

NARRATOR: i do

RUE: liar

RUE: anyway what is my foot stuck under

_she looks down. it is the body of reverend green_

RUE: woah reverend green is now dead

NARRATOR: fuck him

RUE: ew no

NARRATOR: not like that i mean like "ugh he sucked"

RUE: oh i see

RUE: where are the others

NARRATOR: mrs peacock is inside the couch, eating cheetos—

RUE: she's wHAT

NARRATOR: miss scarlet is in the bathroom taking a shit, colonel mustard is uh

NARRATOR: "having relations" with the vacuum cleaner—

RUE: e w

NARRATOR: professor plum is in the kitchen eating a plum—

RUE: is that cannibalism

NARRATOR: possibly

NARRATOR: and dr orchid is—

RUE: who

NARRATOR: dr orchid

NARRATOR: [this](https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/00e0d30234b685b8bf5f26c0324397756f5753e0/0_0_1912_2419/master/1912.jpg?width=700&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=239e9dcae5e6e460cba6f660cdd79216) woman

NARRATOR: she replaced mrs white or whatever her name is

RUE: i see

NARRATOR: is lying dead in the bathtub

RUE: woah ok so someone killed her and reverend green

NARRATOR: what if it was cat

RUE: impossible, cat was crying over steve the turtle's dead body

NARRATOR: what if steve killed them

RUE: steve was dead at the time

NARRATOR: or was he

NARRATOR: what if you killed them

RUE: why would i kill them

RUE: i'd only kill for my own gain

NARRATOR: so you'd kill though

RUE: i literally just told you

NARRATOR: oh

NARRATOR: alright then

NARRATOR: im a little afraid of you

RUE: be more afraid

NARRATOR: i'm more afraid of that thing

_the narrator points at mrs peacock, who is inside the couch eating cheetos_

NARRATOR: that thing scares me

RUE: she's just eating cheetos

NARRATOR: no 

NARRATOR: she's eating them

NARRATOR: with **_malice_**

_beat._

RUE: is that like a special sauce

NARRATOR: what no

NARRATOR: it means evil intent

RUE: how do you eat cheetos evilly

NARRATOR: you eat them like her

_rue looks at mrs peacock. she is eating the cheetos and wiping the cheeto dust on her hair_

RUE: i agree that's evil

RUE: if i did that the dust would never come out

RUE: my hair is full of secrets

NARRATOR: what, are you from mean girls

RUE: yes except i am the gay kid

NARRATOR: sure

RUE: have you not noticed yet that i have a huge lean towards girls because women are attractive

NARRATOR: have you forgotten how attracted to men you are

RUE: yes

NARRATOR: also is there anyone gay in mean girls

RUE: yeah me

NARRATOR: i didn't realize you were in mean girls 

RUE: it's true i was the street that the bus that hit regina george drove on

NARRATOR: oh

NARRATOR: is that a french pun

RUE: yes

NARRATOR: you know most of the people watching this probably won't get that

RUE: that's the point dumbass

RUE: it's like adult jokes but instead with the french toasties

NARRATOR: i

NARRATOR: okay

RUE: why am i talking to you

RUE: you're like a grown ass man

RUE: im gonna make you into a little boy

NARRATOR: wait no

RUE: too late

_neil patrick harris is now a child_

NARRATOR: frick

NARRATOR: wait now i can't swear?!

NARRATOR: you female dog!

NARRATOR: AUGH

RUE: haha you cant use dirty words you fucking baby

NARRATOR: frick you you dumbbutt i will get revenge

NARRATOR: catch these fricking hands

_he tries to punch rue but she dodges_

RUE: you cant punch someone if that someone is really the fist 

RUE: of jUSTICE

NARRATOR: that doesn't make sense 

RUE: nothing i say makes sense 

RUE: je suis le chat

NARRATOR: you are not a cat

RUE: or am i

_rue turns into cat_

CAT: hi 

NARRATOR: what the hell i thought she meant the animal

CAT: i am an animal

CAT: humans are animals

CAT: ever heard of--

NARRATOR: stop we don't need more samurai warriors references

CAT: sad face noises

NARRATOR: dont make that noise with me

NARRATOR: how are you even alive anyway

CAT: i'm not i'm still rue

CAT: cat is dead

CAT: i just shapeshifted into her 

CAT: or did i

CAT: i think i've achieved mysteriousness

NARRATOR: you have now who the fuck are you

CAT: i don't even know anymore

CAT: i may be a petal on the wind

NARRATOR: please stop with the references

CAT: sigh it is in cat's blood i dont even know what these mean

CAT: help

NARRATOR: i cant i am a simple child

NARRATOR: also maybe if you solve this clue mystery you can go home and cat will be alive again

CAT: maybe

CAT: uh

CAT: okay

CAT: peacock

CAT: pea cock

CAT: what a horrible word

CAT: gasp maybe a pea boned these people to death

NARRATOR: that was taken so out of context i might accidentally smash my fingies with a hammer as i sob tears of orange juice

CAT: what 

NARRATOR: just an average tuesday

CAT: it is friday

NARRATOR: and i'm a grandmother

CAT: what

NARRATOR: what

CAT: you're a little boy how are you a grandmother

NARRATOR: anyways

CAT: peacock can you get out of the couch for a second

MRS PEACOCK: fUCK iTS THE FEDS

CAT: no

MRS PEACOCK: fUCK I GAVE AWAY MY SECRET

CAT: what secret

MRS PEACOCK: oh phew she doesn't know i did the murder

CAT: well i do now

MRS PEACOCK: shit 

CAT: wheres the popo

_a man walks in and handcuffs mrs peacock with celery sticks. suddenly the world spins and cat and rue are back in their old house_

_credits roll_

RUE: this episode wasn't even about a turtle

CAT: it was for a few minutes

RUE: yeah whatever happened to that turtles bones

CAT:

CAT: i have no ideaass


	10. cat attempts to teach rue how to play video games (season finale)

CAT: come play samurai warriors 4 with me ruey

RUE: play what

CAT: samurai warriors 4

CAT: there are girls that make my gay heart be gay

CAT: you will like them

RUE: how do you know

CAT: i don't actually i'm just hoping you will so we can be in gay solidarity

RUE: oh

_cat turns on her playstation 4 and starts the game_

CAT: here's a controller

RUE: i know what a fucking controller is im not three

CAT: are you sure

RUE: very

CAT: alright

RUE: why are we playing the fourth one why aren't we starting at samuria warriors one

CAT: samuria

RUE: that's not a word

RUE: fuck

RUE: mouth typo

CAT: because they all follow the same story but samurai warriors 4 is the newest one with the best graphics n shit

CAT: the first one was made in like the 90s so

RUE: i see

RUE: how do i play though

CAT: you just press the buttons a lot and hope you hit the enemies

RUE: sounds easy

* * *

_suddenly they are pulled into a void_

CAT: what the hell is this

RUE: the void

CAT: but why we were about to play the game

RUE: maybe we are being sucked into the game

CAT: samurai warriors doesn't look like this

RUE: this is just the void pathway you dumb fuck

CAT: oh

CAT: yeah i'm a dumb fuck

RUE: sometimes you are

CAT: i know

RUE: you do know

CAT: yeah

RUE: im surprised you wouldn't know that

CAT: you tend to know more about shit that doesn't make sense

RUE: true true

_they land next to a big cherry blossom tree_

CAT: i'm allergic to these things we're fucked

RUE: then let's get out of here

_they run. suddenly it is night and also snowing_

CAT: woah it's night and also snowing

RUE: no it isn't the sky is just dark and white stuff is falling from the sky

CAT: that's night and snow

RUE: oh

_they see soldiers in the snow_

RUE: what are they doing

CAT: i don't know where are we right now

RUE: you've played this game shouldn't you know

CAT: i really should but i can't tell

CAT: i can't remember when there's snow in this game

RUE: you should

CAT: i kNOW

RUE: rack your brain, cat

_cat taps on her head_

RUE: that's not what that means

_cat looks around. she sees a house_

CAT: look a house

CAT: maybe if we look inside we'll know

RUE: so we're going to peek inside someone's house

RUE: that's creepy

CAT: you're creepy

RUE: i'm not looking in there i aint a stalker

CAT: what if you are

RUE: shut up

_cat looks inside the house_

RUE: well what is it

CAT: n o

CAT: someone's dying

RUE: get away from that window it's weird to stalk dying people

_cat cries_

RUE: come o n

RUE: wait who is dying

_rue walks over to where cat is_

CAT: you're a hypocrite

RUE: i never said i wasn't

CAT: 

CAT: 

CAT:

CAT: you don't have to say so that's for other people to judge

RUE: why are people judging me

CAT: it's human nature asshole

RUE: who is dying

CAT: that man

_she points at a[dying man](https://i.postimg.cc/hvhvfQGH/Screen-Shot-2020-08-12-at-3-31-22-PM.png)_

RUE: he looks like he's ten

CAT: yeah i know he's babie

RUE: you're babie

CAT: in what way

RUE: you're young, small, and dumb

CAT: i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that

RUE: do you want me to repeat it the way that you did to me in the last episode

CAT: no not really

RUE: then hear it

CAT: i don't want to

RUE: anyways who is this little shit

CAT: excuse you he's one of the smartest people in this game

RUE: but who is he

CAT: well i don't want to get copyrighted even though i said the name of this game multiple times so call him handbee

RUE: that

RUE: what

RUE: we're not gonna get copyrighted

CAT: oh

CAT: well his name is hanbei if you were wondering

RUE: i see

RUE: why is he dying

CAT: sickness i think

RUE: corona

CAT: no

RUE: i dare you to smash the window

CAT: no

RUE: too bad

_rue grabs cat's body and smashes the window. the two of them fall inside the house_

CAT: ow my back

RUE: ow my neck

CAT: did your neck break

RUE: if it did i would be dead

CAT: oh right

RUE: i just want to go home

RUE: this is why i don't play video games this always happens

CAT: it does

RUE:

_flashback begins_

PAST RUE: i am gonna beat you at mario kart

RUE'S BROTHER: no you aren't

_they set it up_

_they get sucked in_

_flashback ends_

RUE: i did beat him in the game but still

CAT: this has never happened to me

CAT: maybe it's a rue thing

RUE: it's probably a rue thing

CAT: you have a problem

RUE: i do and i don't know how to fix it

CAT: when do you know how to fix anything

CAT: like do you know how to fix this broken window

RUE: no

_they stare at it_

CAT: well

CAT: we watched hanbei die

CAT: and smashed his window

RUE: what a way to live your last moments

CAT: i think he died before we smashed the window though so we're really just sharing a room with a corpse at this point

RUE: ew

CAT: why

RUE: i don't know it's just odd

CAT: true true

RUE: anywho

RUE: lets leave

RUE: maybe grab some weapons

RUE: in case we gotta do the stabby stabby

CAT: good idea

_they grab two swords_

CAT: do you think we could have magical powers maybe

RUE: why would we

CAT: idk it would be cool though

CAT: i could guess your card correctly every time

RUE: i wasnt envisioning those kinds of powers but sure

RUE: also that's fake ass magic

RUE: i hate "magicians"

RUE: they ruined the name of magic so much we had to change the spelling to magick so people could tell the difference between real magic and fake shit like pulling rabbits out of a fuckin abe lincorn hat

CAT: did

CAT: did you say abe lincorn

RUE: yeah why

CAT: i don't think that's his name but ok

CAT: once i saw someone pull a worm out of a cowboy hat once

RUE: that wasn't magic that just happens

CAT: what

CAT: worms do not frequent yeehaw hats

RUE: yes they do look

_she looks around for a hat. she finds a helmet instead_

RUE: i bet this has a worm in it

_she turns the helmet over and empties it out. hundreds of dead birds fall out_

CAT: what the hell

RUE: well you know what they say

RUE: the early worm kills the bird

CAT: no one says that

RUE: wait i swear that's always been a saying in my family

CAT: i don't know what to tell you

RUE: damn it

RUE: why is it always dead birds

CAT: i have no idea

RUE: oh fuck does this mean big bird is...

CAT: no he couldn't

CAT: right?

_she looks at the birds_

CAT: oh my god it's just big bird all chopped up

RUE: is there anyone in this game who likes chopping up birds #likeanass

CAT: first of all, why the hashtag

CAT: second of all, do demons like chopping up birds?

RUE: what

RUE: uh

RUE: maybe

CAT: oh no

CAT: it may be the work of the demon king

RUE: lucifer

CAT: no 

RUE: oh

RUE: then this king sounds lame

CAT: you know i am lucifer right

RUE: exactly you're the only demon king that matters

RUE: wait no i wrote a different story about a demon king and im kinda into him his name is faunus

RUE: and he radiates sexy

CAT: is that dangerous

RUE: yes

RUE: that's why it's fun to write him

RUE: also he has no fuckin clue what he's doing and he's kind of like a stale cinnamon roll

CAT: why does he have to be stale

RUE: because

CAT: i hate stale it reminds me of pale which reminds me of oranges and oranges remind me of donald trump and i hate donald trump

RUE: that was a wild ride from start to finish

CAT: i know but it just does

CAT: deal with it

RUE: i have dealt with your fandom bs since the beginning of this episode

CAT: i applaud you i am just a big jar of bullshit

RUE:

CAT:

CAT: you're imagining my face on a jar filled with literal bull shit aren't you

RUE: you know me so well

CAT: i do

CAT: so well i might accidentally smash my fingies with a hammer

CAT: just an average tuesday

RUE: it is friday

CAT: and i am a grandmother

RUE: what the hell did you just copy this from the last episode

_cat sweats a considerably large amount_

CAT: no

_rue narrows her eyes_

RUE: 

CAT:

RUE:

CAT: 

RUE: well okay then

RUE: so is anything going to happen in this game or are we all just going to stand here in silence

RUE: don't forget that we just watched a little boy die

CAT: again

CAT: he isn't really a little boy

RUE: again

RUE: he looks like one and his name is handy bee

CAT: i agree with the first part but he is not a handy bee

CAT: anyway uh maybe if we walk around we will meet people

_they walk around. they walk for so long they both pass out. when they wake up they are lying on beds in someone's house_

RUE: not another house

RUE: i thought this game was about fighting other samurai warriors not animal crossing

CAT: were we kidnapped?

RUE: these are some nice kidnappers then

RUE: because this bed is the shit 

CAT: what if someone died in it

RUE: cat please i am tired we don't have to think about death all the time

RUE: i know you are an edgy teen but--

CAT: you're the teen i'm 12

_a boy with blondish hair that looks kinda like hay walks in_

[BOY](https://i.postimg.cc/FRT1rVhy/Screen-Shot-2020-08-12-at-3-32-04-PM.png): do you like to read

CAT: depends on the book

_he throws a book at her. it knocks her out. there was a brick inside of it_

RUE: holy shit i think you killed her

RUE: are you alexi reincarnate

RUE: actually wait that doesn't make sense nvm

_a man with gray hair and a goatee walks in_

[MAN](https://i.postimg.cc/DZv83M3f/Screen-Shot-2020-08-12-at-3-32-21-PM.png): oh my god takakage please stop killing everyone who sleeps in this room with your brick books why do you even have those

TAKAKAGE: oops

RUE: excuse me what

RUE: is this room cursed

RUE: are there ghosts

CAT: hi i'm somehow alive even though i was vibe checked by a brick

RUE: are you a ghost

CAT: ooh that would be a fun thing to be

CAT: woah is that motonari

MOTONARI: who the hell are you and why are you here

CAT: you BROUGHT us here you stupid old man

RUE: cat that is rude

CAT: rUED

_beat_

CAT: jk man ily and i actually do you're very nice

MOTONARI: well

MOTONARI: i am running on adrenaline from sleep deprivation so if you could throw that brick book at me that would be great

RUE: it will kill you

MOTONARI: i welcome death gratefully 

TAKAKAGE: dad no you are not an edgy teen

MOTONARI: how do you know you ass

TAKAKAGE: because you're thirsty years old

RUE: thirsty?

TAKAKAGE: i meant thirty shut up you old bat

RUE: im like a year older than you why does everyone think im old

CAT: because you are

CAT: haven't your tiddies turned to clay

RUE: cat we've talked about this

RUE: that doesn't happen

TAKAKAGE: what are clay tiddies?

RUE: it's not a thing

CAT: i think it is

RUE: stop spreading lies cat

CAT: i'm not! clay tiddies are real. right takakage

_she looks at him. he shrugs_

TAKAKAGE: what are tiddies

RUE: this boy is a baby get him the fuck outta here

CAT: we need some super hot women

RUE: you're right

_she turns to takakage_

RUE: get out of here we're lesbians

CAT: you're not a lesbian

RUE: he didn't need to know that

TAKAKAGE: what's a lesbian

_cat shrieks an unholy shriek of pain_

RUE: oh my god cat he's so clueless it's driving me nuts

TAKAKAGE: i know what gay is though

RUE:

TAKAKAGE: it's two guys that love each other very much and—

MOTONARI: haHAHAHA OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH no sex

MOTONARI: now i am going to hit myself with a brick 

_he looks for bricks. there are none because cat has just eaten them_. _everyone hears the loud crunch_

EVERYONE EXCEPT CAT: what the f u c k 

_cat swallows the bricks_

RUE: okay barbecue

CAT: shut up

CAT: well lesbian is like gay but it's with girls

TAKAKAGE: oh

TAKAKAGE: i still don't know what tiddies are

RUE: cat don't tell hi—

CAT: they're boobs

RUE: nOOOOOOOOOOO

TAKAKAGE: what are boobs

RUE: oh my god let's kill him

CAT: what no

CAT: he's too cute to die 

RUE: well i think we still need some hot women then

CAT: ah yes correct

CAT: well we will be leaving now so i'm gonna break your fucking window

_she and rue jump through the window into the outside_

RUE: aight where are the hot women

_cat shrugs_

RUE: fuck you

CAT: sorry i'm a child i don't do the sex remember

RUE: oh sorry

RUE: well where are these women you speak of

CAT: i bet if i snap my fingers they will appear

RUE: that's impossib—

_cat snaps her fingers and a[woman](https://i.postimg.cc/bYGbWqxy/Samurai-Warriors-4-6.jpg) with a huge pink afro appears_

RUE: what

CAT: i have a big crush on her

CAT: and guess what

CAT: her name is koshosho

RUE: like the clay lady?

CAT: kinda

RUE: it's gallons wife but less interesting

CAT: well that's rude but okay

RUE: why do you think my name is rue

CAT: rUED

RUE: haha yeah

CAT: ey thats you

RUE: so is this woman clay

CAT: no

_koshosho is now clay_

CAT: well my yees have just been hawed i cant believe my eyes

RUE: your whats have been what now

CAT: my yees have been hawed

RUE: cat are you okay

CAT: do i look okay

RUE: well you're kind of covered in broken glass so no

CAT: exactly

RUE: you should probably do something about that 

RUE: you're losing a lot of blood

CAT: i die in like every episode im used to it by now

RUE: jesus

_cat dies_

RUE: not even a surprise honestly

RUE: well now i have no one to talk to

RUE: isnt this place supposed to be full of people

RUE: cat you lied to me 

CAT:

RUE: sigh

RUE: this sucks

RUE: i want an axe to throw at someone

RUE: cat does anyone in this game have an axe

_an axe appears_

RUE: nice

RUE: well what the fuck do i do now

RUE: cat come back i dont know how to human 

RUE: caatttt

RUE: cAAATTTTT

_cats face emerges from the dirt_

CAT: wHAT

RUE: how do i get out of here

CAT: i dunno try dying

RUE: but if i die i cant come back to life

CAT: how do you know

RUE: i literally dont

CAT: well

CAT: i dunno what i can do for you

RUE: shit

RUE: fine

_rue takes the axe and slams it into her head_

CAT: jesus crust okay

RUE: how am i still alive

CAT: i have no idea

RUE: fuck maybe i gotta take it out

CAT: maybe try it

_rue takes it out, and blood sputters out of her forehead but she doesnt die_

RUE: what the hell am i immortal

CAT: maybe

RUE: wait

RUE: is this a dream

CAT: fuck you've figured it out

_cat starts dissolving_

RUE: cat

RUE: cat wait was this all a dream

_rue wakes up in a cold sweat_

RUE: cat?

RUE: cAAAAAAAAAAT?

_cat opens the door to her room, swaddled in a comforter_

CAT: what it's like one in the morning

RUE: what

RUE: how long have i been asleep

CAT: like eight days i was kinda worried

RUE: jesus crust

CAT: huh

RUE: it's an inside joke

CAT: huh

RUE: you wouldn't get it 

CAT: huh

RUE: okay goodnight

CAT: goodnight?

_an axe falls from the ceiling and impales rue_

CAT: holy shit what

CAT: rue are you okay

CAT: rUE?


	11. halloween (not canon)

CAT: rue rue rue

RUE: what

CAT: it's halloween

RUE: yes i am aware

CAT: get up

RUE: it's too early

CAT: it's four in the afternoon

RUE: wait really

CAT: yes

_she shows rue her phone and it is in fact 4 in the afternoon_

RUE: damnit not againt

CAT: does this happen often

RUE: yes it does

CAT: weird

CAT: anyway what are we gonna be

RUE: we should match

CAT: no i don't wanna match i have a plan

RUE: then why did you ask

CAT: so you can pretend like you gave me some input

RUE: i

RUE: okay

RUE: well what are you gonna be then

CAT: i am gonna be....

_she does a long dramatic pause that lasts eight minutes long_

RUE: are you gonna say anything

CAT: shut up you're ruining the moment

RUE: this moment has been wasting time i could have used to sleep

CAT: that's true but

CAT: i'm trying to build suspense

CAT: so shut your fuck

CAT: now i have to do this all again

CAT: i am gonna be....

_long dramatic pause that lasts ten minutes_

CAT: a cat

RUE: well that was a whole lot of buildup for nothing

CAT: i know

CAT: i'm actually rethinking my costume

RUE: then we can match

CAT: no i already have an idea

RUE: jesus christ you're fast

CAT: i'm actually very slow but suit yourself

CAT: i'm gonna be--

RUE: is it gonna be a koei warriors character

_beat_

CAT: well now i'm embarrassed to say

RUE: it totally is

CAT: now it can't be i gotta think of something else

CAT: damn you rue

_rue makes smiley face noises_

CAT: eugh i hate that

RUE: im sorry i know you too well at this point

CAT: im sorry too

RUE: why that doesnt make sense

CAT: does anything ever make sense to you

RUE: not really my brain is kind of like a scrambled egg

RUE: it only contains languages

CAT: how on earth does that relate to a scrambled egg

RUE: eggactly

CAT:

CAT: i hate you so much

RUE: no you don't 

CAT: how did you know

RUE: cause you suck at lying

CAT: i actually don't

CAT: i've lied many times

RUE: to me?

CAT: no

CAT: to everyone else in my life

_beat_

CAT: anyways halloween

RUE: we're invited to a party and i already said we're going so we need to get costumes in less than four hours because the party is in 3 hours, 59 minutes, and 14 seconds, 13, 12, 11, 10--

CAT: stop counting

RUE: sorry

CAT: anyway i have the perfect costume

_she runs out and comes back in wearing a giant door costume_

RUE: how did you become so flat

CAT: i removed my organs

RUE: oh no

RUE: don't do that

CAT: it's for halloween my spoopy best friend

RUE: you're gonna die

CAT: i'm here for a good time not for a long time

CAT: also i die every episode there is no difference

RUE: true

RUE: but still

RUE: please don't die it's lonely

_rue pauses_

RUE: uh cat

CAT: yeah

RUE: you're bleeding

RUE: like a lot

CAT: oh i didn't notice

RUE: did you not

RUE: sew your body back together when you took your organs out?

CAT: uhhh

CAT: well i'm afraid of needles so

CAT: ...no?

RUE: how did you even open up your bODY then

CAT: i just asked the writers

RUE: YOU ARE A WRITER

CAT: well i just said "hey take out my organs" and they were like "k" and now my organs left

RUE: you need to sew your body back up before we go to this party

CAT: nah i'll just be a bloody door at a murder scene

CAT: anyway what are you gonna be for the party it is in thirty minutes

RUE: we spent three hours discussing this?????

RUE: ah fuck whatever

_rue runs out and comes back in a fish costume_

RUE: i am a humuhumunukunukuapua'a

CAT: did you have to grow gills

RUE: no cat

RUE: not all costumes require intense body modifications like yours

CAT: well at least im getting into character

RUE: there is a thing called special effects makeup

CAT: not when it's on your body

RUE:

RUE: why am i friends with you do you not have common sense

CAT: not really no

CAT: neither do you

RUE: that's fair

RUE: by the way, do you think i should hang up that super heavy oil painting we just had done of us up with thumbtacks, or like, nails

CAT: well it depends

CAT: do you mean human nails or like nails for hammering

RUE: what's the difference

CAT: and also you should probably use screws and not nails

CAT: wait go back

RUE: go back to what

CAT: go back

_rue, confused, backs out of the room_

CAT: not like that you crusty old man get back in here

_rue, still confused, walks back into the room_

RUE: i am neither crusty, old, or a man

CAT: nah you're still old

RUE: what the fuck dude im literally almost a year older than you

CAT: youre so old you're almost fourteen

RUE: i will be fourteen in like eight days and that doesnt make me necessarily older than you it doesnt change my birthday

CAT: too bad you'll always be very old to me

_rue suddenly shrivels into an old woman_

RUE: what the fuck

CAT: whatever

CAT: anyways can you hang up the painting of us in the living room so it's the first thing people see when we walk in

RUE: i am now an old shriveled woman i can't hang up shit

CAT: see i told you you were old

RUE: fuck and my birth is soon 

CAT: wait what

RUE: sorry i forgot the word day

RUE: im not being born soon

RUE: i dont think

RUE: unless i die as this super old woman and get brought back to life

CAT: oh

RUE: well

RUE: you'll always be a baby to me

_cat suddenly turns into a baby_

CAT: fuck i really am the chinababy now

RUE: lol

CAT: did

CAT: did you just say lol out loud

RUE: lmao

CAT: are you good

RUE: no i think im getting the cringe disease

CAT: oh 

CAT: oh no

RUE: XD

RUE: oh god please help me

_rue vibrates_

RUE: XD XD XD UWU

CAT: oh no

_rue falls to the floor, gargling_

CAT: whatever shall i do

_rue is clearly calling for help_

CAT: well she doesnt seem to be calling for help so i guess i will just leave to go to this mad wild halloween party

_cat leaves to go to the mad wild halloween party_

RUE (mentally): well fuck you

_rue writhes on the ground, occasionally shouting things such as "#imsobrave" and "lololol"_

* * *

_meanwhile, at the party_

CAT: this party is lame

CAT: where's rue

CAT: 

CAT: oh right

CAT: i should probably check on her

_cat runs back to the house_

* * *

RUE: lmao sex right?

CAT: what

CAT: what does that even mean

RUE: fUCKING hELP mE

CAT: okay okay

RUE: well dont just stand there

CAT: how do i help you

RUE: gET A fUCKiNG doCTOr

CAT: that requires calling someone and i cant do that

RUE: WHY NOT

CAT: you dont have to shout

CAT: i threw my phone into a river

RUE: wHY WOULD YOU

RUE: WHY

CAT: maybe next time dont get the cringe disease like a fucking hamster

_rue stops writhing_

RUE: hamster?

CAT: yes

CAT: no

CAT: i dont know

CAT: whats an animal that gets the cringe disease

RUE: humans?

RUE: we are the only cringy ones?

CAT: oh right

CAT: hahahaa

CAT: oh no i think youre giving it to me bye

RUE: wait no-

_cat runs away_

RUE: asshat

* * *

_cat runs back to the party_

CAT: oh wait i left because this party was boring without rue now i gotta go back and get her

_cat runs back_

RUE: are you here to help me yet

CAT: not yet im taking you to a party

RUE: the one i told you about

CAT: yes that one

RUE: please take me to the hospital

CAT: you're fine

RUE: uwuuwuwuwuwwuwuuwuwuwu

CAT: wow

RUE: see i am not fine

CAT: okay whatever we shall go to the hospital

RUE: finally thank god

CAT: actually arent you a witch can't you just magic it away

RUE: oh yeah

_rue concentrates very hard_

RUE: i am cured

CAT: jesus that was so much easier than you made it out to be

RUE: it takes a lot of concentrating

RUE: now let's go to that party

CAT: yes

* * *

_party party time_

RUE: the music taste here sucks why did we come here

CAT: i don't know but i don't like this

_they stand there awkwardly as everyone around them raves, dressed as a fish and a door_

RUE: do you wanna trick or treat

CAT: yeah

_they run off_

CAT: what if we just stole a bunch of candy

RUE: i hate candy

CAT: okay

RUE: do you wanna go home

CAT: kinda

RUE: okay cool

RUE: can we watch horror movies

CAT: i'm afraid of horror movies

RUE: you watch buzzfeed unsolved literally every day and give yourself nightmares

CAT: yeah but buzzfeed unsolved has shane madej and ryan bergara to make jokes 

RUE: but what if

RUE: we are the jokes 

CAT:

CAT: ouch

RUE: so can we

CAT: can we do what

RUE: oh my god what was the point of this whole episode

CAT: i dunno it kinda didn't a point like this whole show

RUE: so what do we do now

CAT: what do you wanna do

RUE: 

RUE:

RUE:

RUE: you know what im going to sleep

_credits roll_

CAT: wait but we should watch buzzfeed unsolved

CAT: or murder me so i can get on it

RUE: jUsT bEcAUsE iT iS sPooKy TimEs dOESnt mEaN thERe alWAys nEEds tO bE a mUrDER cATHERInE


	12. rue's birthday (not canon)

CAT: ruey

CAT: ruey

CAT: ruey tooty point and shooty

RUE: what

CAT: guess what day it is

RUE: saturday?

CAT: no

CAT: it's a sunday

CAT: and also it's your birthday

RUE: shit

RUE: does this mean i have to see my family

CAT: i dunno do they exist in this universe

RUE: i think so 

RUE: i dunno why they dont live with us though

CAT: cause we're adults

CAT: remember

RUE: no

CAT: you dipshit

RUE: why are you always so rude to me

CAT: cause i can do whatever i want and you'll still love me

RUE: not true but okay

RUE: there are a lot of things you could do that i would hate you for

RUE: like being a prolifer

CAT: well they're all idiots so if i become a prolifer please hate me forever

RUE: i most definitely will

CAT: good job

CAT: i don't want to become a turn off

RUE: a what

CAT: what

RUE: no sex cat

CAT: a non sexual turn off rue i'm fucking twelve

RUE: oh

RUE: well today i am fourteen so guess what i'm now two years older

CAT: no because next episode itll be MY birthday and i'll be thirteen

CAT: also i don't think that's how math works

RUE: says who

CAT: says the dude who created math

RUE: why do you assume it was a dude

CAT: because only a straight white man could make up something as boring as math

RUE: i

RUE: i like math

CAT: what the fuck is wrong with you

RUE: i also hate a very massive list of popular foods

RUE: i hate marshmallows, mac and cheese, cheese burgers, really anything with cow meat because cows are cute, bacon, pasta, candy, hot dogs-

CAT: what _do_ you eat

CAT: you're like fritata and his allergy to everything

RUE: untrue this is just stuff i dont like

CAT: how do you not like pasta or mac n cheese

CAT: or beef

CAT: dont you like bolognese sauce???

RUE: it has cow in it and cows are too cute to eat

CAT: well fuck rue i think some humans are cute but that doesnt mean i wont eat them

RUE: excuse me WHAT

RUE: also just so you know ive never had bolognese sauce

CAT: 

CAT: 

CAT:

RUE: are you okay

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT: no

RUE: sorry

CAT: BOLOGNESE SAUCE IS THE BEST SPAGHETTI SAUCE IN THE WORLD

CAT: I WILL SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT

_she grabs a spoonful of bolognese sauce from out of thin air and forces it into rue's mouth_

CAT: _**EEEEEEEEEEEAT**_

RUE: mmph mpph

CAT: ARE YOU EATING IT YET

_rue nods_

CAT: GOOD

RUE: mmph mmph mmph mmph

CAT: YOU HAVE TO EAT THE SPOON TOO

_rue swallows the whole thing, spoon and all_

CAT: woah i didn't think you'd actually do it

RUE: you're really scary sometimes

CAT: i think thats the first time youve ever said that

RUE: i know but it's true

CAT: i take my sauce seriously

RUE: it wasn't that good

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

RUE: please say something

CAT:

RUE: please don't tell me you're gonna die

_cat dies_

RUE: for fucks sake and on my birthday too

RUE: jesus christ i don't want to put up with this shit

_cat_

RUE: sigh

RUE: well i guess i'll go on an adventure and find a friend i'll keep for this one episode and then forget about for the rest of the time 

_she walks away_

_cat's body floats into the air and cat comes back to life_

CAT: wait no

RUE: wait yes ive already made up my mind

CAT: damn you and your fast brain that's like a scrambled egg

RUE: why do you forget 80% of what i say and retain the stupidest phrases i could ever make up

CAT: why did you forget who i was for eight minutes once

RUE: you know my memory is shit

CAT: i didn't know it was _that_ shitty

RUE: *points at her* shitty titty

CAT: *points back* you shit out tits

RUE: how did you know

RUE: wait didn't we have this exact convo on omegle

CAT: oh my god the quotev omegle trend that went on for like a day

CAT: still can't believe we found each other on there

RUE: i know right

RUE: why was that a trend

CAT: i really dont know there have been a lot of trends

RUE: sometimes im sad that i left quotev i learned everything i knew about current events on there

CAT: yes the internet teaches you a lot

CAT: you could come back you know

CAT: its lonely without you

CAT: your account is so empty and sad

RUE: is it

CAT: yes

CAT: very

CAT: it is lonely

RUE: yes you already said that 

RUE: are you trying to tell me you want me to come back

CAT: yes obviously

RUE: okay okay whatever

_rue pulls out her phone and stares at it for about an hour_

CAT: are you done yet

RUE: yes i have now changed my entire identity no one will ever know who i am

CAT: wow

RUE: yeah it took forever for me to delete all my activity and do my profile

CAT: did i just watch you do that for an hour

RUE: idk i wasn't really looking at you

CAT: i think i did

RUE: wow thats dedication

CAT: ikr

RUE: so

CAT: oh my god

RUE: what

CAT: you're gonna be 15 next year

RUE: yes thats true

CAT: oh my god you are so old

RUE: we have gone over this catherine i am literally not that older than you

CAT: you're so elderly oh my gourd

RUE: no i am NOT

CAT: thats exactly what an old person would say

RUE: n

RUE: no???

CAT: yes thats what my grandma always says when someone says shes old

RUE: most people do

CAT: not me

RUE: no one has ever called you old

CAT: when i am called old i rise into the air and shout "BOW BEFORE YOUR OVERTEEN"

RUE: huh

RUE: overteen

RUE: cat youre old

CAT: oh no

CAT: i can feel a change coming over me

RUE: why are you saying this out loud

CAT: oh no it's starting

RUE: what is

_cat starts floating in the air_

RUE: oh yeah right that

CAT: we literally were just talking about this

RUE: i know

RUE: but you know my brain is only like three seconds long

CAT: that made sense but yet it also did not

RUE: i know what if this whole episode is just a fever dream

CAT: it's not it really is your birthday

CAT: by the way what do you want for your birthday

RUE: i dont know i dont want cottage cheese

CAT: why would i give you cottage cheese

RUE: i dunno

CAT: i have better taste in gifts

CAT: besides cottage cheese tastes like shit

_cat summons a block of colby jack cheese_

CAT: here is what you would get if i gave you cheese for your birthday

CAT: but i'm not going to

RUE: who the fuck likes colby jack cheese it tastes like sweat and sweatshirts

CAT: the real question is why do you know what that tastes like

RUE: im really not sure

RUE: maybe im confusing the taste of my tears with sweat

CAT: jesus

RUE: yeah i'm not okay

CAT: well you're wrong colby jack is jesus supreme cheese

RUE: what does that even mean

CAT: not sure but i'm trying to convey that it is good cheese

RUE: it isn't

CAT: it is so

CAT: also asiago bagels SUCK

_rue gasps and falls backwards_

RUE: no

RUE: we cant be friends

RUE: we're too different

CAT: wait no 

RUE: wait yes we can not

CAT: no no no it is your birthday

RUE: what does that have to do

CAT: we have to be friends on your birthday

CAT: after your birthday you can end all the friendships you want to

RUE: my birthday ends in two hours

RUE: we wasted the entire day doing literally nothing

CAT: well

CAT: guess we gotta make this the best 24 hours of your life

* * *

_they stand in front of a bakery_

RUE: so have we established what we're gonna do exactly

CAT: maybe we're gonna go into the bakery

RUE: right okay

_rue opens the door to the bakery_

RUE: woah this is crazy this bakery looks like the one i used to go to with my dad

CAT: wait really 

RUE: yeah

_a guy comes out from behind the counter_

RUE: hey thats the dude 

RUE: i forget what his name is 

RUE: but my dad used to read to his kids and so sometimes he gave us free pastries

CAT: luckyyyyy

RUE: im making it seem like my dad is dead

RUE: he isn't by the way he just lives far away

CAT: thanks for clarifying i was worried

RUE: you're welcome

CAT: can i have a donut

RUE: no

CAT: what why

RUE: because eating donuts is a sin

CAT: neither of us believes in god, rue

RUE: i made that up just now and you have to listen to me because i'm older

CAT: fuck you

_cat stuffs all the donuts into her mouth. then she explodes_

RUE: oH FUCK

RUE: well i wasnt aware that was going to happen are you ok

CAT: well im a little broken but itll be ok

RUE: well at least youre not dead

RUE: again

_flashback to eight days ago when cat died as a door_

RUE: you took forever to come back

CAT: i was gone for three minutes

RUE: it doesnt matter

CAT: does anything matter

RUE:

RUE: that

RUE: is not deep at all why did i pause for that

CAT: cause you love me and think everything i say is valid and important 

RUE: well

RUE: no

RUE: you're kinda dumb actually 

CAT: oh

CAT: i see

_beat_

RUE: dont take it personally 

CAT: i didnt

NARRATOR: she did

CAT: 

CAT:

CAT:

CAT: anyways get your dessert

RUE: id rather not when you exploded and suddenly appeared behind me you got your insides all over everything

CAT: i am delicious excuse me

RUE: id rather not eat you i am a child

CAT: i'm a child too

RUE: yeah but i'm an older child

CAT: so

RUE: so children don't eat other children

CAT: why would you mention your age then

RUE: i didn't i just said i was older

CAT: thats making you seem like you're 84

RUE: how what

CAT: i dont know you just a _re_ okay god what are you my mom

RUE: 

RUE: cat are you okay are you going through preteen angst

CAT: 

CAT: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RUE: you are

CAT: fine i am

CAT: also i feel like everything is attractive right now

CAT: i thought snufkin from moomin was cute for a hot minute

CAT: whats happening to me

RUE: i dont know who that is hold on

_she pulls out her phone and looks it up_

RUE: okay

RUE: i can kind of see

RUE: it's like the same thing as me finding the man with the pumpkin head attractive in a weird way

CAT: yeah

RUE: anyways

CAT: yeah

RUE: i didnt realize it but the sun is like gone so

CAT: wait really

RUE: yeah it's getting late it's like 5:00 

CAT: holy shit what a late time

RUE: i guess we should go to sleep

CAT: no i am sheep

RUE: what

CAT: candle surprise

_she pulls a lit candle out of her nose. it's a very long and uncomfortable pause_

RUE: what the fu-

CAT: CANDLE SURPRISE

_she flings the candle at rue_

CAT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD PUMPKIN MUFFIN


	13. cat's birthday (not canon)

_rue runs into cat's room and starts shrieking_

RUE: _**HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR FUCKFACE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU**_

CAT: rue it is 2 am

RUE: 

RUE: okay well you've been waking me up for the past two episodes so now it is my turn

CAT: well i was waking you up at a reasonable time

RUE: no you werent

RUE: im nocturnal

CAT: but ive seen you be awake during the day

RUE: thats my equivelant of pulling an all nighter

CAT: jesus you pull a lot of all nighters

RUE: i know

RUE: so what are we gonna do for your birthday

CAT: i mean

CAT: i was gonna--

RUE: terrible idea. you know what we're gonna do? we're gonna go to a big fancy restaurant and we're gonna eat food without paying for it

CAT: but--

RUE: no

CAT: i--

RUE: stop interrupting me goddammit cat i'm trying to help you celebrate your sweet thirteenth

RUE: you're four years from being the dancing queen

CAT: i-

RUE: cat please stop talking i never get to plan parties for anyone

CAT: this isn't a party it's just theft

RUE: ok well i have a problem

CAT:

CAT: are you okay though

RUE: maybe

RUE: you've known me like for a year right

CAT: maybe

RUE: when have i ever been okay

CAT: you seemed cool at the beginning

RUE: and then you realized

CAT: that you're weird but in a good way

RUE: i see

_rue purses her lips, deep in thought_

RUE: i got it

RUE: we are gonna take you to the club for your birthday

CAT: but i'm not twenty one yet i wouldn't even be allowed in

RUE: no i have a plan

RUE: listen up

* * *

_fast forward to that night. rue has invited cat's friends to the club for her birthday party. they all walk up to the club with a bit of stuffing in their bras. a few of them are wearing really high shoes_

RUE: alright so cat is short but that's okay some adults are and as long as you look adulty enough you'll be allowed in

RUE: cat's friend--

CAT'S FRIEND: why am i wearing these stupid big boots

RUE: because i said so we can't have a ton of short adults

CAT'S FRIEND: also my name is not "cat's friend" it's silvia

RUE: silvia you're already an adult just not legal enough to go into a bar

_the camera pans to the rest of cat's friends. it turns out it's just the barbecue cast minus barbecue_

JIMOTHY: we didn't have to wear these because we're actually tall enough to be adults you know

RUE: well yes but i also stuffed my bra and my boobs were already big enough because of genetics so nothing makes sense

RUE: cat when you said you had other friends i didn't think you meant that we both created said friends and that said friends were all young adults

CAT: well

CAT: uh

CAT: so

CAT: i don't actually have many other friends

CAT: i have two irls who can't come

CAT: some of my online friends are also young adults but i don't think we're at that level where i can ask them to sneak me into a club

CAT: so i just 

CAT: brought these guys

JESSICA: what, you brought us as a last resort

SILVIA: not cool

JIMOTHY: very not cool

JESSICA: at least we can get hammered

RUE: alright hoes let's get into this bitch

_they walk up to the bouncer_

RUE: hello there are 

_she counts the group_

RUE: nine of us

RUE: and we are all of age

BOUNCER: what about that one

_he points at cat_

RUE: she's just short

CAT: how dare you it is a genetic thing

BOUNCER: hm

BOUNCER: wait is that jessica candie from barbecue the priorities dinosaur

JESSICA: god move on that was so long ago

RUE: yeah how are you still alive that show was from like eighty years ago

RUE: because it's 2099

CAT: i revived them all

CAT: they are just figments of our imaginations and all

RUE: thats true

CAT: anyway can we please go on

BOUNCER: yeah sure whatever

BOUNCER: i don't get paid enough to filter out children in disguise

CAT: we're not children in disguise but thank you

_the group goes inside the bar. there is a big banner that says "happy birthday cat"_

CAT: woah you got the bar to put this up for me

RUE: what no

RUE: i didn't

_she turns to jessica, cheryl, silvia, jimothy, adam, chris, and alexi_

RUE: did any of you

JESSICA: no

CHERYL: no

SILVIA: no

JIMOTHY: no

ADAM: no

CHRIS: no

ALEXI: hell no

RUE: then what is this banner

_the bartender leans in with his long neck_

BARTENDER: the bar owner's name is cat and it's her birthday

CAT: oh

_cat starts to cry_

BARTENDER: woah what the fuck im not equipped for this

RUE: have you never seen a birthday bitch cry

BARTENDER: no

BARTENDER: i dont think anyone has ever referred to anyone as a birthday bitch either

RUE: bartender give me a wine

BARTENDER: no you look like you're eighteen how did you even get in here

RUE: well haha im thirteen so suck on that

_cat stops crying_

CAT: dont reveal your age you idiot

RUE: actually im not sure if thats a compliment or an insult

BARTENDER: and also my name isn't bartender it's actually bart ender

CAT: what

BART ENDER: yes i end all barts

ALEXI: what's a bart

BART ENDER: a brick wielder

ALEXI: shit

_bart ender breaks a glass bottle and holds it oIut like a sword_

BART ENDER: time to die, underage biotches

RUE: but isn't it your fault that you let us in

RUE: also this is a bar not a club children are allowed 

BART: are you sure

RUE: very 

RUE: ive been to many bars because my mother likes to drink and my father makes beer as a side living

BART: oh

BART: i don't like kids though

RUE: well thats good to know

RUE: but we dont have kids with us

BART: you ARE the kids and im arresting you all because i dont like you

CAT: wait but we have adults with us

BART: eat shit adults

_he whacks them with a broom. they all just stare_

BART: well shit

BART: i hate adults

RUE: same dude thats a mood

BART: does this mean i hate everyone

RUE: why are you a bartender

BART: im not i told you

RUE: oh

RUE: youre one of those "my name is my profession" type of people

BART: obviously

RUE: ew

BART: dont be racist

RUE: youre not a race

RUE: you're literally a group of weirdos

BART: wasn't your friend one of us

RUE: what

CAT: uh

CAT: well

CAT: i was undercover back then

RUE: huh

CAT: yeah i dressed up as a ninja named ninja to scare fritata during the purge

RUE: huh

RUE: why do i not remember this

CAT: i think you fell asleep in the park and someone hit you with a piece of clay

RUE: why

CAT: it was the purge

RUE: did 

RUE: catherine did you hit me with a piece of clay

CAT:

RUE: catherine

RUE: did you

RUE: hit me

RUE: with a

RUE: piece of

RUE: clay

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT:

CAT: no

RUE: are you sure

CAT:

CAT: no

RUE: wait did you say i fell asleep in the park

CAT: i did indeed make that sound come from my face hole

RUE: which face hole im confused

_cat flares her nostril and begins to speak_

CAT: these two

RUE: okay what the fuck 

RUE: have you not been speaking from your mouth this whole time???

CAT: that's for food

CAT: not for speaking

RUE: im very sure it is for speaking too

CAT: 

CAT: i mostly use it for eating 

RUE: ok but it was created to have different purposes cat

RUE: i use my legs for walking and i use them to be cut off and then swung at people so i am technically hitting and kicking them

CAT: uh

CAT: what

RUE: i said nothing

CAT: 

CAT: are you okay at home

RUE: i live with you dont you know

CAT: not really whenever we arent on this show we dont actually talk face to face very often

RUE: yeah ive been meaning to talk to you about that

RUE: the other day you were laying on my floor and you texted me

CAT: you were so far

RUE: you were right next to my foot

CAT: exactly

CAT: too far

_rue sighs_

RUE: you are so unreasonable

CAT: i know i am

CAT: it is just part of meeeeeeeee

_she rolls across the floor and wiggles her feet in the air_

RUE: why are you like this youre like a cockroach

CAT: what?

CAT: im not a roach cock

RUE: sorry what

CAT: roach cock

RUE: never say those words every again you hear me

RUE: you're too young and innocent for those words

CAT: but how do i crow like a rooster then

RUE: rooster sound a doodle doo

_beat_

CAT: **_ROOSTER SOUND A DOODLE DO_**

_suddenly roosters across the country are screeching "rooster sound a doodle doo." it is a global thing now. news reporters are reporting it. they are interviewing roosters. cat is famous_

CAT: wow im famous now thanks rue

RUE: what the fuck just happened it's been like five seconds

CAT: a lot can happen in five seconds

RUE: not this 

CAT: well im a special kitty

RUE: please stop talking

CAT: heheh

RUE: no not hehe

CAT: I AM A SPECIAL KITTY

RUE: stop

_cat rises into the air, her eyes glowing_

CAT: _**I AM A SPECIAL KITTY**_

RUE: what the actual fuck is going on here 

RUE: this was supposed to be about your birthday

CAT: _**SPECIAL KITTIES DONT NEED BIRTHDAYS**_

RUE: well ok asshole

RUE: please stop saying special kitty you know kitty is another word for vag right

CAT: wait really

RUE: yeah

RUE: have you never heard someone say that in a cardi b song

CAT: i dont listen to cardi b

CAT: and what if i am a special vagina

RUE: no

_cat rises into the air again, her eyes glowing_

CAT: **_I AM A SPECIAL VAGINA_**

RUE: STOP

CAT: **_BUT I AM_**

_rue grabs cat by the leg, flinging her into the ground_

RUE: WHERE DID EVERYONE IN THIS BAR GO

CAT: I DONT KNOW I THOUGHT IT WAS A CLUB

RUE: IM NOT SURE ANYMORE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE

CAT: WHY ARE WE SCREAMING

RUE: I DONT KNOW

CAT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

_cat picks up rue and flings her around in the air faster and faster until she suddenly lets go and flings rue out through a window into a building fifty miles away_

CAT: i'm so goddamn strong

* * *

_fifty miles away_

RUE: what the FUCK just happened  
  


* * *

CAT (whispering): wait rue come back i need you its my birthday and as the birthday bitch i say you must come back

CAT: rue

CAT: rue

CAT: rue

CAT: rUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

_she takes a deep breath and then glitter falls out of her mouth_

CAT: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

CAT: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CAT: fine have it your way

_cat picks herself up and throws herself fifty miles away and lands next to rue_

RUE: cat literally what the fuck is this what teen angst is

CAT: you should know

CAT: you're a teen

_she throws herself fifty more miles away_

_credits roll_

RUE: oh my fucking god are you ok


	14. cat finds a bird and rue goes to the underworld and the afterlife (season premiere)

NARRATOR: so 

NARRATOR: where did we leave off at?

_flashback begins_

_an axe falls on rues head, cat is screaming_

_flashback ends_

NARRATOR: oh damn that's dark

NARRATOR: well

NARRATOR: im gonna skip ahead past all the grieving because both of them are very ugly criers

NARRATOR: so let's pick up about ten months later

CAT: ...and that's why i will never lick a hair straightener again

_the camera cuts to a woman with bright green hair staring at her_

WOMAN: why are you talking to me i just wanted to scan your groceries

CAT: i don't know my best friend died and she hasn't come back like she usually does and now i need someone i am alone

WOMAN: okay

WOMAN: well your total is 69.69

_cat makes a suggestive face at the camera, then turns back to the woman_

CAT: that is surprisingly cheap for groceries

WOMAN: in this fictional world capitalism is dead

CAT: oh really?

CAT: wow cool

WOMAN: just as dead as your best friend

_cat starts crying all over her groceries_

WOMAN: next please

_she pushes cat and her groceries out of the way. cat's eggs all shatter on the floor_

WOMAN: you're cleaning that up

_cat is now crying on the floor surrounded by egg yolks_

CAT: dont you have

CAT: like-like a janitor here

WOMAN: not really this store is very cheap

CAT: well yes we've established that

WOMAN: so you're cleaning that up 

WOMAN: they were your eggs

CAT: but you pushed me

WOMAN: still your eggs

WOMAN: now clean up before i call the manager on you

_cat picks up an egg yolk and throws it at the woman, then runs out of the store_

CAT: looks like i'm a fugitive

CAT: gotta prepare for my life of crime now

_a small circular bird rolls in front of her_

BIRD: i dont think youre a fugitive

CAT: yeah i am egg throwing is a capital offense

BIRD: when did they make that a thing

CAT: i dunno right now

BIRD: what

CAT: i created this world i make the rules

BIRD: why would you want to be a fugitive

CAT: well it makes for good drama

BIRD: hm

BIRD: you have a point

* * *

_rue wakes up_

RUE: woah where am i

_a woman walks over to her and helps her stand_

WOMAN: hello rue i am the guard to the afterlife

WOMAN: you're in the underworld right now, but if you want to come with me you'll have to pass a few tests

RUE: uh

RUE: well if afterlife means i'm not in pain or whatever then i'm in

WOMAN: follow me

RUE: wait so when you say the afterlife do you mean the underworld or the afterlife

WOMAN: what's the difference

RUE: well one is for egyptians, and one is for greeks

RUE: well, i guess both are for me because i believe in both of those things

WOMAN: which one do you want

RUE: which one is better

WOMAN: i don't know i cater to everyone's beliefs 

WOMAN: pick one

RUE: you can't tell me to "pick one" 

WOMAN: i can say what the fuck i want to say you idiot

RUE: jesus christ

WOMAN: oh are you christian?

RUE: no

RUE: i am not

RUE: didn't i JUST tell you what i believe in

WOMAN: just making sure

* * *

_cat is now living inside a hollow tree with this bird_

CAT: so

CAT: what's your name, mysterious bird

BIRD: do i have to have a name you cishet twat

CAT: jesus what

CAT: did you just call me a cishettie

BIRD: is that the thing that you're most worried about

CAT: a little

_cat starts crying_

BIRD: wh

BIRD: why are you crying

CAT: i'm just really emotional these days

CAT: my best friend died ten months ago and i'm not over it

BIRD: bitch it has been ten months

CAT: fuck you grief has no timetables

BIRD: sorry i'm just not good at dealing with this kind of thing

BIRD: i pushed my son out of the nest too early and he died and ever since i have had no emotions

CAT: wow thats a dark backstory

CAT: i'm sorry abt the accident that killed your son

BIRD: it wasn't an accident

CAT: what

BIRD: what

CAT:

BIRD:

CAT:

BIRD:

CAT:

BIRD:

CAT: oooookay

CAT: well now that i am living in this hollow tree with you, what should i do

BIRD: die life in trees are alive

CAT: what did that even mean

BIRD: im not sure i think i had a small stroke

CAT: is there a bird hospital for you to go to

BIRD: no

BIRD: us birds are tough as jello

CAT: is jello that tough though

BIRD: it's resilient 

BIRD: us birds may wobble a lot and are fragile but we are resilient

CAT: it's also very edible

BIRD: everything is edible you little shit

CAT: i mean

CAT: you can't eat the idea of hydrogen peroxide

CAT: thats what rue used to say to me

CAT:

_cat starts crying again_

BIRD: fuck why

BIRD: how do you deal with kids crying

CAT: i dont know

CAT: so whats your name

BIRD: koraki

CAT: what the fuck kind of name is that

BIRD: your name cat

CAT: it's short for catherine fuckwad

BIRD: well mine is greek for raven

CAT: thats stupid

CAT: thats like naming me human

BIRD: weren't you a ninja named ninja once?

_flashback crossover_

_cat jumps out of the bushes and scares fritata_

FRITATA: wHO THE FUCK

CAT: im ninja

_flashback crossover ends_

CAT: oh yeah i forgot about that

KORAKI: you dumbass

_cat cries_

CAT: rue always called me a dumbass

KORAKI: do you cry on everyone you meet 

KORAKI: jesus christ 

CAT: im sorry

CAT: i just need to process things deeply

KORAKI: i dont have time for deep thoughts i want to continue my life of thievery

CAT: can i go with you

KORAKI: only if you promise to be quiet

CAT: k

CAT: define quiet please

KORAKI: dont open your mouth ever

CAT: kk

_cat starts humming loudly to the tune of ghost by halsey_

KORAKI: oh my god shut the fuck up

CAT: what i didn't open my mouth

KORAKI: firstly, you just did

KORAKI: secondly, quiet means making no sound at all

CAT: oh i see

CAT: got it

_koraki and cat are able to sneak into a bank with no interruption. then, just as koraki opens the door to the vault full of gold n shit, cat shrieks like a wild monkey and the alarm goes off_

KORAKI: 

KORAKI: _**WHY WOULD YOU DO THat**_

CAT: i needed a good shriek

KORAKI: you know what 

KORAKI: i guess there are some upsides to being a bird now

KORAKI: i can fly away from your dumbass

CAT: wait no

* * *

WOMAN: so

WOMAN: while we go to the afterlife

WOMAN: tell me about yourself

RUE: do i have to

WOMAN: yes

_rue groans and leans back so far she does a somersault_

RUE: fine

RUE: what to say about me

RUE: uh i make comics

RUE: well

RUE: i did

RUE: before i died

RUE: i was also a singer

RUE: and i was an actress

WOMAN: okay cool

RUE: so whats gonna happen

WOMAN: well we gotta come up with some stuff for you to do

RUE: havent you had like years to do that

RUE: it's 2099

WOMAN: yeah well

WOMAN: we're kinda lazy so

RUE: well get off your asses and find out what youre gonna do with me

WOMAN: that takes a long time to figure out

WOMAN: we need to know all of your previous occupations

RUE: i told you i draw comics and i sing and act

WOMAN: hm

_they wait there for eight billion minutes_

WOMAN: i have an idea for you

RUE: what is it

WOMAN: jazzercise

RUE: what

WOMAN: i dont know

RUE: what the fuck have you been doing all this time

WOMAN: i was drawing a picture of a sexy lion stop attacking meeee

RUE: wHAT

WOMAN: what dont kinkshame me

RUE: oh god are you a furry

_the woman dances erratically_

WOMAN: lizards are hecking cool

RUE: literally get me out of here please

RUE: i want to be alive again

WOMAN: nope sorry you have to stay here

WOMAN: anyways you gotta do some work now that you're in the afterlife

RUE: i KNOW that's what we were TALKING ABOUT but your DUMB BITCH ASS decided to DANCE like a BITCH

_beat_

WOMAN: such strong language

RUE: well you're being a dumbass bitch

WOMAN: arent you like twelve

RUE: im actually 14

WOMAN: same age

RUE: it really isnt

WOMAN: whatever

RUE: what are you 

RUE: 69

WOMAN: yes actually

WOMAN: my wife is 420

RUE: oh my god you're both memes

RUE: i hate it here let me out

WOMAN: sorry youre dead we cant do that

RUE: well you obviously dont know what the fuck youre doing

WOMAN: you arent wrong there

RUE: so could you like hurry up and figure something out

WOMAN: okay

WOMAN: polish my cookie

RUE: sorry what

_she pulls out a chocolate chip cookie_

RUE: oh thank god

RUE: i thought you meant something else

WOMAN: we dont make sexual euphemisms in this place

_rue stops polishing the cookie_

RUE: what

WOMAN: we dont make sexual euphemisms in this place

RUE: but

RUE: but that's the plot of our shows though

WOMAN: oh my god but youre a child

RUE: i know this is what happens when a child under the age of 16 uses the internet

RUE: you get this

_she motions to herself_

WOMAN: why are you wearing like eight layers of clothing

RUE: because im from the south

RUE: im used to extreme heat

WOMAN: but it's 180 degrees here

RUE: my summers were spent in a leather coat in a hot car in 90 degrees weather because i didnt want to go into the store and i was going through puberty and was embarrassed that i had boobs and so i hid them in a jacket

WOMAN: what the

RUE: cat doesnt get it either

RUE: she grew up in northern california it's chilly there but she wears tshirts and shorts anyway

WOMAN: ive never met this cat but it sounds very strange

WOMAN: anyway i've figured out your job so just enter through those gates and do your thing

RUE: well ok

_rue enters through the gates. she can see through the gates but somehow she didn't see that this place is entirely different to the place she was just in_

RUE: wait what

RUE: how am i in china

WOMAN: goodbye

_the gates shut_

* * *

CAT: so you were supposed to be married to a witch but on your wedding day she turned into a bird?

KORAKI: yes

KORAKI: and ever since i've watched her slowly pine for a goat man

CAT: ah goatman

KORAKI: no he's a satyr

CAT: woah wait i think i know who you're talking about

CAT: does he go by the name

CAT: acrylic paint

KORAKI:

KORAKI: close but no

CAT: what is it then

KORAKI: this is really uncomfortable to talk about

CAT: i dont care tell me

KORAKI: well

KORAKI: i dont know you

KORAKI: so please shut up

CAT: you invited me to live in this tree with you

KORAKI: i didnt invite you to talk my fucking ear off either

CAT: BLAABALABLAABLAA

_koraki slaps her_

CAT: OW FUCK

KORAKI: STOP SHOUTING

CAT: YOU KNOW YOU USED TO BE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER

KORAKI: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

CAT: I DONT KNOW

CAT: WASTELAND????

CAT: RING ANY BELLS

_koraki stops to grab a silver bell and start ringing it_

CAT: i didnt mean literally

KORAKI: what did you mean

CAT: "ring any bells" means "do you recognize this"

KORAKI: oh

KORAKI: no i don't

CAT: oh no did lilith wipe your memory

CAT: that seems like something she'd do

KORAKI: wHO?

CAT: oh no you cant even remember her thats too bad you two were nice friends

KORAKI: the name lilith is not real to me

CAT: how can the name not be real

KORAKI: i've never met someone named lilith

CAT: well

CAT: you're a bitch aren't ya

* * *

_rue is in the underworld_

RUE: it's chilly in the underworld

NARRATOR: it's literally 70 degrees 

RUE: damn chilly

_rue freezes into an ice block_

NARRATOR: well

NARRATOR: guess it was damn chilly

RUE: im from the south

NARRATOR: yes you say that quite a lot

RUE: not really

NARRATOR: you do you just don't realize it

NARRATOR: now you are a southern ice block

RUE: oh great

RUE: i've always wanted to be a southern ice block

NARRATOR: did you really

RUE: it's called sarcasm

NARRATOR: i see

RUE: do you- 

_the narrator knocks rue out and starts running, blasting “welcome to the jungle”_

_the credits rolls_


	15. cat offends a peasant

CAT: i wonder what i should do today

CAT: that bird was very clear that it never wanted to see me again

CAT: perhaps i need a new best friend

_cat goes online and searches up "best friends for hire"_

CAT: hm "rentafriend.com" seems promising

CAT: perhaps there will be a potential best friend for me there

````````

_she clicks on it and a screen pops up._

CAT: hmm

CAT: enter a location where you're looking for a friend

CAT: well that would require me to know where i am

CAT: uh

CAT: im in.... 

CAT: a blank white space

_no results for "a blank white space"_

CAT: fuck where am i right now

_a disembodied voice speaks_

VOICE: _**YOU'RE IN GERMANY**_

CAT: oh i forgot that rue and i lived in germany before she died

CAT: where in germany

VOICE: _**UH**_

VOICE: _**BERLIN**_

CAT: thanks a bunch disembodied voice

VOICE: _**ANYTIME**_

_cat types in "berlin germany"_

CAT: why are only men showing up

CAT: i didn't filter for this shit

CAT: are there only men in germany

_she looks harder_

CAT: apparently so

CAT: hm

CAT: well i guess i will hire one of these men as my rentable friends

* * *

_cat is now sitting in her living room with a man dressed as a peasant from the medieval times_

CAT: so

CAT: your name is rulf

RULF: that's me

_cat sniffles_

RULF: do i smell bad

CAT: no but your name starts with r-u

RULF: ...and

CAT: my dead best friend's name started with r-u

RULF: 

RULF: why did you invite me here you verrückte Schlampe

CAT: oh my god

CAT: i dont know what that means but that sounds like something she would say

CAT, bursting into tears: she spoke so many languagessssss

RULF: i called you a crazy bitch what

CAT: that is something she would say actually

RULF: oh

CAT: she did not speak chin ease though

RULF: speak what

CAT: sorry verbal typo

CAT: i meant chinese

RULF: how do you verbal typo

RULF: also what happened to rue

CAT: she died

RULF: oh

RULF: well

RULF: this is really awkward because i thought she was just leaving you because you seem like a crazy bitch

CAT: well

CAT: that's a bit rude

CAT: rude

CAT: rued

CAT: rue

_cat starts crying again_

RULF: for fuck's sake i'm not coming here to be cried all over 

CAT: i'm so sorry

CAT: here i'll make you something to eat

RULF: perfect. i'll have anything as long as it has no beef. i don't want to eat cows they are cute

_cat starts crying again_

RULF: WHAT IS IT NOW I SWEAR TO GOURD

CAT: SORRY SORRY BUT RUE DIDNT WANT TO EAT COWS BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THEY WERE CUTE

RULF: DID YOU GET ME AS A REPLACEMENT FOR YOUR DEAD FRIEND

CAT: KINDA YEAH

RULF: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING

CAT: BECAUSE I COULD BELIEVE YOU WERE HER IF YOU DIDNT HAVE A PENIS AND ALSO IF YOU WERE A 5'5 WICCAN ABROSEXUAL WITH BIG BROWN EYES AND BRACES THAT YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT A LOT AND-

RULF: please stop listing things

CAT: I CAN DO WHAT I WANT YOU STUPID PEASANT

_rulf gasps and holds a hand to his chest_

RULF: i cannot believeth what thee just hath said to me. didst thee just calleth me a "stupid peasant?" i am deeply offend'd

CAT: why are you talking like that

RULF: at which hour i feeleth emotions very much strongly i switcheth to shakespearean talketh. thee has't offend'd me strongly, which is wherefore i am speaking liketh this

CAT: so many eths

RULF: yeah i know

RULF: it gets really confusing when i talk to my friends, seth and beth

RULF: also whenever we talk about taking our favorite drug, meth

CAT: i

RULF: for example

RULF: seth! beth! t is timeth to cometh to mine own house and taketh assloads of meth liketh the valorous peasants of god we art

CAT: this is horrifying

CAT: but also kind of a whole ass play

CAT: can you put on a play for me please

CAT: it will make me stop crying

RULF: im not sure that's true but,

CAT: tRUE

CAT: rUE

RULF: oh mine own god, prithee kill me

RULF: i literally hate it here can i go

CAT: no i need a friend

RULF: i dont want to be your friend

_cat cries some more_

RULF: 🎶 fuck this shit im out 🎶 

_rulf jumps through the ceiling and leaves, making a huge mess of concrete and wall plaster_

CAT, WHILE CRYING: i think i swallowed some lead paint when he did that

RULF: THEN SHUT YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH WHILE YOU CRY GOOD GOD

CAT: oKAY THANK YOU

_she shuts her mouth while crying until she stops crying_

RULF: ok

RULF: do you want to play monopoly or something

CAT: sure i love money

RULF: it's fake money but okay

_they set up the board together. cat is the banker_

CAT: i am the banker

RULF: yes i know you stupid idiot

RULF: youve told me like seven times in the past three minutes

CAT: well i was just making sure you knew

CAT: rue tended to forget anything every three seconds

RULF: oh god

CAT: what

RULF: i thought you were gonna cry

CAT: no what makes you think that

RULF: because that's basically all you've done this entire episode

_cat throws a piece of cheese at him_

CAT: fuck off

RULF: where did that cheese come from

CAT: i can make cheese magically appear in my hands

RULF: wh

RULF: what

CAT: yeah i can do that it's pretty snazzy

RULF: pretty useless actually

RULF: in what circumstance would that help anyone

CAT: if you were having a cheese party

RULF: is that a thing

CAT: yeah ive seen it in rich people movies

RULF: arent you the richest person in the world

CAT: 

CAT: lmao no what would make you think that

_rulf motions to her table that has several thousands of dollars stuffed inside_

CAT: no thats all monopoly money

RULF: so wait you dont have any money

CAT: no rue had all the money

RULF: did she have a will

CAT: idk maybe

CAT: can minors have wills

RULF: im not sure hold on lemme google it

_he googles it_

RULF: technically no but also youre supposed to be 18 to be able to own property so i think she probably bent the rules a little

CAT: well

CAT: she might be sort of a criminal but she was still pretty great

CAT: yeah she did a little tax evasion every once in a while but who doesnt

RULF: a lot of people

CAT: well

RULF: in fact children should not be left alone without parents where are your parents

CAT: im honestly not sure

CAT: im pretty sure they exist i just dont know where they are

CAT: also i'm an adult

RULF: you keep fluctuating between being an adult and being a child like which one are you

CAT: honestly i don't know myself

CAT: i think in this show i'm supposed to be an adult but the writers are kids and they forget that they are supposed to be adults so they make us kids like them

RULF: hm

RULF: lazy asses

_the writers lean down from the sky_

WRITERS: how fucking dare you

WRITERS: they are cursed with the benjimint button disease

RULF: i dont think thats what it is

WRITERS: shut up we know all

RULF: arent you both children though

WRITERS:

WRITERS: sh we made you and we can take you out of this world like that

RULF: thats spooky

CAT: the writers are very spooky

_cat does a wiggly dance where her arms and legs wiggle violently_

RULF: can we not be friends anymore please

_cat starts to cry and her tears flood the room_

RULF: nO PLEASE ILL TAKE IT BACK

_rulf drowns_

CAT: oH NO

CAT: I DROWNED MY ONLY FRIEND IN THIS HELLSCAPE

CAT: RULLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

_cat pauses_

CAT: **_RUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_**

_the walls in the room start cracking and then the house falls apart, and cat's tears start flooding the streets_

_people outside scream. they all drown in cat's tears until cat is the only one left in the town_

CAT: IVE KILLED EVERYONE OH GOD

CAT: IM A MURDER

CAT: can i like rewind

_she grabs the tv remote and presses the rewind button_

_nothing happens_

CAT: maybe the batteries are dead

_she looks for batteries but there are none_

CAT: i could have sworn there were some here just a few minutes ago

_she goes into the kitchen and throws everything out of its drawer. she finds one battery_

CAT: i need another battery

_she goes into her bedroom and does the same thing. she finds another battery_

CAT: alrighty

_she tries to put them into the remote but they dont fit_

CAT: what the hell these are both different sizes

CAT: but theyre both aaa

CAT: ??????

_she finds another battery on the floor_

CAT: fuck this one is covered in dog hair and glitter

CAT: i cant touch glitter it will never come off

GLITTER: thats where youre wrong

CAT: what the fuck 

GLITTER: dont worry you arent crazy or anything

GLITTER: im not really talking to you

GLITTER: im just a manifestation of you

CAT: oh

GLITTER: so 

GLITTER: youre wrong because youve already looked at me which means i am now ingrained into your blood

CAT: oh no

_the glitter enters her ears and cat dies_

NARRATOR: even when rue isn't here cat dies

NARRATOR: how will we continue the episode

NARRATOR: rue is already journeying through the afterlife we can't have that for both of them it would take too long

NARRATOR: you know what

_the narrator pulls out the script and scribbles out the sentence where it says she dies_

CAT: hi what did i miss

NARRATOR: nothing absolutely nothing everything is totally fine

CAT: i thought that i just died

NARRATOR: nope no you didnt you are as alive as alive can be haha hee hee

CAT: now you speak in rhymes?

CAT: i guess i missed the part where you become dr. seuss

CAT: when i died

NARRATOR: there was never a death whatever could you mean

CAT: im dead inside

CAT: cause im sad

_cat puts on sunglasses and does finger guns_

CAT: lmaoooooo

NARRATOR: im concerned for you

CAT: im a gen z-er its what i do

CAT: so like yeah

NARRATOR: but are you okay do you need professional help

CAT: probably yes but i am not the legal age for therapy yet

NARRATOR: thats bullshit but okay

CAT: i miss rue

NARRATOR: that much is clear

_cat walks over to her shrine of rue in the corner of the room_

NARRATOR: when did that get there

CAT: i made it

NARRATOR: but i swear it wasn't there a minute ago

CAT: it was

CAT: i miss rue so much

NARRATOR: i'm so confused

NARRATOR: how long did it take you to make that rue shrine

CAT: not that long only 3 minutes

NARRATOR: that was fast

NARRATOR: did you put a rat corpse on it

_cat pushes the rat corpse off of the shrine_

CAT: no

NARRATOR: where did you even get that

CAT: no

NARRATOR: that wasn't a yes or no question

CAT: i said no anyway

NARRATOR: i can see that

CAT: good you have eyes

_she pulls out a lazer gun and shoots two holes in the wall_

CAT: now you don't

NARRATOR: im not in the walls you idiot 

CAT: oh

_credits roll_

NARRATOR: im in the floor


	16. the vaguely sexualized bounce house

_rue's attending a birthday party in the afterlife_

RUE: of course

RUE: it had to be a clown birthday party

BAT MICHAEL JACKSON: when has that ever been an occurance

RUE: obviously right now 

_another girl walks up to her_

GIRL: wow rue i'm so glad you could make it! i rented a bounce house for this so if you're down for that go inside

_she points to a bounce house that has a lot of OOOHS and AAAAHS printed on it in big block letters_

RUE: that is vaguely sexual

GIRL: watch this

_the girl stomps her foot and suddenly the roof of the house is shaped like a dick_

RUE: that is VERY sexual

BAT MICHAEL JACKSON: i too am quite unsettled

BAT MICHAEL JACKSON: and i am bat michael jackson

RUE: do i have a choice against going in there i just want to get reborn

GIRL: if you wanna do that you gotta go through the vag machine

RUE: that what now

GIRL: the vag machine

_she points to a bounce house shaped like a vagina_

RUE: sigh

RUE: okay

BAT MICHAEL JACKSON: can i come too

BMJ: i wasn't always a bat i want to go back to being a human

RUE: will you become michael jackson

BMJ: no the name is kinda common i'm just a random dude

RUE: well

RUE: alright lets go

_they climb into the vag bounce house_

RUE: how do we 

RUE: get out

RUE: and get reborn

BMJ: maybe we go down the slide

RUE: is this gonna feel like a real vagina cuz im not down with that

BMJ: i dont know ive never been down a vag slide

RUE: well

RUE: here we go i guess

_she and bmj slide down the vag slide. they end up in a dark cave_

BMJ: is this the toilet

RUE: i don't think so

RUE: we'd see a lot more shit and piss down here

_she turns around just in time to see another person slide down the vag slide, except they fall into a pit of fire and burn to after... death_

BMJ: hold up why didn't that happen to us

RUE: maybe it's every other person

_they watch more people come down, but every time they fall into a pit of fire and die (or after die. they die in the afterlife. whatever)_

BMJ: i'm convinced we were spared for some reason

RUE: maybe because the slide knew we wanted to gtfo of here

BMJ: or maybe it was just a coincedence

RUE: fuck you those dont exist

BMJ: i like this friendship

BMJ: you tell me that im wrong, and use horrible words at me

RUE: everyone knows im an asshole you knew that

BMJ: i really didnt

BMJ: this is how everyone acts to me

BMJ: it's what i consider "nice"

RUE: that is really sad but okay

RUE: now how do we navigate this cave

BMJ: i guess just walk forward

_they walk forward into the cave. when they reach a fork in the cave road, a goblin jumps out at them_

GOBLIN: you must answer my riddles

RUE: oh for fucks sake

RUE: fine

GOBLIN: a poor man has it, a rich man needs it. what is it

RUE: a flashlight. they're in a dark ass cave. the poor man is a tour guide. next riddle before my ass burns off, por favor

BMJ: you stole that from tumblr

RUE: i did steal that from tumblr user teaboot

GOBLIN: whatever. next riddle: born of earth, i bring the sky closer. fly from my crown and return to the earth forever. 

RUE: a really tall king. he's born and when you stand on his head you're closer to the sky. you fall off his big ass head and die. next question please

BMJ: i think the answer was "a tower" but i like yours better

GOBLIN: final riddle

GOBLIN: what word starts with a b and has a b in it, but the entire word has a total of one b

RUE: a bee

RUE: like the creature

RUE: now let me pass

GOBLIN: not one of those were correct

GOBLIN: but you also didn't need to answer my riddles i just wanted to see if you would

RUE: goddamnit not again

BMJ: this has happened before?

RUE: a lot of things have happened to me

RUE: i had a fulfilling life

RUE: i made many friends

BMJ: introduce me

RUE: no i left all of them

BMJ: oh

BMJ: did you have a falling out

RUE: more like a falling down

RUE: cause

RUE: i fell down to the afterlife

RUE: cause i died

BMJ: oh yeah i forgot that happened

RUE: yeah im still trying to become undead but you are not helping at all

RUE: we should probably keep walking before this creepy goblin dude does something sketchy to me

GOBLIN: i am gay i get nothing out of you 

RUE: well thats good but also i didnt necessarily say anything in specific

GOBLIN: true you turd

RUE: what

GOBLIN: i mean

GOBLIN: you may pass

RUE: i already knew that you little bitch

GOBLIN: jeez are you always such a little asshole

RUE: no

BMJ: yes she is you liar

RUE: michael you need to be on my side

BMJ: ok, 1, dont call me by my middle name. my first name is bat

BMJ: and B, i dont have to do shit

RUE: did you just go 1 and then B

BMJ: maybe

BMJ: i am 🅱️at michael jackson

RUE: 🅱️🅰️t michael jackson

BMJ: no no

RUE: oh oh

_rue and bmj pass the goblin and go deeper into the cave_

_a man with one large titty walks out_

RUE: what the 

BMJ: dont bodyshame

RUE: no im not i was just surprised

RUE: who the fuck are you

MAN: i am the giving tree

RUE:

RUE, whispering: what the fuck do we do

BMJ: i dunno 

BMJ: ask him to give us something

RUE: give us something

MAN: here you go

_he lactates out a folding chair_

MAN: this chair will help you on your cavely travels

RUE: cavely is not a word

RUE: and how will this chair help

RUE: are we going to sit somewhere

MAN: it will help you 

MAN: trust me

MAN: now take it

_he throws the chair at them and then disappears_

BMJ: 

RUE: 

BMJ:

RUE: 

BMJ:

RUE:

BMJ: well ok then

BMJ: ill carry the chair

RUE: what an odd man

_they continue walking_

RUE: how do we get to the living world through this cave im confused

BMJ: idk man just go with the flow

RUE: the flow is not taking me somewhere i want to be

BMJ: oh

BMJ: well um

BMJ: i have no other advice

RUE: well god you're no help at all are you

BMJ: even my wisdom has limits 

RUE: what wisdom all youve done is vaguely criticize me this whole time

BMJ: that's it that's my wisdom

RUE: shitty wisdom 

_rue glares at bmj for ten minutes straight_

BMJ: please stop

RUE: no

BMJ: your eyes are drying up

RUE: i will glare at you until the end of time

BMJ: don't you wanna escape and go back to the land of the living

_rue blinks_

RUE: yes actually i do

BMJ: then let's fucking go

_the two of them take off running into the cave, squealing and honking like wild pigs_

BMJ: why are we making these sounds

RUE: because we are running out of things to talk about because we've been running for like five hours

BMJ: does this cave ever end

RUE: honestly, im not sure

RUE: does anything ever ends

BMJ: did you just say "does anything ever ends"

RUE: yeah

BMJ: sigh

_they stop running_

BMJ: how do we actually get out of here though like seriously gourd

RUE: i don't know i just went here because someone told me to

BMJ: god you are so fucking gullible it is not even funny

RUE: i think it's funny

RUE: it's dry humor

RUE: i am a dry person

RUE: i am a cactus

RUE: wake my cactus parts up

BMJ: god what

RUE: i dont know what am i talking about

BMJ: what cactus parts????

RUE: yes

BMJ: i simply dont understand you

_he throws a potted plant on the floor. it shatters and makes a trumpet sound_

RUE: i literally hate you

BMJ: it's ok the feeling is mutual

RUE: wait did that plant just make a cactus sound

BMJ: no it made a trumpet sound

BMJ: that was supposed to be a throwaway joke but you fucked it up

RUE: what else is new

BMJ: theres a new iphone

RUE: there is always a new iphone

BMJ: you arent wrong

_they both start to dance like wild monkeys_

BMJ: I FEEL SO ALIVE

RUE: how can you we're both dead

BMJ: STAB ME in THE TIDDY I NEED TO FEEL EVEN ALIVER

RUE: uh ok

_rue, still dancing, pulls a knife from her pocket. she stabs bmj in the tiddy_

_bmj explodes_

RUE: did i just kill him 

RUE: also why does his insides feel like pumpkin guts

RUE: literally what just happened

RUE: did i kill the real michael jackson too

RUE: no i couldnt have i was like 6 when he did

RUE: right

_she googles it_

RUE: he died in 2009

RUE: i was not six when he died

RUE: i was more like

_rue counts on her fingers_

RUE: 3

RUE: wait i could have sworn i was in 1st/2nd grade when he died

RUE: hm

NARRATOR: were you born in 2006 though or are you older than you say you are

NARRATOR: you fucking faker

RUE: no im pretty sure i was born in 2006

RUE: unless i wasnt

RUE: and my parents lied to me

RUE: my mother has never shown me my birth certificate

RUE: OH MY GOD WHAT IF IM LIKE 17 AND I DONT KNOW IT

RUE: AND THATS WHY I LOOK SO FUCKING OLD

NARRATOR: you don't look that old tbh

RUE: SHUT UP

NARRATOR: ok ok

_the narrator fades away_

RUE: damn i have no one to talk to now

_rue pulls out a mirror, and immediatly throws it_

RUE: nope im ugly

NARRATOR: you didnt even look at yourself

RUE: woah youre back already

NARRATOR: yeah everything else is fucking boring so

NARRATOR: yknow

NARRATOR: blegh

RUE: i thought we killed you off

NARRATOR: yeah but as ive explained to cat i dont know if i can really die the writers seem to like torturing me

NARRATOR: also without me there's no one for you to talk to

RUE: what if

RUE: i dont want to talk to anyone

NARRATOR: yeah but the people watching this episode will find it boring if you're just talking to yourself, you know

RUE: but

NARRATOR: no

RUE: isn't there a episode where cat kinda loses it and thinks that shes a llama

NARRATOR: how would you know that you're supposed to be dead

NARRATOR: now i have to wipe your memory

RUE: wait no don't do that

RUE: i want to remember things

NARRATOR: sorry

_the narrator waves a plastic hand and suddenly rue is not remembering anything_

RUE: who am i and where am i and who are you

RUE: am i mannequin

NARRATOR:....

NARRATOR: sure

RUE: fuck no

RUE: kill me

RUE: i dont want to be a sentient mannequin

NARRATOR: no wait you can't do that

NARRATOR: uh

NARRATOR: i know what to do

_the narrator clears their throat_

NARRATOR: as rue the sentient mannequin sat inside the cave, a scientist suddenly entered. this scientist wanted to experiment on mannequins, humans and robots all at the same time, and rue was 2/3 of that, so the scientist kidnapped her, sedated her, and brought her back to his lab

NARRATOR: the end

NARRATOR: until the next episode

_credits roll_

NARRATOR: will rue ever escape to the land of the living

NARRATOR: honestly i dunno


	17. rue kills herself but it's not her but it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for any of yall concerned, this isn't a chapter abt suicide/suicidal thoughts. the title is very misleading (kind of? it'll be made clear soon)

RUE: so anyways i really like cheese

SCIENTIST: okay but what does that have to do with me taking your blood

RUE: i was stalling so you would be entranced in my story instead of torturing me some more

SCIENTIST: too bad we're torturing you

RUE: no please

RUE: i don't want this

RUE: cat would rescue me

SCIENTIST: who's cat

SCIENTIST: there is no "cat" in our records of the dead

RUE: how shes always dying

SCIENTIST: i dont know her so i cant tell you

RUE: well

RUE: she is a small tiny child with big eyes and she dies all the time

SCIENTIST: there are a lot of those you need to be more specific

RUE: if that means you won't torture me i'll be as specific as possible

SCIENTIST: wait--

RUE: ok so cat is 5'3 and she has dark brown hair but it's purple on the bottom and she's a big nerd and--

SCIENTIST: stop i don't care

RUE: and shes like the coolest person i know but she gets real weird about the untamed like its concerning

SCIENTIST: please shut up

RUE: will you let me go

SCIENTIST: no

RUE: are you a pedo

SCIENTIST: no what

RUE: well you have a fourteen year old child strapped to a table so i am concerned about that

SCIENTIST: im not a pedo

SCIENTIST: this is to torture you not to do...

_he makes a gesture with his hands_

SCIENTIST: that

RUE: still

RUE: you give me pedo vibes

SCIENTIST: this is hell of course i give off those kinds of vibes

RUE: you make it seem like that's a requirement

RUE: and isn't this tartarus

SCIENTIST: im really not sure anymore

RUE: are any of us ever sure

SCIENTIST: no

SCIENTIST: fuck you're making me question reality again

RUE: that's what i do

SCIENTIST: jesus how are you not running this place

RUE: i dunno maybe i should

RUE: who runs this place

SCIENTIST: some lady named "anxietatem 's rutam"

RUE: is that just rue's anxiety

RUE: fuck is the ruler of the afterlife just my anxiety being personified

RUE: well i suppose to get over my anxiety i will have to defeat my anxiety

SCIENTIST: but then you'd become the ruler of the afterlife

RUE: an added bonus

RUE: now let me out

SCIENTIST: no

RUE: when i become ruler i'll pay you more

_beat_

SCIENTIST: k sure

_the scientist lets rue go free. rue goes sprinting off to the giant castle in the distance, where anxietatem 's rutam is_

SCIENTIST: she's totally going to second-die

* * *

_meanwhile, with cat_

CAT: what should i even do today

CAT: rue was the one who always came up with stuff to do

CAT: well

CAT: sometimes she also got us into something

CAT: something bad

_a camel appears_

CAMEL CAT: like what?

CAT: well when i convinced her to play video games with me she got us sucked into samurai warriors

CAMEL CAT: that doesn't seem bad

CAT: we saw a dying not-little-boy

CAMEL CAT: oh

CAT: and a dad and his son who wasn't educated about anatomy

CAMEL CAT: did you educate him

CAT: in a way

CAMEL CAT: that doesn't sound good

CAT: it wasn't

CAT: then i died and rue found an axe and then we were transported back to here and she slept for eight days and then when she finally woke up she was fucking destroyed by an axe

CAMEL CAT: is she alive

CAT:

CAT: are you fucking serious

CAMEL CAT: a little

CAT: fuck off i dont want you here

CAMEL CAT: k bye

_camel cat prances away like a horse and disappears_

CAT: did my imaginary friend just run away from me

CAT: wow thats sad

CAT: also is that how i look when i prance

_the plant next to her opens its eyes_

PLANT: why are you even prancing

CAT: wHAT THE FUCK

PLANT: i said why are you even prancing

PLANT: and there is no need to swear, my child

CAT: "my child" are you a plant mom

PLANT: yes

PLANT: my name is ashley

CAT: that's such a mom name

ASHLEY: i know

ASHLEY: anyway why are you prancing

CAT: im not prancing that was just my camel friend

ASHLEY: what no

ASHLEY: you just said "k bye" to yourself, pranced across the room, and then came back to this spot and said "did my imaginary friend just run away from me"

CAT: oh

CAT: i

ASHLEY: explain yourself

CAT: do i have to

ASHLEY: i

ASHLEY: i guess not but--

CAT: bYE BITCH

_cat half cartwheels, half skips away_

CAT: when did i learn how to do a cartwheel

CAT: or whatever i just did

CAT: im really not sure what just happened

* * *

_rue is now at the entrance to the giant castle_

RUE: time for the big fight against my anxiety

_rue sighs_

RUE: i'm so tired of this shit

RUE: can i just go back to being alive

RUE: do i have to fight myself

NARRATOR: yes you do

RUE: woah the narrator

RUE: i thought you died

NARRATOR: when did i die

RUE: i don't know you just haven't shown up in a while so i assumed you died

NARRATOR: i literally cannot die

NARRATOR: i am the narrator

NARRATOR: and despite the many times you and ms ii have tried to kill me, i cant fUCKING DIE

RUE: who

NARRATOR: do

NARRATOR: do you not know your best friend slash soulmate's last name

RUE: oh yeahhh i keep forgetting we changed her last name to avoid people stalking her

NARRATOR: yes before it was *********** but now it is "ii"

RUE: catherine ii

RUE: that sounds kind of terrible why did she pick that

NARRATOR: do you think i fucking know

RUE: well maybe

NARRATOR: if it sounds that bad then ask her to pick a new one or something

_the writers lean down_

WRITERS: hi did we hear "pick a new last name"

WRITERS: okay

WRITERS: how about

WRITERS: applebottomjeansbootswiththefur

RUE: is that all one thing

WRITERS: yes

RUE: so her name would be catherine jinming rubie applebottomjeansbootswiththefur

WRITERS: yes isnt that a sexy name

RUE: it is not

RUE: cat where are you come pick a new name

* * *

_cat is thinking_

CAT: i should pick a new last name

CAT: how sexy of me that would be

_beat_

CAT: yes how sexy

CAT: what should it be

CAT: perhaps i will steal a fictional character's name like i always do

CAT: i am the name thief after all

CAT: what about

CAT: cat wuxian

CAT: no wait that's his first name

CAT: that wouldn't make sense

CAT: or maybe it would but i'll come back to that

_cat thinks_

CAT: his last name is wei but "cat wei" sounds weird

CAT: cat wei

CAT: cat way

CAT: i am the cat way

CAT: you can go your own way but its cat way

CAT: you can go your cat wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

_cat turns into a baby and skeet skeets down the street in the stroller, then shoots out of the stroller like a rocket_

CAT: yyyyyYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

* * *

_rue is thinking about what cat is doing at this very moment_

RUE: she would never do that she's not that odd

RUE: or is she

_beat_

RUE: well whatever i need to go defeat my anxiety now

_rue stands up, and walks_

_she keeps walking_

_shes still walking_

RUE: fuck this is the longest road ever

RUE: where am i going again

NARRATOR: to defeat your anxiety at the big castle up there

RUE: im trying to get there but it's getting farther away from me

NARRATOR: then walk backwards

RUE: huh

NARRATOR: just do it

RUE: how ill fall

NARRATOR: just listen to me you little asshole

RUE: okay okay

NARRATOR: walk backwards with your eyes closed until i say stop

_rue does that_

NARRATOR: sTOP

_rue opens her eyes_

RUE: woah im at the castle now how did you do that

NARRATOR: because i can

NARRATOR: now go inside the castle and defeat your anxiety

RUE: no

RUE: i am too anxious

NARRATOR: for fucks sake

NARRATOR, NARRATING: and then rue went into the castle

_rue suddenly moves_

RUE: woah i am being pushed against my will i dont like this

NARRATOR: she kept going into the castle until she found her anxiety

RUE: NO

RUE: FUCK NO YOU CANT MAKE ME DO THIS IM A WRITER

NARRATOR: well actually

_the narrator turns into rue_

RUE: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

_rue's anxiety appears. it is just another clone of rue but with red eyes_

RUE'S ANXIETY: these contacts hurt like a bitch

RUE: THERE ARE SO MANY CLONES OF ME I JUST CANT PROCESS THIS

NARRUEATOR: not my problem

RUE'S ANXIETY: not my problem either

RUE: AHHHHHHH

_she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a cupcake_

RUE'S ANXIETY: how did you pull out an entire cupcake

RUE: i do that when i'm freaking out

_she eats the cupcake_

RUE'S ANXIETY: are you less freaking out now

RUE: no but at least i have this cupcake

NARRUEATOR: an optimistic outlook on life

NARRUEATOR: also you ate the cupcake you don't have it anymore

RUE: well fuck

_she pulls out another cupcake from her shoe_

RUE'S ANXIETY: stop doing that it's gross and my weakness

RUE: hm

_she throws the cupcake at her anxiety, which immediately shatters. rue then lays on the ground and scoops up the shards, but they just absorb into her boob_

RUE: i suddenly feel much more confident in everything i do 

RUE: i think it is time i go skydiving

NARRUEATOR: woah what

RUE: what

RUE: ive never been able to do that

NARRUEATOR: that really seems like a bad idea you dont know how to skydive

RUE: im sure it will work out in the end

NARRUEATOR: are you s-oh she's gone now

_rue has jumped out of a plane that didn't exist before_

RUE: fuck i dont have a parachute

RUE: but i also dont have anxiety so i don't care it's fine wheeeeeee

_rue lands on the ground with a splat but is miraculously fine and not at all harmed_

NARRUEATOR: how the fuck did you do that

RUE: my anxiety-less body is also immortal

NARRUEATOR: is this what it's like for people who dont have anxiety

RUE: i suppose

RUE: i dont think either of the writers have ever been a person without anxiety so i assume this is what they think it's like

NARRUEATOR: well that checks out yeah

NARRUEATOR: what are non anxious people even like

RUE: like me

NARRUEATOR: no like actually

_the narrueator pulls out her phone and googles it_

NARRUEATOR: here's a list

NARRAUEATOR: 1: people who dont have anxiety deal with their negative thoughts in a different way. when they have negative thoughts they dont spend any time thinking about them

RUE: woah now i wish i didnt have anxiety in the past that sounds fucking great

NARRUEATOR: 2: they allow uncertainty. they are ok if they dont know what happens next

NARRUEATOR: 3: they are okay with not feeling calm all the time. they do not demand themselves to feel a certain way

NARRUEATOR: 4: when they feel anxious they keep doing whatever they were doing anyway. they dont stop or overthink what they are doing

NARRUEATOR: and finally, 5: when they feel anxious, they dont fight it, they let it be.

RUE: god im glad im non anxious n--

_a bird flies above and pours water on rues head_

RUE: fuck i am anxious once again

RUE: that must have been anxious juice

RUE: anyway thats what non anxious people experience?????????

NARRUEATOR: apparently so

RUE: lucky asses

_credits roll_

RUE: if i tricked myself into thinking i do those things even though i dont would i become not anxious

NARRUEATOR: i dunno


	18. don't fuck with me you raspberry fucknut

RUE: so anyways i really like cheese

SCIENTIST: okay but what does that have to do with me taking your blood

RUE: i was stalling so you would be entranced in my story instead of torturing me some more

SCIENTIST: too bad we're torturing you

RUE: no please

RUE: i don't want this

RUE: cat would rescue me

SCIENTIST: who's cat

SCIENTIST: there is no "cat" in our records of the dead

RUE: how shes always dying

SCIENTIST: i dont know her so i cant tell you

RUE: well

RUE: she is a small tiny child with big eyes and she dies all the time

SCIENTIST: there are a lot of those you need to be more specific

RUE: if that means you won't torture me i'll be as specific as possible

SCIENTIST: wait--

RUE: ok so cat is 5'3 and she has dark brown hair but it's purple on the bottom and she's a big nerd and--

SCIENTIST: stop i don't care

RUE: and shes like the coolest person i know but she gets real weird about the untamed like its concerning

SCIENTIST: please shut up

RUE: will you let me go

SCIENTIST: no

RUE: are you a pedo

SCIENTIST: no what

RUE: well you have a fourteen year old child strapped to a table so i am concerned about that

SCIENTIST: im not a pedo

SCIENTIST: this is to torture you not to do...

_he makes a gesture with his hands_

SCIENTIST: that

RUE: still

RUE: you give me pedo vibes

SCIENTIST: this is hell of course i give off those kinds of vibes

RUE: you make it seem like that's a requirement

RUE: and isn't this tartarus

SCIENTIST: im really not sure anymore

RUE: are any of us ever sure

SCIENTIST: no

SCIENTIST: fuck you're making me question reality again

RUE: that's what i do

SCIENTIST: jesus how are you not running this place

RUE: i dunno maybe i should

RUE: who runs this place

SCIENTIST: some lady named "anxietatem 's rutam"

RUE: is that just rue's anxiety

RUE: fuck is the ruler of the afterlife just my anxiety being personified

RUE: well i suppose to get over my anxiety i will have to defeat my anxiety

SCIENTIST: but then you'd become the ruler of the afterlife

RUE: an added bonus

RUE: now let me out

SCIENTIST: no

RUE: when i become ruler i'll pay you more

_beat_

SCIENTIST: k sure

_the scientist lets rue go free. rue goes sprinting off to the giant castle in the distance, where anxietatem 's rutam is_

SCIENTIST: she's totally going to second-die

* * *

_meanwhile, with cat_

CAT: what should i even do today

CAT: rue was the one who always came up with stuff to do

CAT: well

CAT: sometimes she also got us into something

CAT: something bad

_a camel appears_

CAMEL CAT: like what?

CAT: well when i convinced her to play video games with me she got us sucked into samurai warriors

CAMEL CAT: that doesn't seem bad

CAT: we saw a dying not-little-boy

CAMEL CAT: oh

CAT: and a dad and his son who wasn't educated about anatomy

CAMEL CAT: did you educate him

CAT: in a way

CAMEL CAT: that doesn't sound good

CAT: it wasn't

CAT: then i died and rue found an axe and then we were transported back to here and she slept for eight days and then when she finally woke up she was fucking destroyed by an axe

CAMEL CAT: is she alive

CAT:

CAT: are you fucking serious

CAMEL CAT: a little

CAT: fuck off i dont want you here

CAMEL CAT: k bye

_camel cat prances away like a horse and disappears_

CAT: did my imaginary friend just run away from me

CAT: wow thats sad

CAT: also is that how i look when i prance

_the plant next to her opens its eyes_

PLANT: why are you even prancing

CAT: wHAT THE FUCK

PLANT: i said why are you even prancing

PLANT: and there is no need to swear, my child

CAT: "my child" are you a plant mom

PLANT: yes

PLANT: my name is ashley

CAT: that's such a mom name

ASHLEY: i know

ASHLEY: anyway why are you prancing

CAT: im not prancing that was just my camel friend

ASHLEY: what no

ASHLEY: you just said "k bye" to yourself, pranced across the room, and then came back to this spot and said "did my imaginary friend just run away from me"

CAT: oh

CAT: i

ASHLEY: explain yourself

CAT: do i have to

ASHLEY: i

ASHLEY: i guess not but--

CAT: bYE BITCH

_cat half cartwheels, half skips away_

CAT: when did i learn how to do a cartwheel

CAT: or whatever i just did

CAT: im really not sure what just happened

* * *

_rue is now at the entrance to the giant castle_

RUE: time for the big fight against my anxiety

_rue sighs_

RUE: i'm so tired of this shit

RUE: can i just go back to being alive

RUE: do i have to fight myself

NARRATOR: yes you do

RUE: woah the narrator

RUE: i thought you died

NARRATOR: when did i die

RUE: i don't know you just haven't shown up in a while so i assumed you died

NARRATOR: i literally cannot die

NARRATOR: i am the narrator

NARRATOR: and despite the many times you and ms ii have tried to kill me, i cant fUCKING DIE

RUE: who

NARRATOR: do

NARRATOR: do you not know your best friend slash soulmate's last name

RUE: oh yeahhh i keep forgetting we changed her last name to avoid people stalking her

NARRATOR: yes before it was *********** but now it is "ii"

RUE: catherine ii

RUE: that sounds kind of terrible why did she pick that

NARRATOR: do you think i fucking know

RUE: well maybe

NARRATOR: if it sounds that bad then ask her to pick a new one or something

_the writers lean down_

WRITERS: hi did we hear "pick a new last name"

WRITERS: okay

WRITERS: how about

WRITERS: applebottomjeansbootswiththefur

RUE: is that all one thing

WRITERS: yes

RUE: so her name would be catherine jinming rubie applebottomjeansbootswiththefur

WRITERS: yes isnt that a sexy name

RUE: it is not

RUE: cat where are you come pick a new name

* * *

_cat is thinking_

CAT: i should pick a new last name

CAT: how sexy of me that would be

_beat_

CAT: yes how sexy

CAT: what should it be

CAT: perhaps i will steal a fictional character's name like i always do

CAT: i am the name thief after all

CAT: what about

CAT: cat wuxian

CAT: no wait that's his first name

CAT: that wouldn't make sense

CAT: or maybe it would but i'll come back to that

_cat thinks_

CAT: his last name is wei but "cat wei" sounds weird

CAT: cat wei

CAT: cat way

CAT: i am the cat way

CAT: you can go your own way but its cat way

CAT: you can go your cat wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

_cat turns into a baby and skeet skeets down the street in the stroller, then shoots out of the stroller like a rocket_

CAT: yyyyyYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

* * *

_rue is thinking about what cat is doing at this very moment_

RUE: she would never do that she's not that odd

RUE: or is she

_beat_

RUE: well whatever i need to go defeat my anxiety now

_rue stands up, and walks_

_she keeps walking_

_shes still walking_

RUE: fuck this is the longest road ever

RUE: where am i going again

NARRATOR: to defeat your anxiety at the big castle up there

RUE: im trying to get there but it's getting farther away from me

NARRATOR: then walk backwards

RUE: huh

NARRATOR: just do it

RUE: how ill fall

NARRATOR: just listen to me you little asshole

RUE: okay okay

NARRATOR: walk backwards with your eyes closed until i say stop

_rue does that_

NARRATOR: sTOP

_rue opens her eyes_

RUE: woah im at the castle now how did you do that

NARRATOR: because i can

NARRATOR: now go inside the castle and defeat your anxiety

RUE: no

RUE: i am too anxious

NARRATOR: for fucks sake

NARRATOR, NARRATING: and then rue went into the castle

_rue suddenly moves_

RUE: woah i am being pushed against my will i dont like this

NARRATOR: she kept going into the castle until she found her anxiety

RUE: NO

RUE: FUCK NO YOU CANT MAKE ME DO THIS IM A WRITER

NARRATOR: well actually

_the narrator turns into rue_

RUE: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

_rue's anxiety appears. it is just another clone of rue but with red eyes_

RUE'S ANXIETY: these contacts hurt like a bitch

RUE: THERE ARE SO MANY CLONES OF ME I JUST CANT PROCESS THIS

NARRUEATOR: not my problem

RUE'S ANXIETY: not my problem either

RUE: AHHHHHHH

_she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a cupcake_

RUE'S ANXIETY: how did you pull out an entire cupcake

RUE: i do that when i'm freaking out

_she eats the cupcake_

RUE'S ANXIETY: are you less freaking out now

RUE: no but at least i have this cupcake

NARRUEATOR: an optimistic outlook on life

NARRUEATOR: also you ate the cupcake you don't have it anymore

RUE: well fuck

_she pulls out another cupcake from her shoe_

RUE'S ANXIETY: stop doing that it's gross and my weakness

RUE: hm

_she throws the cupcake at her anxiety, which immediately shatters. rue then lays on the ground and scoops up the shards, but they just absorb into her boob_

RUE: i suddenly feel much more confident in everything i do 

RUE: i think it is time i go skydiving

NARRUEATOR: woah what

RUE: what

RUE: ive never been able to do that

NARRUEATOR: that really seems like a bad idea you dont know how to skydive

RUE: im sure it will work out in the end

NARRUEATOR: are you s-oh she's gone now

_rue has jumped out of a plane that didn't exist before_

RUE: fuck i dont have a parachute

RUE: but i also dont have anxiety so i don't care it's fine wheeeeeee

_rue lands on the ground with a splat but is miraculously fine and not at all harmed_

NARRUEATOR: how the fuck did you do that

RUE: my anxiety-less body is also immortal

NARRUEATOR: is this what it's like for people who dont have anxiety

RUE: i suppose

RUE: i dont think either of the writers have ever been a person without anxiety so i assume this is what they think it's like

NARRUEATOR: well that checks out yeah

NARRUEATOR: what are non anxious people even like

RUE: like me

NARRUEATOR: no like actually

_the narrueator pulls out her phone and googles it_

NARRUEATOR: here's a list

NARRAUEATOR: 1: people who dont have anxiety deal with their negative thoughts in a different way. when they have negative thoughts they dont spend any time thinking about them

RUE: woah now i wish i didnt have anxiety in the past that sounds fucking great

NARRUEATOR: 2: they allow uncertainty. they are ok if they dont know what happens next

NARRUEATOR: 3: they are okay with not feeling calm all the time. they do not demand themselves to feel a certain way

NARRUEATOR: 4: when they feel anxious they keep doing whatever they were doing anyway. they dont stop or overthink what they are doing

NARRUEATOR: and finally, 5: when they feel anxious, they dont fight it, they let it be.

RUE: god im glad im non anxious n--

_a bird flies above and pours water on rues head_

RUE: fuck i am anxious once again

RUE: that must have been anxious juice

RUE: anyway thats what non anxious people experience?????????

NARRUEATOR: apparently so

RUE: lucky asses

_credits roll_

RUE: if i tricked myself into thinking i do those things even though i dont would i become not anxious

NARRUEATOR: i dunno


	19. pronouns

_cat wakes up to find something crawling out of their closet_

CAT: fuck no

CREATURE: ahgjaj sdjfak

CAT: huh

_the creature coughs for like eight minutes straight_

CAT: uh

CAT: i'm gonna go grab a bat and hit this thing

RUE: you asshole i was literally choking

CAT: oh rue you're back

RUE: i was literally being tortured in hell, tartarus, and then i had to get rebirthed by going through the afterlife and all you have to say is oh you're back

CAT: well what do you want me to say

RUE: i dunno

RUE: that you're jazzed to see me

CAT: what the fuck did they take you to like the nineteen fourties

RUE: im really not sure anymore i had to go on like three different quests that's why it took so long getting back

CAT: why do you have so many religions

RUE: i dunno

RUE: anyways bat michael jackson helped me realize i was a demigirl so new pronouns announcement

RUE: she/her and they/them 

CAT: oh well actually i am nonbinary so i am using they/them 

CAT: my camel friend helped me realize this

RUE: your what

CAT: my camel friend

CAT: they remind me of you

RUE: was the camel actually talking to you or were you pretending the camel had a voice

CAT: honestly im not sure it might not have even been real

RUE: that's a little concerning

CAT: it's a _lot_ concerning but i don't give two shits

CAT: it's just not in my nature to

RUE: do you give one shit

RUE: who are you giving the one shit to

CAT: you

RUE: ew i dont want your one shit

CAT: oh

CAT: do you want three

RUE: i don't want any shits period

CAT: i'm on my period

RUE: i know cat

CAT: i'm sad

RUE: i know cat

CAT: how do you know

RUE: i just know

CAT: same brain

RUE: no i could just tell you're acting weirdly

CAT: oh

CAT: sad face noises

RUE: i'm so done with you saying that even the words would be just fine

CAT: lmaoooo no

RUE: sigh

RUE: i hate you

CAT: do youuuuu

RUE: i genuinely am not sure anymore

CAT: ill take it

CAT: i will pretend you love me deeply

CAT: otherwise the breakdowns i had during this season would not be justified

RUE: what

CAT: what

RUE: are you okay

CAT: yes

CAT: maybe

CAT: no

CAT: actually yes

CAT: i have had a lot of breakdowns

CAT: lived with a bird

CAT: made a camel friend

CAT: insulted a peasant

CAT: cried into some chips

CAT: the usual

RUE: ill have to see the tapes later to see how many because i actually have no idea what you did while i was gone

CAT: do you ever wonder how the filmer people got down into hell or wherever you were

RUE: i am now only wondering that

CAT: you only ever wonder about stuff after it happens

CAT: never in the moment

RUE: my fatal flaw

CAT: was that why you were impaled by an axe

RUE: perhaps

RUE: where did that axe even come from

CAT: holy shit you're right was someone trying to murder you

_rue stares at cat_

CAT: what

RUE: well

RUE: you live with me

CAT: i had a million breakdowns

RUE: you could have been sorry about it

CAT: i very clearly was

CAT: do you think i control my feelings good

RUE: no

CAT: see

_cat replays the tapes on the tv. there is a montage of cat crying over broken eggs, a bird, a peasant, at their own hand, and into a bag of chips_

RUE: you were clearly not good

CAT: i know

CAT: i probably should have seeked a bit of help

RUE: you mean sought

CAT: yeah whatever

RUE: um

_they sit in silence_

RUE: so 

RUE: it was weird being dead

CAT: tell me about it

RUE: well

_flashback_

_cut to rue's entire journey mashed into like thirty seconds with music playing_

_flashback ends_

CAT: why did you just stare into space for like thirty seconds

RUE: did you see my montage?

CAT: no

RUE: aw fuck

CAT: that was in your head

CAT: i'm sorry

RUE: i wanted you to see the montage

RUE: i picked such a good song

CAT: what song did you pick

RUE: take a guess

CAT: something by kehlani or halsey

RUE: well

RUE: now im embarrassed to say

CAT: it totally was

RUE: damnit now i gotta think of something else 

CAT: heehee

RUE: oh god no is bmj back

CAT: who is that

RUE: bat michael jackson i got tired of saying his full name

CAT: is he just gonna be a character in this show now

RUE: i dunno he wasn't really supposed to be a main character but i guess he kinda is now just go with it

CAT: well ok 

_bat michael jackson appears_

BMJ: hEE HEE

RUE: hi fucker

BMJ: i bet you thought you killed me when you stabbed me in the tiddy

CAT: you did what

RUE: long story

BMJ: anyway what's happening

RUE: not much

RUE: this episode is literally just called "pronouns" but i don't think the writers had much of a plan for the rest of it i think they just wanted to not be women anymore

_the writers lean down from the sky_

WRITERS: we did not

RUE: see

CAT: woah

CAT: how did you do that

CAT: also did we get new writers or is that just us with hats covering our faces

WRITER ONE: its called a mask we're in a pandemic at the moment you dumbass

CAT: well im glad im not you

WRITER ONE: you're not me

WRITER ONE: but

_writer two steps out from the shadows_

WRITER TWO: you're ME

CAT: nOOOO

RUE: it's 

RUE: it's not that bad cat

CAT: YES IT IS

CAT: look at me what happened to my eyebrows

WRITER TWO: whats wrong with my eyebrows

CAT: they look melty

RUE: what does that even mean

CAT: lookkkkkkkkk

_they look. writer two's eyebrows are melty_

RUE: wow

RUE: that is a major fuckup

RUE: reminds me of the new year 2020 when you posted a photo of you without your eyebrows because you are a goddamn stupid bitch

CAT:

CAT: ok go off

RUE: oh okay

RUE: so what happened was youre an anxious sack of meat and you plucked out all your eyebrow hairs and then posted a picture of it online-

CAT: i didnt mean literally

CAT: i meant like "i get it, stop now"

RUE: i'm not stopping

RUE: you anxious meat sack you

RUE: you plucked all your eyebrows and then posted a picture of yourself online for the new year because you wanted to do that for some stupid reason and now someone could have stolen your identity as someone with no eyebrows

CAT: why would anybody do that

CAT: also i don't know how my family didn't notice it was so obvious

CAT: actually they probably did but didn't comment on it bc that would be rude af

CAT: imagine being like "woah what the fuck cat where did your eyebrows go"

RUE: why are we two children that live alone

RUE: where are we getting the money to pay the bills

CAT: no remember we're adults that was mentioned in like the second or third episode

RUE: but at some point i said we stopped aging

RUE: im eternally 13 and you're eternally 12

CAT: noooo cant we age one year

RUE: fine

_poof_

_now they are both one year older_

CAT: i still feel the same

RUE: i love how we technically celebrated our birthday in a different universe and but we dont have a real birthday in this one

CAT: jesus did you just hint that there are other universes

RUE: cat its been proven that there are

RUE: im not hinting im referencing

CAT: you are too hinting

RUE: no i am not i would tell you

CAT: no you wouldnt thats the point of hints

CAT: wow this episode is really boring

CAT: we have to continue this for 1.5 more pages

RUE: well 

RUE: we could act out the murder scene from the shining

CAT: which one

RUE: i dont know ive never actually seen the shining

CAT: me neither

CAT: how would we reenact that

RUE: what if you throw an axe at me and i scream

CAT: that is literally how you died

RUE: wait i thought the axe came from the ceiling

CAT: you still screamed though

CAT: i mean so did i

CAT: but

CAT: it was traumatic for me and i had to live with your dead body for a month until the police came and cleaned it up

RUE: you 

RUE: you what

RUE: did

RUE: did you not call the police for a whole fucking mONTH

CAT: im scared of the police

CAT: dont be an ass

RUE: bUT MY BODY

CAT: it made the room stink

CAT: it smelled of piss for a whole month

RUE: thats not what dead bodies smell like but okay

CAT: how would you know 

CAT: i spent a month with a dead body and you didn't

RUE: technically i spent a long ass time with a bunch of dead people in the land of dead people but sure okay

RUE: and i would know because i used to thoroughly enjoy dead things

RUE: my mom had a grossology camp

CAT: ive never met your mom

RUE: you dont want to

CAT: lets go meet your mom

RUE: do we have to

CAT: you can meet my mom in return

RUE: why do we have to meet the moms

CAT: because we need more plot for this episode 

RUE:

RUE: true but--

CAT: nOpe

_cat spins rue around in a really fast circle and badabing badaboom suddenly they are at a different house_

RUE: im going to barf

CAT: do it in the bin

RUE: what bin

_cat pulls out a can of heinz beans_

RUE: those are heinz beans

CAT: fuck wrong episode

_they throw the beans can away. it shatters a window. cat pulls out a bucket_

CAT: here you ho

RUE: sorry what

CAT: i meant go but that works too

RUE: no it doesnt

_a woman hobbles out of the house_

RUE: fuck this is not my mothers house

CAT: where are we then

CAT: oh wait this is my parents' house

RUE: who the fuck is that then

CAT: my mom

RUE: what

CAT: what

RUE: why is she so old

CAT: i dunno

RUE: ive learned to blame everything on brendie urien

CAT: okay

CAT: can i be old too

RUE: no you're not allowed you have to stay babey forever

CAT: i dont wanna

RUE: STAY BABEY

CAT: NO

_cat suddenly becomes old_

RUE: NOT AGAIN THIS KEEPS HAPPENING

CAT: DOES IT

RUE: i mean

RUE: whenever i say for you to do something you do the exact opposite

RUE: i see now why chinababy was based off of you

CAT: im waiting for the day where someone assumes that we are two white writers making fun of poc and lgbt people

RUE: yeah im pretty sure 80% of the shows are offensive to pretty much everyone

CAT: i have a list of who it is offensive to

_they pull out the list. it is very long_

CAT: im pretty sure it's offensive to cishetties, poc, lgbt, straight men, white men, cis men, men men, straight women, white women, cis women, women women, nymphomaniacs, adopted children, alcoholic moms who adopted babies from china, chinese adoptees, white people, straight people, cis people--

RUE: we have heard enough

_credits roll_

CAT: everyone watching this know that we are actually poc lgbtq writers who do not hate anyone except donald trump and a few other terrible people 

CAT: you're all valid

RUE: wait could they not tell we were gay and poc just from seeing us

CAT: well

CAT: i dont know maybe theyre blind and are hearing our vibrations

RUE: i know what you mean by that but that sounds really weird


	20. rue crams all their sketchy knowledge into cat's head for about 20 minutes

RUE: do you want to become a spy

CAT: not particularly no

RUE: too bad we're becoming spies

CAT: for what

RUE: it's a secret

CAT: oh

CAT: espionage makes me feel fancy

RUE: you'll get to wear a fancy spy outfit

CAT: hell yeah

_cut to cat and rue in pajamas_

RUE: this isn't exactly what i had in mind

CAT: what it's comfy

RUE: i guess so but this onesie does not have room for my tiddies

CAT: get a different one then

RUE: no cat these aren't spy clothes we need to wear like

RUE: black clothes

CAT: black onesie

RUE: no

RUE: think black widow

CAT: i got it

_they dress up as a spider_

RUE: no i meant the character you fucking idiot

CAT: sorry

_they put on a red wig_

CAT: hows this

RUE: _no_ cat i said _no_

RUE: i think this is the beginning of a nightmare i had once

CAT: im charlotte the spider

RUE: ive never met anyone who is actually named charlotte

CAT: how what

RUE: idk you've never met a british person

CAT: im not sure if thats true

RUE: okay well youve never seen the neverending story

CAT: what does that have to do with anything

RUE: it doesnt im just mad that you've never seen it

CAT: i'm not one for movies

CAT: but i've seen coraline

CAT: god that movie was so good

CAT: and when i saw it, that's when i knew i was into creepy shit

CAT: my brother hated it so i'm not allowed to watch it though

RUE: hm

RUE: still mad that you haven't seen the neverending story

CAT: shouldn't the movie be neverending and just go on forever if it's neverending

CAT: these marketing tactics are lies

RUE: it actually didn't have an end i dont think

RUE: the movie just had an ending

CAT: oh

CAT: ive never seen the movie

RUE: i know youve said

CAT: hahaha

CAT: you have bad memory

RUE: yeah no shit cat

CAT: who is no shit cat

RUE: no, i--

CAT: do you have a new best friend replacing ME

_they run off crying_

RUE: cat what

RUE: are they okay

RUE: literally how many breakdowns did they have while i was dead

_flashback begins_

_we see cat crying with their eggs on the floor_

_we see cat tearing up over being called a cishettie_

_we see cat sobbing with rulf_

_we see cat sobbing with rulf some more_

_we see cat talking to camel cat and sighing a lot_

_we see cat burning their house down_

_flashback ends_

RUE: wowww they are not okay

RUE: i didn't know my death emotionally wrecked them that much

RUE: who was that peasant looking man

_a disembodied voice speaks from the sky_

DISEMBODIED VOICE: _**they rented a friend to try and replace you but ended up crying all over him and offended the peasant**_

RUE: ah i see

RUE: thank you disembodied voice

DISEMBODIED VOICE: _**no problem homie**_

RUE: don't call me that

RUE: now where is cat

RUE: cAAAAAT

RUE: cAAAAAAAAAAAAT

RUE: cccccccccccccccAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?

CAT: what what what i was sleeping

RUE: how did you fall asleep so quickly 

CAT: i don't think ive slept since you died

RUE: jesus christ

RUE: it's been nearly a year cat how are you not dead

CAT: i've been living off caffeine gummies and energy drinks

CAT: that's why my eyes are so red

RUE: i thought that was from you crying

CAT: oh i've been doing that too

CAT: but now i'm gonna sleep because my eyes have been hurting for a year

CAT: see you in the morning

RUE: it's 3 in the afternoon

CAT: exactly

_cat conks out right on the floor, snoring like a bicycle_

RUE: what the hell is that simile

NARRATOR: the freight train simile is overused

RUE: at least it makes sense though

RUE: bicycles make the whee noise

RUE: wait narrator i thought you were dead

NARRATOR: so did i but you assholes put me back into this godawful show

_rue sniffles_

RUE: is it that bad

NARRATOR: oh shit did i make you cry

RUE: no something just smells really bad

_they sniffle again_

RUE: is that

RUE: meat???

NARRATOR: i was eating a meatball sandwich earlier so maybe

RUE: no it smells kinda rotten

NARRATOR: well that could also be me you guys did kill me after the show ended

RUE: yeah 

RUE: no hard feelings?

NARRATOR: i have many hard feelings

RUE: oh

RUE: sorry

NARRATOR: it's not okay

NARRATOR: but anyways onward with the show

_there is a long pause_

RUE: so

RUE: cat's asleep

RUE: how much do you bet they'll die in this episode

NARRATOR: i'm betting none of my money

RUE: well i'm betting all of mine even though im very poor

NARRATOR: then i'm going to all the power i can to make sure they don't die so i can win the bet

RUE: then i'll use all the power i can to make sure they DO die so i can win the bet

NARRATOR: morbid but ok

* * *

_and so the mini-war ensues_

_cat wakes up. everyone is gone_

_they go to the kitchen to make breakfast_

_rue creeps up behind them with a knife_

_the knife flies backwards out of rue's hands and into a cabinet_

_cat turns around_

CAT: rue?

CAT: why is there a knife in the cabinet

RUE: uh

RUE: no reason

_rue smiles_

_cat smiles back_

CAT: ok!

_they turn around and start making eggs_

RUE: did they just smile at me

RUE: that is rare

RUE: but also i did it that's rare too

* * *

_the narrator prepares to make a spike come from the ground and stab cat_

_cat is walking_

_the narrator makes the spike pop out of the ground, but miscalculates the direction and accidentally stabs into thin air_

NARRATOR: dammit that was the only spike i have

NARRATOR: how do i win this bet

_the narrator thinks long and hard_

NARRATOR: i got it, i--

_cat has walked away_

NARRATOR: shit

NARRATOR: now i can't kill them

_rue walks by_

NARRATOR: maybe i can kill the competition

RUE: oh fuck no i went through hell and back to get to the land of the living

RUE: wait why are you trying to kill cat you said you didnt want them to die

NARRATOR: 

NARRATOR: oh my god im an idiot

RUE: haha curses go brrr

_they wiggles their fingers at the narrator_

NARRATOR: right i forgot i was betting against a literal witch

NARRATOR: i need to somehow fix the odds so it's fair

NARRATOR: perhaps i will ask the writers

NARRATOR: hey writers

_the writer rue appears_

NARRATOR: wait where's the other one

WRITER RUE: in the bathroom

WRITER RUE: what do you want

NARRATOR: can you make the odds fairer

NARRATOR: i'm betting against a literal witch here

WRITER RUE: sorry no

WRITER RUE: you can ask writer cat

WRITER RUE: unfortunately, i am biased for rue because they are me

NARRATOR: well how do i talk to them

WRITER RUE: hold on

_they disappear_

WRITER CAT: hi there homies

NARRATOR: ugh god

NARRATOR: anyways can you make the odds fairer

WRITER CAT: what odds

NARRATOR: i bet against rue but i forgot that i was betting against a legit witch and that's not fair

WRITER CAT: of course it is you're the narrator you have the power to change the course of the story

NARRATOR: but i don't i'm literally saying what you're telling me to say

_the camera pans to look at writer cat's computer, which currently says "_ _NARRATOR: but i don't i'm literally saying what you're telling me to say" on it_

WRITER CAT: um

WRITER CAT: BYE

_they leave_

NARRATOR: well that wasnt helpful at all

RUE: face it i am supreme pizza material

NARRATOR: what does that mean

RUE: honestly i would love to know

NARRATOR: i have so many questions and none of them are being answered

NARRATOR: i think that's why a lot of people don't want to be on this show

RUE: they're all wimps it's just too mysterious for them

NARRATOR: i thought you said because theyre all simps and i was confused

RUE: im often confused by things i say

RUE: how do you know i didnt say simps

NARRATOR: because i'm reading the script in front of me to get my narration and you say "wimps" in it

RUE: i could have changed the script

RUE: i'm spontaneous like that

_cat appears_

CAT: hi narrator

CAT: hi rue

RUE: oh yeah now its a party

_rue suddenly pulls out an axe and throws it at cat_

_cat, with the speed of a llama, catches the axe_

RUE: you are ready my child

CAT: im literally a year younger than you

CAT: and "speed of a llama???"

NARRATOR: i agree what does that mean

NARRATOR: how fast do llamas go

NARRATOR: writers?

_a writer leans down_

WRITERS: llamas can run 35 miles per hour, or 56 kilometers per hour

CAT: how fast is the fastest human

WRITER: usain bolt can run 28 miles per hour, or 45 kilometers per hour

CAT: holy shit i should go for the world record

RUE: thats why i said you are ready my child

RUE: which kind of sounds like im your mother or im yoda but thats beside the point

CAT: yoda speaks backwards not like a basic mom 

_yoda appears dressed in an apron that says "kiss the cook"_

YODA: the cook you must kiss

RUE: im sorry are we gonna get copyrighted

CAT: uh maybe

YODA: belong to you i do not, george lucas i am created by

RUE: well fuck is he dead so its fair use

YODA: belong to disney, actually i do

RUE: sorry could you speak normally youre gonna give me a stroke

YODA: strokes i give, master of death i am

RUE: oh my god

CAT: is george lucas actually did or did you make that up

_they google it_

CAT: no he's alive he's 76

YODA: alive my creator is

RUE: STOP

RUE: IM GONNA ACTUALLY KEEL OVER RIGHT NOW IF YOU KEEP TALKING LIKE THAT

YODA: only way, talk i can

RUE:

RUE:

RUE:

RUE: hold on let me keel over

_rue keels over and barfs_

RUE: i barfed out only words

YODA: napkin would you like

RUE: no stop

YODA: sorry i am

RUE: aAAAgh

RUE: i swear i am going to strangle you

YODA: strangle me, you are

RUE: yeah thats for sure

_rue wraps her hands around yoda's neck and strangles him. when he is dead he turns into cat_

RUE: wait

_rue turns around, where cat is also standing_

RUE: wait

_they look at yoda-cat_

RUE: WHAT THE FUCK

CAT: hi there

RUE: whats happening am i high

CAT: probably to be honest

_rue faints and falls to the ground next to yoda-cat_

_credits roll_

CAT: aw i ship it

RUE: why


	21. the waterless vodka and the vodkaless water

CAT: do you ever wonder

RUE: is there more to that sentence or are you asking me if i ever wonder in general

CAT: i'm asking you if you wonder in general

RUE: well not really no

RUE: i wonder about my next meal and what it will be

CAT: what will it be

RUE: that's the thing i don't know

RUE: it could be a gourmet soup or it could be ass, grass, and sledding fast

CAT: okay gallon

RUE: well you know i created gallon therefore he is kind of me in a way

CAT: do you eat laxatives

RUE: i used to

CAT: oh god what

RUE: yeah

RUE: don't ask

CAT: i'm not going to

CAT: ever

_beat_

CAT: but

RUE: i said not to ask

CAT: okay

CAT: but

RUE: jesus catrine

CAT: thats not my name

RUE: i know

CAT: call me latrine instead

CAT: like the shit i am

RUE: latrine doesnt mean shit it means toilet

CAT: people shit in me 

CAT: by which i mean i have to listen to bullshit daily

RUE: sad

CAT: i know

RUE: anyways

CAT: yes

RUE: did you know im gay

CAT: well yes youve told me many things

CAT: including that you are gay

RUE: i'm so glad you know

RUE: it is a relief

CAT: yes it is

RUE: what are we talking about again

CAT: i dont remember

RUE: what is this episode even about

CAT: i have no clue

_fae looks at the title_

CAT: "the waterless vodka and the vodkaless water"

RUE: what the fuck there's no vodka or water here

_vodka and water appear_

RUE: what the fuck

CAT: now there's vodka and water here

RUE: which one is which

RUE: i will never drink alcohol so i cant tell the difference

CAT: and i am a child so i cant taste it to find out

RUE: yes we dont stan drunk children

CAT: what would drunk cat even be like

RUE: i dont know but why are you referring to yourself in the third person

CAT: i dont know i dont think ive slept in a while

RUE: you got so much sleep last episode are you kidding

RUE: you slept for like three weeks

CAT: wait what

CAT: did you not tell me

RUE: no i did

RUE: several times

RUE: you might have been asleep but

CAT: oh that explains a lot 

RUE: does it

_rue takes a sip of the vodkaless water_

RUE: tastes like water

_cat takes a sip of the waterless vodka. they makes a disgusted face_

CAT: ew

CAT: tastes like vodka

CAT: disgusted face noises

RUE: oh god not the face noises again

RUE: they are truly disturbing

CAT: well

CAT: im sorry they are just natural

RUE: stop making them natural

CAT: how can i stop something natural

_rue shrugs_

CAT: you do a lot of shrugging

CAT: you must have many questions

RUE: i mean

RUE: kind of

RUE: i have eternal questions inside my head

_rue tugs on their ear. a stream of word spills out_

RUE: those are just some of my questions

_they let go of their ear_

RUE: my head feels a little less questioning now

CAT: that's

CAT: good?

RUE: yes it is good

RUE: now i feel less questioning

CAT: that was barely an explanation but okay

RUE: im not entirely sure what im saying anymore

CAT: here maybe you need some earl grey tea

_they unhinge their jaw and pulls a tea bag out of their mouth_

RUE: oh god how long has that been in there

CAT: doesnt matter

RUE: it kinda does to me

RUE: did you have to unhinge your jaw how big was that tea bag

CAT: i just did it to be dramatic

CAT: the teabag is tiny

_cat eats the teabag again_

RUE: i thought you were offering that to me

CAT: haha bitch it's mine

_cat smiles_

RUE: ugh god

RUE: im kind of afraid of you though how did you unhinge your jaw are you a snake

CAT: no im a cat cant you tell from my name

RUE: cats can not unhinge their jaws

CAT: this one can heee hee

_cat unhinges their limbs_

RUE: please don't do that

CAT: cats can unhinge themselves

RUE: no they can't

CAT: this one can bitch

_they eat an apple slowly and uncomfortably. not that it's sexual it's just uncomfortable to watch someone slowly eat an apple_

RUE: that was not a pleasant experience

CAT: i'm sorry were you the apple? no? then shut your ass up

RUE: it is already shut though

CAT: let the door hit you where the good lord split you

RUE: huh

CAT: i dont know i might have drank the waterless vodka instead of the vodkaless water

RUE: oh no

RUE: thats bad

CAT: or maybe this is just how i am who know

RUE: who know

CAT: verbal typo

CAT: or maybe i am drunk

RUE: can you get drunk from vodka

CAT: yes

_cat suddenly shoots into the sky like a rocket ship_

RUE: woah

RUE: there go the stock market prices

* * *

CAT: can you help me im still stuck in the sky

RUE: i gotta wait until youre not high anymore

CAT: i was never high?

RUE: oh

CAT: also it turns out i wasnt drunk i just really needed to pee

RUE: did

RUE: did you piss in the air

CAT: as a matter of face

RUE: face?

CAT: yes

RUE: you pissed on someone's face

RUE: what the actual fuck cat

CAT: what no

CAT: i didn't piss at all

CAT: i needed to pee but i didn't do it

CAT: my bladder _is_ about to explode right now though

CAT: so excuse me

_they hobble out_

RUE: im gonna prank them so hard and trick them

_rue sets up a huge inflatable waterslide_

RUE: the prank is that at the end cat will fall into an inflatable pool full of water

WRITER: isn't that just a waterslide though

RUE: oh

RUE: well

RUE: hee hee im so good a pranks

RUE: even though the word prank kind of makes me want to jump off the eiffel tower

WRITER: we're not building an eiffel tower

RUE: i didn't ask for that dumbass

_cat walks back in_

CAT: wow a waterslide and a pool of inflatable water

RUE: a pool of what

_cat runs over to the inflation pump and jumps on it. the water in the pool starts swelling_

RUE: what the

CAT: see

RUE: sort of

RUE: in this case seeing is not believing

CAT: you're seeing it though this is real

CAT: this is not a simulation

_cat glitches_

RUE: not a simulation you say

_cat glitches_

C̷͉͍͇̗̊͆̃̏͆͑AT: ṇ̴̳͙͊̅ö̷̱͖ṗ̶̮̼̺̲͚̃e̸̗͐̉̑͠ ̷̡̆̊ė̵͖̜͝v̵̼̖̥̟̉͠͝ȩ̷̯̜̍̇͑̂͘r̴̢̛͖͇͍͑̽ŷ̶̖̋͠t̶̨̧̫̤̞͂̈h̸̛̰͑ȉ̵̥͙͋͝͠n̵͖̽̍͗ģ̶̘̰̲̔́͘ ̴̣̳͛̽͜ì̷̢̲͍̖̖̆́͝s̴̞͑́ ̷̧̤̘̉͗f̵̛͖̭͍͎̊͐̀̕ͅi̵͙̮̐̓̊̈́͗ͅn̴͈͛͋͆͋ẻ̷̺̟͇̣̳̏

RUE: i cant understand you

_c̴̩͐ä̸͈t̵͙̄ ̸̡̍g̴͠ͅl̵̦̈́i̷̪͗t̶̨̓c̵̲̑h̶̠̓ẽ̷̬s̶̭̊ ̷͜m̶̧̓o̴̳r̷͈̄ê̶͚ ̶̹̔ḭ̶͛ń̵̠ẗ̵̞́ḛ̴͊n̷̙͗s̵̹͝ė̷̺l̸̹͝ȳ̵͚_

RUE: what is happening

_cat pixelates and explodes_

RUE: fuck not again

RUE: this always happens

NARRATOR: no it doesnt

RUE: well cat dying does

CAT: im not actually dead

RUE: what the fuck how

CAT: well im just a bunch of pixels now but when was i not

RUE: arent

RUE: arent you a real life human

CAT: no

_the pixels of cat's body winks_

RUE: what the fuck

CAT: i̴͖̟͖͝'̴̻͉͎͎̙̰̘̍͐͌̆m̵͖̘̺̆͗̆͠͝͝ ̷̢̗̺̮̯̫̞̽̐̂͝d̷̹͎͎̬̖̫̎̄͂̓̚͝ḙ̶̤̲̍̑a̸̲̟͋̄̓̚d̴͙͒̔̽͌̌̕̕ ̷̡̫̫̫̩̜̭̀̿ị̶̧͍̈́̕͝n̷̗̣̰͈̻̆̅͠s̵̡̧̢̤̖͎̳̎̓͆͘ï̴̺̦͎̱͈͛̐d̶̖̜̘͖̂̏̾e̴̹͉̾͠

RUE: i still cant understand you

CAT: oh sorry it's just my weird glitching hee hee

_rue gasps_

RUE: bat michael jackson?

RUE: i thought i killed you

CAT: you killed bmj

RUE: uh

CAT: rue

CAT: did you

CAT: kill

CAT: b

CAT: m

CAT: j

_rue sweats_

_cat narrows their eyes_

RUE: no

CAT: 

CAT:

CAT:

CAT: okay

CAT: well what now

RUE: we can hang out with the not dead bmj that i did not kill

_cat narrows their eyes_

RUE: dont narrow my eyes 

CAT: the "their" in that sentence was meant for me not you

RUE: im aware

CAT: what

RUE: dont narrow my eyes

RUE: if you were thinking of doing that

CAT: i wasnt

CAT: covid is happening which means i cannot touch ur eyes

RUE: dont touch my eyes anyway you fucking creep

CAT: im not a creep you're just mean

_cat throws their shoe into the sky. it clonks them on the head and they die_

RUE: not surprised

RUE: by the way how come when i died like one time in the show i had to do a whole journey through the underworld and afterlife and i had to defeat my anxiety and punch bmj in the tiddy but cat just has to disappear for like five minutes and then come back in some weird way

RUE: this is homophobia

_cat worms their way out of the ground_

CAT: but im not straight

RUE: its ruephobia

CAT: im just a chaotic enby

_they soar into the sky and the words chaotic enby appear on the sun_

RUE: what the fuck

CAT: you see the universe would fall out of balance if i disappeared for as long as you did

RUE: it was about a year?

CAT: exactly

CAT: if i tried to journey through the underworld then i would be gone for too long and the universe would fall out of balance

RUE: are you really that influential

CAT: yes

_there is no further explanation given_

RUE: this episode was about vodka and water by the way

CAT: how did we stumble so far off track i wonder

RUE: can children get drunk

CAT:

CAT: do you really not know the answer to that

RUE: information is not sticking in my brainy brain 

RUE: i ran out of melatonin eight months ago so i havent slept

CAT: dear god what

CAT: anyways if i drank i would get the asian flush probably which is where you turn super red and your head hurts

RUE: how do you know this

CAT: it happened to my dad he's the asian one in the family

RUE: you're asian too though

RUE: so is your brother

CAT: we're half white you idiot 

RUE: oh yeah

_the two of them do a funny dance for no reason_

CAT: lets play genshin impact

RUE: fuck no last time we played a video game together we got sucked in and i died im not doing that again

CAT: but you play genshin all the time

RUE: yeah alone

RUE: if we do it together we're gonna get sucked in meet the characters which inevitably die then i get vibe checked in the game and then wake up in the real world after eight days of sleeping and then an axe will fall from the ceiling and kill me and you'll be screaming and i'll have to go through the underworld and afterlife again and then this whole season will happen again

CAT:

CAT: fair point but i wanna be sucked into the game 

CAT: also if you got sucked in you could marry lisa

RUE:

RUE:

RUE:

RUE: alright lets do it

CAT: yayyyyy

_they play genshin impact for five hours but don't get sucked in_

_credits roll_

RUE: why didn't it work


	22. rue and cat become cottagecore lesbians

RUE: cat cat cat cat we should go to a flea market

CAT: what why

RUE: it makes us cottagecore

CAT: you do realize that to be cottagecore we can't have wifi

RUE: yeah i know

CAT: you willingly give up that life

RUE: yes

CAT: for being a cottagecore lesbian

RUE: yes

_beat_

CAT: kay

RUE: what really

CAT: yeah let's go

RUE: oh i thought you were addicted to the internet i didn't think you'd wanna come

CAT: well wherever you go i end up going except for the time when you died and went to the after life

RUE: god that was like the worst eight hours of my life

CAT: you were gone for six months

RUE: wait really

CAT: yeah

RUE: damn

RUE: it felt a lot shorter and yet a lot longer at the same time if that makes sense

CAT: it doesn't but sure

CAT: can we go before i change my mind i do love my internets

RUE: let's go

* * *

_fast forward to[cat](https://imgix.bustle.com/uploads/image/2020/7/31/473534ba-3112-4377-98cd-87e68f082f8d-17_c1771586-f4b6-4382-8020-4f5894d66b05_1800x1800.jpg?w=414&fit=crop&crop=faces&auto=format%2Ccompress&cs=srgb&q=70) and [rue](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/11/f7/3f11f7d45f1cec1e0f9cc6f120f1351d.jpg) in cottagecore dresses_

CAT: i feel like a woman from colonial america

CAT: how come you got the cute outfit

RUE: because this was my idea

RUE: also that dress suits your eyes better

CAT: really i dont look at my eyes a whole lot

RUE: i think that sentence fucked me up inside

CAT: i'm speaking the truth

CAT: personally i don't like me eyeballs

CAT: i want them to be perfect but one of them is 20/50 so i see blurry shit

RUE: mood

CAT: what

RUE: i see blurry shit when it's censored on tv

CAT: we shouldn't even be talking about tv we're cottagecore lesbians now

RUE: that makes it sound like we are lesbian for each other but okay

RUE: i purchased this cottage in the forest for us to live in

_they go to a small house that is literally just two sticks holding up a blanket_

CAT: what is this

RUE: i dont have money okay

CAT: you didn't have to buy this

RUE: i know i think i got scammed

CAT: you most definitely got scammed

RUE: well fuck i paid all my money for this and now we have no money to hire a taxi to get us out of here

CAT: we could just

CAT: walk out

RUE: we've been walking for miles to get here cat i didn't have enough money to get a taxi to drive us into the forest

RUE: my legs hurt

CAT: we can go tomorrow

RUE: i think my legs will fall off tomorrow

_they fall off_

RUE: or today

CAT: jesus are you okay

RUE: what the fuck do you think catherine

CAT: that's fair it was a dumb question

RUE: damn i just wanted to be a cottegecore lesbian and now i have no legs

CAT: i dont think you ever could be a cottagecore lesbian 

CAT: you're not a lesbian

RUE: youre right but sTIll

RUE: the aEStHETiC

CAT: the aesthetic is dead when you are sitting under a tent of cloth and sticks

CAT: that's "i might get eaten alive by a bear" core

RUE: still an aesthetic

RUE: just not a great one

RUE: by the way i was on pinstrest the other day and i saw something called "grandma core" and thats been on my mind for a while

CAT: grandma core

RUE: yes

CAT: did you mean boomer core

RUE: no i was looking at cottagecore stuff and it just came up

CAT: what even is pintrest 

RUE: i will never know my parents used to ban me from pintrest because they thought they could hide me from the internet

CAT: little did they know

RUE: exactly

_they fist bump_

CAT: my parents always said not to talk to strangers on the internet because they could be creeps 

RUE: little did they know

CAT: exactly

_they foot bump_

CAT: anyway will we go and become cottagecore in a different place now

RUE: sure

* * *

_they are in a different place, still trying to be cottagecore lesbians_

RUE: what the fuck do cottagecore lesbians even do

RUE: i feel like i should have planned this out a little bit more

CAT: yeah no shit

CAT: this is horrible

CAT: i'm hungry

CAT: i'm tired

CAT: i'm thirsty

CAT: not in that kind of way. i want water

CAT: and i'm cranky

RUE: i can see that

CAT: i'm water hungry

CAT: and i want my internet

CAT: we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere in these dresses and we have no food or shelter or water or internet or anything

RUE: drink your spit you whiny little bitch candle

CAT: what does that even mean

RUE: you fucking heard me

CAT: why are you being so mean

RUE: because i need to piss and also sometimes i like to come up with creative insults

CAT: ok well why are you using them on me

RUE: because you are literally the only person here

RUE: anyways where are we

CAT: i dunno i think it's the desert

_the desert appears in front of them_

RUE: woah thats spooky

CAT: i don't fucking care

RUE: let me have this moment

CAT: go piss behind a cactus or something

RUE: no

RUE: i'm not doing that

_the two of them stand there glaring at each other_

CAT: should we scream like feral cats like we did in the first episode

RUE: was that the first episode?

CAT: wait hold on

_they flip through the script_

CAT: yes it was

RUE: jesus were we good

CAT: no

RUE: wow

CAT: you know what would make us real lesbians

RUE: what

CAT: we should get a haircut

RUE: im not sure that would make us lesbians necessarily but ok

CAT: cool 

RUE: how short are you gonna go

CAT: im getting one like my brother

RUE: oh

CAT: what about you

RUE: well

RUE: im waiting till im 18 to cut it all off because my face isnt the right shape yet

RUE: so ill just get a trim

CAT: coward

_cat stares at rue for a good ten minutes_

RUE: yeah

CAT: oh

CAT: anyway i don't know what the haircut is called but it is very good so i'm getting it

_cat spins around and suddenly their hair is short_

RUE: wow how did you do that

RUE: such cool

CAT: magic

RUE: well if there's magic here then where is the water and food and the not desert places

_cat shrugs_

CAT: i think it only works if it doesnt go against the plot

RUE: wHAT PLOT 

RUE: this is literally about us being lesbians

CAT: i dunno

RUE: dont most shows have characters develop do we need to do that

CAT: how im pretty sure that doesnt happen all at once

RUE: it does now

_they spin around and suddenly their clothes turn into leaves_

CAT: what the fuck

RUE: im not sure what i was going for here but it certainly wasnt this

CAT: are we adam and eve??? what is this

CAT: i want character development not almost nudity

RUE: do you think i wanted this

CAT: maybe you did

CAT: subconsciously

CAT: i hate this terrible life

RUE: i mean

RUE: i always said i wanted to try pole dancing but i didnt want it to be sexualized

RUE: i definitely didnt want to be almost entirely naked

CAT: oh dear god i think theres a snake in here

_the snake jumps out and starts jiggling_

CAT: what the fuck is happening to me

SNAKE: i am snake

RUE: yeah no kidding

RUE: but why are you jiggling like jello

SNAKE: because i am

RUE: is jello like your name or are you actually made of jello because we've run into this exact same scenario so many times

SNAKE: wh

SNAKE: what do you mean

_rue flashes back to when cat was a ninja named ninja. cat flashes back to when koraki was a bird named bird but in greek_

SNAKE: why did you guys just stare into space for ten seconds

CAT: you didn't see our flashbacks?

SNAKE: no

SNAKE: you need to understand that i can't see what's inside your heads

SNAKE: i may wiggle but i cant do LSD

RUE: you mean ESP?

SNAKE: whatever

SNAKE: whats LSD then

RUE: its a drug

SNAKE: then i can do that

CAT: lmao snakes on drugs

RUE: did you just say lmao out loud

CAT: you do it all the time

RUE: thats because i am still suffering from the cringe disease that i was never properly treated for

_they stare at them_

CAT: i knew we should have gotten you treated on halloween

RUE: the doctors were all closed on halloween lol lol XD XD XD XD XD XD 

_rue vibrates rapidly_

RUE: _**XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD UWU UWU UWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWU**_

SNAKE: can i leave

CAT: im gonna leave too

SNAKE: you can come into my home

CAT: thanks

_the snake goes into a small hole in a rock_

CAT: well how the fuck do we get in there

SNAKE: is that a me problem or a you problem

CAT: its a both problem

SNAKE: but i'm already in here

CAT: no it's both of our problem now sorry

_cat grabs the snake and rips it out of the rock hole but instead rips the snake in half_

CAT: oops

_the snake is dead_

CAT: well shit now this is a me problem

RUE: that was one fragile ass snake

CAT: that is true

RUE: UWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWU

CAT: you need to be treated i think the desert is making it worse

CAT: drink some water

_rue drinks water_

RUE, GARGLING: XDXDXDXDXDXDDXXDDXDXD

CAT: fucking christ

CAT: are you ok

RUE: obviously not bitch

RUE: help me

CAT: nah

_cat walks away. rue is writhing on the ground in pain_

RUE: i hate it here im burning up and im sad

* * *

_cat is enjoying an airconditioned not cottagecore life_

CAT: boy i love internet

CAT: and rue

_beat_

CAT: OH SHIT

CAT: I FORGOT RUE

_cat runs out of the room wearing cucumbers on their eyes and a fluffy bathrobe_

* * *

_meanwhile in the desert_

RUE: it sure is boring here

_cat bursts in from inside a cactus_

CAT: BITCH IM HERE TO SAVE YOUR ASSSSSSSSS

_they stomp on a random snake and kills it, then holds it up to the sun like simba in the lion king_

RUE: what are you doing

CAT: SAVING YOUR ASS

RUE: what does this do

CAT: SHHHHHHHHHH

RUE: that snake wasnt doing any-

_cat swallows the snake whole_

RUE: what the fuckkkkkk

CAT: I AM THE SUPERIOR SNAKE

_cat unhinges their jaw and swallows a giant rock whole_

RUE: what is happeninggggggg

_cat turns into a snake but it still has cat's head_

CAT: sssssssssss

RUE: i hate it here what the fuck is going on

CAT: im like the goddess nüwa

CAT: and her brother fuxi

RUE: except you are not holy

CAT: true

RUE: and also you are a human

CAT: also true

RUE: and hopefully you are not married to your brother

CAT: i am not 

RUE: thank god

RUE: no one wants you becoming like jessica

CAT: do you ever not break the fourth wall

RUE: thats literally the entire point of this show

RUE: i'm doing it right now 

RUE: hi writers

_the writer writing this leans in to say hi_

WRITER: hi

CAT: ew it's me but worse

WRITER: that's rude

RUE: rued

WRITER: eyyyyyy

RUE: eyyyyyy

_they do finger guns at each other_

_credits roll_

CAT: why are you reciting the first letter of the alphabet

WRITER: shut the fuck up cat no one likes you

RUE: i like them

WRITER: but you have to

RUE: i dont think thats true

RUE: is this just a way to project your self hated and anxiety

WRITER:

WRITER: dont fucking analyze me bye im leaving


	23. memories of the past (season finale)

RUE: wouldn't it be weird if we just

RUE: traded brains and looked through each others memories

CAT: why on earth would that be a good idea

RUE: i don't know 

RUE: i haven't slept in like three weeks so im kind of out of it

CAT: rue how

RUE: well i sleep for like fifteen minutes and then up i am again

CAT: how are you alive

RUE: i would also love to know the answer to that

RUE: anyways can we do it please

CAT: yeah whatever

_they reach over and swap brains with each other_

RUE: woah your memories are trippy

RUE: is this

RUE: is this you going to school with your pants backwards aND NOT CHANGING THEM AT ALL

RUE: i feel too much second hand embarrassment

CAT: listen i never went to the bathroom during class and i didn't wanna break my streak of being the perfect student just cause i had to reverse my pants

CAT: and also your brain is fucked up too

_cat watches as rue swims in a pool and their bathing suit top starts to fall off_

CAT: now i realize why you only wear one pieces

RUE: because i have no self confidence? i could have told you that a while ago

CAT: yeah but do you think i'd ask that

RUE: no

CAT: see

CAT: i know things

RUE: no you don't 

CAT: i pretend to know things

RUE: that's more like it

CAT: sad face noises

RUE: have you downgraded to just saying sad face noises instead of making them

CAT: you told me they sounded disgusting

RUE: well they are

CAT: then don't bitch about it when i change my lifestyle for you

RUE: making sad face noises isn't a lifestyle

CAT: well the cishetties say that being gay is a lifestyle so i think making sad face noises is a lifestyle

RUE: well the cishetties might be right i mean look at my earrings

_they point to their head and suddenly two pairs of rainbow earrings appear in their ear holes_

CAT: why two pairs

RUE: i dunno bc i wanted to

CAT: cute though

RUE: thank you

CAT: people give me weird looks like that one time some old person saw me and my mom and said "ugh lesbians"

RUE: that might of been because of your hair but also because you and your mom are close in height

CAT: yeah but i clearly look like a kid

RUE: people say i look like my mom but yet i do not

CAT: well i dont know i dont think ive ever met your mom

RUE: she doesnt look like me in any way

CAT: i think i've seen her in pictures but i can't be sure

RUE: how would you have pictures

CAT: when we rat on our younger selves you send me pictures

RUE: oh

RUE: what

CAT: i dont know that sentence didnt make a whole lot of sense

RUE: i know are you okay

CAT: you ask me that so many times and the answer will always be "was i ever"

RUE: and the answer to that will always be "no"

CAT: well 

RUE: we need to be ghosts

CAT: where the fuck did that idea come from

RUE: idk but i want to be a ghost

RUE: wouldn't that be cool

CAT: no because you'd be dead again

CAT: i can't handle that emotional pain

RUE: i said _we_ you idiot

RUE: we're doing it together

CAT: oh

_beat_

CAT: great?

* * *

_rue is looking on wikihow for "wikihow to become a ghost"_

RUE: first step: die

_rue looks up_

RUE: could a giant axe impale me again

CAT: i am not letting that happen again that was traumatizing 

CAT: especially because i recognized the axe that killed you

RUE: which axe was it

_cat points at the[axe](https://i.postimg.cc/76FWNS1F/Default-Weapon-Toyohisa-Shimazu-SW4.png), which has been stuck on the floor ever since the season finale of season one_

RUE: ok but what is it

CAT: well it's an axe

RUE: yes i see that but why did you recognize it

CAT: because it's the axe of one of the most adorable puppy boys known to video game man

RUE: huh

RUE: video game man?

CAT: yknow, like

CAT: something is known to man

CAT: in this case it's in a game

_cat shrugs_

RUE: well okay

RUE: so this boy's axe fucking murdered me of its own accord

RUE: is this axe possessed

_the two of them look at the axe apprehensively. cat backs away_

CAT: hopefully not

_rue edges closer_

CAT: what are you doin _g_

_rue edges closer_

CAT: fucking stop 

RUE: no

_rue edges closer until their foot is touching the axe_

CAT: back away from the axe

RUE: i refuse

CAT: you dumbass if you die again i swear to the god i don't believe in-

_rue falls on the axe_

CAT: i literally hate you

RUE: wait im not dead

RUE: is this all a dream again?

RUE: pinch me

_cat bites her on the arm_

RUE: thats not pinching but ok

RUE: that hurt i guess im awake

RUE: so why am i not dying

CAT: is there something youre not telling me

RUE: oh yeah i guess im still technically the gender-neutral term here ruler person of hellunderworldafterlife

CAT: what kind of name is that

RUE: im not sure

RUE: i did name it but i couldn't think of anything

CAT: you suck at naming things

RUE: not true our shows have great names

CAT: our shows are literally inside jokes you idiot you didn't name them

CAT: it was a collaborative effort

RUE: fuck off let me have this moment

RUE: and technically this one isnt an inside joke and some of them are based off of world building and characters

CAT: true

CAT: but barbecue happened because your thumbs are massive and you cant type

RUE: i know

RUE: sad face noises

CAT: no youre doing it wrong

CAT: you need to do it like this

CAT: sad face noises

RUE: i did literally that though

CAT: no you didn't

CAT: you need the authenticity of a chef who just french kissed their most special dish of totino pizza rolls 

RUE: french kissed???????

CAT: I MEANT CHEF KISSED

CAT: CHEF KISSED

RUE: WHO THE FUCK

CAT: I DONT KNOW

RUE: WHO IS THE PSYCHO GOING AROUND TONGUING PIZZA ROLLS

RUE: also how is that a dish

CAT: it just is don't question me

CAT: asshole

_cat winks at the camera_

RUE: why did you do that

CAT: um

_they wiggle_

CAT: no reason 

RUE: no there is a reason please tell me so i dont think about that all day

CAT: no reason

_they wiggle away_

RUE: why am i friends with you

_no answer_

RUE: i sAID

RUE: WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOU

CAT: I CANT HEAR YOUUUUUUUUU

RUE: spongebob?

CAT: what

CAT: no

CAT: it's cat

RUE: well yes im aware of that

CAT: did you know i was born in an eggshell

RUE: well that explains a lot and also nothing at all

CAT: im secretly a bird

RUE: i thought you were a cat

_beat_

CAT: you are not funny

RUE: i am too

RUE: i am hilarious

RUE: so hilarious i created all of our shows

CAT: your dumb thumbs made typos that created the shows you idiot dont take the credit

RUE: my thumbs are part of me

RUE: at least i think

RUE: im not really sure anymore

_rue lifts their hands up. their thumbs jump up into the air and begin to dance_

CAT: what the fuck 

RUE: this may be an acid trip

CAT: and you're coming to that conclusion NOW

RUE: kinda yeah

RUE: woah what if it is

RUE: are you even real

CAT: im fairly sure that i am

_they lay on rues knees_

CAT: see

RUE: why my knees

CAT: they have so many scars

RUE: i get cut a lot

CAT: tat's a bad thing

RUE: yeah i think everyone knows that

CAT: am i real

_rue thinks_

RUE: probably

CAT: or what if

_cat disappears. rue stands up quickly, and there is a sound of something hitting the floor_

CAT: oW

RUE: where are you

CAT: i just turned invisible you idiot now my head hurts 

RUE: well how was i supposed know that you fucker

CAT: i dont know

CAT: arent you telepathic

RUE: no im not actually

CAT: >:(

RUE: how did you do that

CAT: i just did bitch

_cat dances in place_

CAT: anyway do you think about how we used to just be the writers but as they slowly came to understand their identities better we became our own separate entities and we're not just fictionalized versions of the writers but we're a character all by ourselves

RUE:

RUE: i have never thought about that

CAT: oh

_there is an uncomfortable silence_

CAT: but it's true though

RUE: i mean we're still kind of them

RUE: but like the writer im designed after has more depression then i do

CAT: so we're just watered down kind of idealized versions of them

RUE: exactly

CAT: wow

_cat suddenly points at the screen_

CAT: hey writer that is based off of rue

CAT: you're valid and i love you even though we haven't technically met

_a rock falls from the sky and hits on her_

CAT: wait what

ROCK: hey sexy lady

CAT: im not a lady

CAT: i'm nonbiney

ROCK: you're not born nanabanana

CAT: wrong i am actually nickleback

ROCK: you're nickleback?

CAT: well--

ROCK: my favorite song is "we will rock you"

CAT: i didnt even know that was by nickelback

ROCK: it is

RUE: mine is "dont stop believing"

CAT: i wasnt aware that was a nickleback song too

ROCK: that one isn't

RUE: yes it is

CAT: wait is it actually

_they google it_

CAT: they did a cover but its actually by journey

RUE: how would i know that im just a small town girl

CAT: living in a loneleeee worrrrrld

RUE, CAT, AND ROCK: SHE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAAAIN GOING NNNNNN EEEEE WAYRRRRRRRRRRR

ROCK: i was once a city boy

RUE: living in south detroiiiiiit

CAT: ooh like in the karate kid remake

RUE: cat you ruined the lyric chain

CAT: oops sorry

CAT: HE TOOK THE MIDNIGHT TRAAAIN GOING NNNNNN EEEEE WAYRRRRRRRRRRRR

RUE: thats actually all i know

CAT: whos messing it up now huh bitch

RUE; why do you go from like 0 to 100 really quick

CAT: nest qUACK

RUE: excuse-moi

_cat throws the talking rock at rue_

RUE: ow fuck why

CAT: NEST QUACK MOTHERQUACKER

_cat turns into a duck and flies away_

RUE: can ducks fly

ROCK: some of them

RUE: hm

_she looks up at the sky_

RUE: oh shit i think cat is on fire

_the credits roll_


End file.
